Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXXXVII

At 6:37 p.m., a woman called from the 100 block of Grove Street to report her neighbor was painting her yard fluorescent orange so the caller could see the yard from her kitchen window. The woman requested contact from an officer. An officer responded.

[Silly to paint your yard that color, but is there some ordinance against florescent orange? It can get foggy up there.]

At 12:43 p.m., a caller reported a man wearing a turban was panhandling in a drugstore parking lot on the 1000 block of Sutton Way. Police contacted the man and advised him of a city ordinance.

[No turbans allowed.]

At 1:37 p.m., a woman called from the 300 block of Railroad Avenue to report semi-trucks were in her lot and she wanted them removed. Police contacted everyone involved and the vehicles were to be moved. A man called to report a "hostage situation." Police determined his car was blocked in, and he was not a hostage. He was counseled on the proper use of 911.

[The claim of "Stockholm Syndrome" when caught chatting up a female driver was discounted by his wife.]

At 2:55 p.m., a man called from the roundabout on Sierra College drive to report a white minivan stopped in front of him and he fell over on his bike. Police contacted the man, and determined there was no injury. He did not need medical attention.

[Cue Laugh-In clip of that guy falling off of his tricycle.]

At 8:24 p.m., a man called from East Bennett Street to report suspicious circumstances. A dark blue Chevrolet Tahoe showed up in his driveway and dropped off a girl who asked the caller to take her shopping. She said she was from Sacramento. She was with two young men who were quite a bit older than she was. They said they did not know who the girl was. When the caller said he wanted to contact the girl's parents, all three got back into the car and headed toward downtown. Police checked the area extensively and were unable to locate the girl, the men or the vehicle.

[Suspicious... but "take me shopping?" ]

At 8:28 a.m., a man called from a hotel on the 600 block of South Auburn Street to report he was being harassed by police officers. He said officers should not return without a warrant. The man asked to talk to a sergeant, but hung up before he was connected.

[Calling the police to complain about the police?]

At 8:47 a.m., a caller from a hotel on the 600 block of South Auburn Street said he requested officers 20 minutes ago. A dispatcher transferred the call to an officer.

[Clarity is the essence of communication.]

At 7:02 p.m., a caller from the 13000 block of Wood Rose Way reported an unwanted person, then the line was disconnected. Deputies responded and arrested a man on suspicion of damaging a telephone line, assault and violation of a court order.

[Just keeping up on the telephone damage score.]

At 8:40 p.m., a caller from Broad Street reported a tour bus was driving down the street with a sign flashing "emergency call 911" on the side. Police were unable to locate the bus.

[Always good for that "lighter side of the news" segment.]

At 5:03 p.m. a caller from the 200 block of East Main Street reported three men tried to sell her perfume that didn't seem like perfume. She told officers she smelled some and "felt funny." She denied medical attention. Police checked the area but did not locate the alleged suspects.

[Frankly, I feel that way just walking through the cosmetics department at Macy's.]

At 6:14 p.m., a caller from the 23000 block of Wayfarer Court reported that a neighbor had threatened her and her husband while they were outside. At 7:33 p.m., the same caller reported that the neighbor had pulled down some yellow caution tape on her property and threatened to kill her.

[Another one for the annals of neighbor relations.]

At 6:17 p.m., a caller from Bubbling Wells Road reported that the neighbors had been riding dirt bikes in the area all day.

[And?]

A 9:17 a.m. caller from the 12000 block of Gayle Lane reported finding dynamite in her front yard. Responding deputies said it was a road flare.

[That got some adrenalin pumping I bet.]

A 5:46 p.m. caller from the 300 block of Auburn Street reported her husband was drunk and shooting at a bird with a pellet gun. Officers responded and the man left for the evening.

[And went where drunk and armed?]

A 2:55 p.m. caller from the 300 block of School Street wanted to make a citizen's arrest of a school traffic guard who was refusing to let him make a turn. Officers responded and resolved the issue.

[And to think that I saw it on School Street.]

A 6:42 p.m. caller from the 100 block of Mohawk Street said it appeared a female was sleeping in the bushes across the street. Police contacted a 46-year-old man there, who was arrested on an outstanding warrant.

[Excuse me, Miss? What do you mean "Miss?" Sorry, I've got a cold.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXXXVI

At 10:37 p.m., a woman called from the 11000 block of Sierra Circle to report a missing antique Barbie doll. The woman thought her adult son took it from her home. Police took a report for petty theft.

[Barbie is now old enough to be an antique.]

At 4:26 p.m., a caller reported an overweight woman was smoking marijuana in a tan van while she was in the drive-through at a fast food restaurant on the 10000 block of Olympia Park Road. Police contacted the woman, who had a prescription for medical marijuana.

[And we're all okay with her driving and smoking it?]

At 3:49 p.m., a caller from the 10000 block of Combie Road reported a 2-year-old boy was lying in the gravel and crying. A deputy contacted the child's mother, who said the child was throwing a fit because he was not getting a new toy at a nearby store.

[Oh, I've been there. My wife usually waits patiently until I get up and start acting like an adult again.]

At 6:11 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of West Berryhill Drive reported his girlfriend was verbally attacked by her mother. The caller did not give the mother's name and wanted to make a log entry only.

[Big red warning flag there son. Do you want to be part of this family?]

At 10:33 a.m., a caller from the 700 block of Zion Street reported a man was huffing paint in a room at an inn. Other guest could hear the man and they were complaining. The caller said the man took a taxi to the hardware store to huff more paint. Police arrested the 42-year-old man for possession of a toxic substance for intoxication.

[First, I just like the term "huffing." Second, I like that he was huffing so loudly it was disturbing other guests. Third, he went out for more!]

At 12:40 p.m., a caller from Grass Valley reported a man in a vehicle had been following an armored vehicle from stop to stop. The vehicle was a 1986-1989 Ram Charger. The man was parking so the armored truck driver had to walk past him. The man was also seen in Auburn following the armored vehicle yesterday. Officers were advised, and the caller was told to call again whenever he saw the man.

[I'll be watching the headlines to see how this plays out.]

At 2:34 p.m., a caller from a restaurant on Freeman Lane reported three men were asked to pick up garbage they had thrown on the ground, and they became very threatening to the caller. The men were all wearing baggy shorts and one wore a red and white baseball cap worn sideways. The manager of the restaurant came outside and advised the caller to leave, using abusive language. Police met with the caller outside the restaurant.

[It just doesn't pay to get involved some days.]

At 6:40 p.m. a caller reported a verbal argument involving "Cowboy Bill." He was wearing a cowboy hat and walking toward a bar. Police contacted the caller. No arrests were made.

[Cowboy Bill rides again! And of course he was wearing a cowboy hat! And of course he was walking toward a bar!]

At 9:13 p.m. a caller from the 500 block of St. Patrick's Drive said he hit an animal on northbound Highway 49 near McKnight Way. He just found out his bumper fell off at the scene and might be a traffic hazard. The CHP was notified.

[Lesser men might have stopped to see what they hit and assess the damage.]

At 11:10 a.m., a woman called from the 10000 block of Alta Street to report someone dumped some type of chemicals in her car. A soda can and a soda bottle were dumped on the front and back seats of the car. She said the chemicals smelled acidic and they appeared to be eating the seat material.

[I am betting on Mountain Dew or Dr. Pepper.]

At 3:08 p.m. a caller from the 200 block of Commercial Street reported a grizzly man wearing suspenders and no shirt growled at people who passed by. An officer contacted the man and he moved along.

[Of course he was growling at people. He is a grizzly man!]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXXXV

10:18 a.m., a caller from a liquor store reported a skinny man with long hair was sniffing gold paint. Police arrested the man on suspicion of probation violation and possession of a toxic substance with the intent to inhale for intoxication.

[FARK fans only, you know what picture I have in my mind right now, don't you?]

At 1:38 p.m., a caller from the 12000 block of Enterprise Mine Road reported the theft of 500 pounds of petrified wood.

[It is decorative I suppose.]

At 11:26 a.m., a caller from Condon Park reported a person wearing a blue jacket near the 14th hole of a disc-golf course was throwing golf clubs and saying he didn't want to live anymore. Police checked the area and were unable to locate the person.

[Pretty much my feeling after golfing most days. But what was he doing with clubs on a disc-gold course?]

At 2:41 p.m., a caller from Dolores Drive near Alta Street reported people in three or four vehicles parked on the grass were shooting off fireworks. Police checked the area and were unable to locate the vehicles, people or fireworks.

[The grass, however, was right where the caller said it was.]

At 12:44 p.m., a caller from the 11000 block of Newtown Road reported a neighbor was beating up his son, who had been videotaping people setting off fireworks. Deputies responded and discovered no physical violence had taken place. The neighbor stated he and his son were playing with snap caps on their porch and the neighbor came to the fence line with a camera and started yelling obscenities at him.

[More for neighbor relations.]

At 2:08 p.m., a caller from the 10000 block of Combie Road reported the theft of a Nubian goat, valued at $450. There was no evidence of theft or predation.

[How often does a Nubian goat make it into the blotter?]

At 6:24 p.m., a woman in the police lobby reported a pizza was delivered to her apartment on the 100 block of West Berryhill Drive but she did not order it and the delivery person had all of her information.

[And so she called the police because it was, you know, weird.]

At 7:31 p.m., a man called from the 100 block of West Berryhill Drive to report a woman hit and scratched him while he was trying to leave in his vehicle. The man was advised to go to the police station so police could get pictures of the injuries and take a report. The man said he would think about filing a report. By 10:30 p.m., the man still had not arrived at the station.

[Great moments in apathy!]

At 8:39 p.m., a caller from the 700 block of Zion Street reported a person in front of a grocery store was bothering customers about buying spray paint. Police contacted the man and he would be moving on.

[Again, FARK readers....]

At 12:55 a.m., a caller from the 100 block of Mainhart Drive reported children were sledding down the middle of the road.

[When you live some place where it does not snow regularly....]

At 1:39 a.m., a caller from the 300 block of North Church Street reported a person was throwing snowballs. Police contacted five people who were having a snowball fight.

[Scoff laws and ragamuffins!]

At 6:20 p.m., a woman called from the 10000 block of Barde Court to report juveniles were throwing snowballs at her residence and refusing to stop. She was very irate and demanded a deputy respond. The woman was advised that the deputy could not make it for a while due to traffic hazards.

[Did you notice that it was snowing?]

At 11:50 a.m., a caller from the 11000 block of Highway 174 reported children were throwing snowballs at passing cars.

[It is a snow-based crime spree!]

At 9:41 a.m., a woman from the 200 block of Sutton Way reported her son was pelted by snowballs and was verbally assaulted by a teen neighbor.

[Society is coming unglued.]

At 11:57 a.m., a man came into the police station to talk to an officer about abuse in general.

[He then moved on to the state of the novel in 21st century literature.]

At 12:06 p.m., a woman reported two juveniles threw snowballs at her vehicle on Sutton Way.

[It just goes on and on.]

At 12:46 p.m., an officer contacted two juveniles on Sutton Way and counseled them on the dangers of throwing snowballs.

[Ah, the heavy hand of the law comes down on the snow criminals!]

At 3:20 p.m., a caller from the 200 block of Arcadia Drive reported juveniles were shouting obscenities and throwing snowballs from a roof. An officer contacted the juveniles, who would be conducting indoor activities.

[Go back inside and play video games already!]

At 8:54 p.m., a caller from the 300 block of Pleasant Street reported hearing a single gunshot. The caller was unsure of where the sound came from. Police contacted tenants in a nearby apartment who had a very large sound system and were watching a movie that had a loud explosion. Police also contacted juveniles who were throwing snowballs at cars. It was unknown if the juveniles or movie caused the sound.

[Good home theater or snowballs, you make the call!]

At 4:52 p.m., a caller from the 11000 block of Ridge Road requested a deputy respond for three juveniles who set up a ski jump by the wrestling gym at Nevada Union. They left at a high rate of speed in a white vehicle. A deputy located the jump. There was no damage. The deputy was unable to locate the caller.

[No snowballs were found at the scene.]

At 6:55 p.m., a woman called from the 14000 block of Anchor Lane to report a person had a paycheck that belonged to her and the person was refusing to give it her or her mother-in-law unless she returned the person's pajama pants.

[The solution seems clear enough to me.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXXXIV

At 10:29 p.m., a woman report that while she was driving south on Highway 49 she saw a man in an upstairs window in a hotel under construction. The man was facing the freeway. Police contacted the 39-year-old man and determined there was a civil warrant for the man's arrest from Sacramento County. However, the warrant instructed police to contact a Sacramento detective before arresting. Police left messages for the detective. No arrest was made at that time.

[Damn red tape.]

At 10:39 a.m., a caller from a parking lot on the 100 block of Neal Street reported a man in a red Fiero was speeding in the lot and tried to start a fight with the caller. Police stopped the man and advised him about the speeding and his attitude.

[Giving people advice about their attitude seems a bit futile.]

At 12:47 p.m., a woman from the 18000 block of Chaparral Drive reported possible identity theft. She said she was being tailgated on Highway 49 by a white Honda with tinted windows. An officer took a report for identity theft.

[Were the people in the Honda attempting to steal her identity? I don't get it.]

At 7:40 p.m., a caller from the 18000 block of Kentucky Ravine reported a roommate set a small fire to a residence. The fire was out but the caller wanted contact regarding the roommate being "crazy." A deputy called the man back, but the phone was busy. Further contact was pending.

[Crazy roommates. Another reason to live alone.]

At 7:45 a.m., a burglary alarm sounded at a bank on the 100 block of West Main Street. It appeared a balloon may have set it off.

[A very sensitive burglary alarm or a very big ballon I would guess.]

At 5:06 p.m., an officer cited a 46-year-old man in a parking lot on the 100 block of Neal Street for having an open container of alcohol. The contents were photographed and destroyed.

[I was taught that matter can neither be created nor destroyed. And why the photograph? Memories?]

At 5:53 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of West McKnight Way reported a person was buying bomb materials in the back of a store. An officer said the situation had already been dealt with, and there was no need to follow up.

[Somehow that is less than reassuring.]

At 6:15 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of Mill Street reported a physical fight. An older man wearing a cowboy hat was a suspect. He went by the name of "Cowboy Bill." Police took a report for assault.

[This makes me want to write a song called, "The Ballad of Cowboy Bill."]

At 7:07 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of Mill Street reported Cowboy Bill was back. Police contacted the man and cited him on suspicion of assault.

[The Return of Cowboy Bill! Another song to write!]

At 9:02 p.m., a woman called from the 11000 block of Rocker Road to report her wallet was stolen. She said she knew who had her wallet and she would attempt to get it back herself. She would call back if she was unsuccessful.

[As usual, why did she call the police in the first place then?]

At 6:27 a.m., a man called from the 10000 block of Boulder Street to ask a dispatcher whether or not he is on probation. A dispatcher told him he was on probation. Part of terms of the man's probation was no alcohol consumption. The man sounded like he had been drinking and he was making death threats to the dispatcher over the phone. A deputy contacted the man.

[You have to love people with no sense of self interest.]

At 3:32 p.m., a caller from the 700 block of Zion Street reported a woman just dumped a bag of clothing. An officer would attempt to notify the woman and tell her to pick up her clothes.

[And have her clean her room while she is at it.]

At 2:26 p.m., a woman in the police station lobby said someone was pet-sitting her dog and would not return it. Police would follow up.

[The heartbreak of lovable pets?]

At 3:18 p.m., a woman called from the hospital on Glasson Way to report she had not received food for two days. Police contacted the nursing supervisor, who would check on the woman.

[If the woman was right, isn't that just handing things back to the people causing the problem?]

At 3:29 p.m., a woman called to report she watched a television show, "60 Minutes," and she was concerned for her stepfather's welfare. She had not spoken to him in more than 12 years. A deputy went to the address and determined the stepfather was staying in Colorado.

[Was it the one about the horrible nursing home? Obama? The Kurds?]

At 11:39 p.m., a woman called from Rattlesnake Road to report hearing two shots fired in the area. All was quiet when deputies arrived.

[Well, now we know how to get things to be quiet.]

At 11:57 p.m., a caller from Spenceville Road reported hearing three gunshots in the area. All was quiet when deputies arrived.

[Will somebody up the bid to four gunshots?]

At 2:39 p.m., a caller reported a man who lives on the 800 block of Annex Avenue was possibly on drugs and he believed worms were crawling on him. Police contacted the man. He was not on drugs and he was not considered to have mental health issues at the time.

[So were there, in fact, worms crawling on him then?]

At 4:07 p.m., a caller from the 15000 block of Stage Coach Way reported a dog was in foster care and the man who was taking care of the dog said the dog belonged to him. A deputy contacted both people.

[There is foster care for dogs? And what is it with doggie care takers becoming so possessive?]

At 3:15 p.m., a caller reported a person dropped off another package for a waitress at a cafe on the 200 block of Broad Street. The person who sent the package had been notified of a hearing about a restraining order involving the cafe. An officer took a report.

[There has to be some creepy story behind this I am sure.]

At 1:32 p.m., a woman called from the 900 block of Plaza Drive to report she was being harassed by a person who was posing as an attorney. The person said a client wanted to sue the woman. The caller wanted to press charges for impersonating a lawyer. An officer checked background information and discovered the person is a legitimate attorney. No crime had been committed.

[Actually being a lawyer is not a crime. And how do you prove that you are a lawyer? Does your bar association membership count?]

At 9:46 p.m., a caller from North Church Street reported a female yellow terrier mix dog named Pariah was missing. Pariah weighs 48 pounds and was wearing a green harness and a silver and leather collar with no tags. Patrol officers and Animal Control were advised.

[If you name a dog Pariah, are you foolish for thinking it will stick around?]

At 7:32 p.m., a woman called from Freeman Lane to report that while she was doing her laundry she found a sofa in the back of the business that had ammunition in it. Police collected and destroyed six 12-gage shot rounds.

[Is possession of a loaded sofa against any laws? Watch how you sit on that thing, it could go off!]

At 6:16 a.m., a man called from the 12000 block of Garden Bar Road to report his elderly parents had been missing since Feb. 11. They were last seen at a funeral in Lompoc. The caller's parents were entered into a missing persons database and law enforcement was alerted to be on the lookout for them. Eight hours later, the man located his parents and the alert was canceled.

[This was 8 days later, so it seems to have been something of a long funeral... or a hell of a wake.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

SETI@home Finds Something At Last

Maybe SETI hasn't found life in the universe yet, but it did find somebody's stolen laptop.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXXXIII

At 3:54 a.m., a caller from the 500 block of Blight Road reported a flooded apartment and said the landlord wouldn't do anything about it. Deputies found minor dripping.

[Deputies responded at 4am to a reported drip in progress?]

At 9:03 a.m., a caller from the 200 block of North Auburn Street reported her yard was flooded due to water backup form the rain runoff.

[No report of a police response to this water crime.]

At 9:31 a.m., a caller from 300 block of Clark Street reported her garage was possibly vandalized or hit by a car.

[It is hard to tell. It might just be the rain.]

At 3:07 a.m., a caller from the 18000 block of Lake Forest Drive reported an unknown subject was on the caller's deck, then jumped the fence and ran toward the forest. The caller called back to say coyotes "are going crazy" behind the forest.

[We can only hope it was a feeding frenzy.]

At 3:43 a.m., a 911 caller reported hearing gunshots at a neighbor's house. Officers at the scene found an unresponsive woman on the couch breathing and a man unresponsive but breathing in the back room. There was a large amount of alcohol seen inside the residence.

[I once knew a woman who was quite unresponsive on a couch, but we broke up not too long after that.]

At 4:26 p.m., the sheriff's office reported a stolen vehicle was found in the Greenhorn area. They were unable to retrieve the vehicle and would try again the next day with a bigger tow truck.

[Just how big is this stolen vehicle? Or was there a typo on the request and somebody showed up with a "toy truck?"]

At 12:27 p.m., a caller from Bitney Springs Road reported a group of eight to nine men appeared hostile. One man got out of his vehicle with a chain saw and was arguing. The caller called back and reported two vehicles left the area and the men no longer appeared to be fighting.

[Damn, no chain saw fight.]

At 12:48 p.m., a caller from Edgewood Road at Highway 174 reported a neighbor was digging ditches across a private roadway to slow traffic. The caller said every time in rains, the road becomes almost impassable.

[I suppose ditches are easier to craft in dirt than speed bumps.]

At 3:53 p.m., a caller from the Buckeye Greenhorn Crossing reported a white F150 truck was in the river up to its windows. The caller said he heard juveniles say they had gotten stuck, but they would report the truck stolen instead of having it towed.

[There goes that plan to fool somebody's dad I bet. Also, there is a great street name. "Why did the Buckeye Greenhorn cross the road?"]

At 5:20 p.m., a woman who sounded extremely drunk called from the 10000 block of Kearney Court to report she had been drugged for the last four months and was confused about what happened to her during that time. She also said she was told where a meth lab was located. An deputy contacted her.

[Well, she remembered something I suppose.]

At 6:54 p.m., a woman called from the 1000 block of Kearney Court to say she didn't know why deputies were at her house. She was crying and disoriented on the phone.

[This probably puts the meth lab location into question.]

At 11:01 p.m., a caller from the 10000 block of Boulder Street reported a fight with his roommate over snoring. The man then said he would "kill" someone. A deputy explained the eviction process.

[Small comfort to the guy who couldn't sleep.]

At 10:45 p.m., a caller from a grocery store on Nevada City Highway reported a possible drunken driver. An older man with a full beard driving a silver Toyota Tacoma hit road markers across from a gas station on the same road. Police stopped the car and spoke with the 53-year-old driver. He had not been drinking, but was possibly driving badly.

[Sometimes we just suck all by ourselves.]

At 1:20 p.m., a woman from the 12000 block of Quaker Hill Cross Road reported her neighbors are loud when the weather is good and she wanted to know how to make them stop.

[Move some place where the weather isn't so nice?]

At 8:08 p.m., a caller from Wolf Road requested deputies check the area near Combie Road for a woman hitchhiking with two black eyes.

[Either that, or she is a goth, which would probably elicit a call to the police in Nevada County as well.]

At 8:44 a.m., a caller from the 400 block of Factory Street reported a raccoon that was sleeping on her porch was running on the side of the road and she was concerned the raccoon would be injured or run over. An officer advised the woman that raccoons are wild and the police department could not assist.

[I see a series of painful rabies shots in this woman's future.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Overboard for Anna Nicole

While I am sorry for her untimely death, I rather think the Yahoo! headline writer went a little far with this allusion, effectively putting her in the same league as Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana:



Still, I am resting easy on my worry that Elton John might change the lyrics again for a few more bucks.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXXXII

At 1:06 p.m., a caller from Mainhart Drive reported a hot dog cart was stuck in the road. An officer took a report.

[What is the radio code for a stuck hot dog cart? I bet they have one.]

At 6:57 p.m., a man called from Freeman Lane to report his 83-year-old wife was supposed to meet him at a grocery store and she had not arrived. Police checked the area, including another nearby grocery store, and found the woman there. Police reunited the couple.

[Once again underlining the importance of clear communication in a relationship.]

At 10:52 p.m., a caller from the Squirrel Creek Road area reported a lost black dachshund named Harley wearing a green collar with a turn-on light that sparkles. The caller said the dog was just neutered yesterday. The graveyard shift officers were advised.

[Just one indignity after another for this poor dog. It is no wonder he ran for it.]

At 10:08 a.m., a caller from the 300 block of Broad Street reported vandalism to a topiary in front of a store. Police determined a plant was knocked over.

[Further investigation revealed that is was on the floor now.]

At 10:32 a.m., a woman called from the 200 block of Dorsey Drive to report she was attempting to get her son out of bed to go to school, but every time she tried, he attempted to hit her. Police made contact.

[If only life's problems could be solved by just hitting the person trying to wake you up....]

At 2:01 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of Olympia Park Road reported possible fraud. There was no financial loss, but there was a deaf and mute reverend from Wisconsin attempting to buy flooring items.

[The deaf and mute reverend from Wisconsin! I will be disappointed if he never appears in the blotter again. This has to be a setup for a running gag.]

At 6:07 p.m., a woman from the 100 block of Carpenter Street reported a man was driving down the street and taunting her

[Neener, neener, neener!]

At 10:16 p.m., a caller from the 200 block of Coyote Street reported a man had strewn personal property all over the inside of the United States Post Office, including toys and clothing. Police contacted the man, who gathered up his belongings. He was advised he is no longer allowed at the Post Office.

[Can you really ban somebody from the post office?]

At 7:46 a.m., a woman from the 14000 block of Ballantree Lane reported another woman was having an affair with her husband was calling all morning and making threats to kill her. A deputy contacted the woman.

[Did she work for NASA? Ouch, very topical joke. I apologize.]

At 11:24 p.m., a caller from the 600 block of Minnie Street reported a person in Condon Park was swinging flaming sticks. Police contacted a 29-year-old woman, and she went home.

[Martial arts? Baton twirling? Pyromania?]

At 9:47 a.m., a caller from the 800 block of Nevada Street reported a roommate engaged in a verbal fight with the a babysitter. The roommate was making threatening statements at the babysitter and the caller's juvenile son. The caller requested welfare check on the son.

[You just know this is a living situation that is going to endure.]

At 8:57 a.m., a caller reported a theft at a business on Sutton Way that occurred Saturday and is on tape. Items taken were $800 worth of Prilosec and Pepsid.

[The stomach problem mafia strikes again.]

At 11:07 a.m., a man from the 15000 block of Digger Hill Way complained of a neighbor photographing him while out in the yard working.

[I have no idea what you do in that situation. I would probably just start taking pictures of the neighbor.]

At 1:46 p.m., a caller from Mt. Olive Road reported two men in the driveway of a residence with two long guns pointed toward a tree in the yard, apparently trying to shoot something out of the tree. It was discovered the weapons were pellet guns.

[The identity of the target remains a mystery.]

At 7:38 p.m., a caller from the 13000 block of Ryan Court reported a woman tenant went out jogging at 11 a.m. and has not returned yet. Her vehicle and cell telephone were still at her residence.

[The caller's log of the woman's comings and goings indicated that she should have been back at least 2 hours ago.]

At 12:09 a.m., a 911 caller reported a heavy-set man with a beanie carrying a rifle and standing in front of the door of a taco shop. Contact was made with the night manager, who was eradicating birds from the eaves with a BB gun.

[In my mind it is Tweedledee, nocturnal bird slayer at work.]

At 4:13 p.m., a caller reported a woman driving a white GMC truck parked in a handicapped spot on Sutton Way, then drove out of the parking lot at high speed without any concern about who was in her way. Patrol officers were advised.

[She reportedly waved her hands in the air like she just didn't care.]

At 10:40 p.m., a caller reported a suspicious-looking man who drove into a parking lot in a gold Ford. Police contacted the man, who was changing clothes for his next job.

[Presumably it wasn't a bank job.]

At 7:16 p.m., a man from the 20000 block of Pleasant Valley Road reported someone named Alex tried to break into his house. The caller said he swung his Christmas tree at the man, causing him to leave.

[First nomination of the year for the category of "Least Likely Weapon of Self Defense." I bet he's glad he hadn't bothered to take his tree down yet.]

At 12:27 p.m., a caller from an elementary school on the 500 block of Main Street reported a neighbor had been in the bushes around the school and walking around the school with a flashlight between 6 a.m. and 6:30 a.m. during the weekdays. The person had been intentionally trying to startle the janitor and she was fearing for her safety. The caller requested extra patrols.

[There is just a deeper story here that I am sure will be on the front page some time soon.

At 10:26 a.m., a caller from Bennett Street near North Star Drive reported a man wearing a black beanie and a blue sweater was drinking beer and yelling at people.

[At least we know what Tweedledum was up to. Two beanies in a week. Another trend?]

At 12:52 p.m., a woman called from a restaurant on McKnight Way to report a man who looked similar to a robbery suspect was eating at the restaurant, and she heard him say he was going to go bowling at 1:30 p.m. The information was given to a detective.

[The detective didn't feel like bowling and suggested a movie instead.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Airline Ruthlessness

A friend of mine is planning, with his family (wife and two kids) a trip to Disney World this summer.

After the recent unpleasantness on an ATA flight from Orlando to Boston, my friend wanted to make sure his kids, especially his young son, understood the importance of behaving on the airplane.

He explained to his son how this family's child, of similar age, was misbehaving so badly that the whole family got thrown off the flight.

This hit home harder than my friend thought it would. His son was wide-eyed and speechless.

My friend asked if he understood now why he should behave on the place.

His son nodded, then asked in a quiet voice, "But they got parachutes, didn't they?"

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXXXI

At 7:47 a.m. a caller from the 900 block of Main Street requested a welfare check on his mother, who left an incoherent phone message on his answering machine.

[If that is cause to call the police, they had better go check on my brother.]

At 8:51 a.m. a caller from Hennessy School reported a male subject nearby in a black hat and black leather jacket, "doing something strange under a bush."

[A man in a black hat under a bush.]

At 9:21 a.m. a bank reported a suspicious subject has been coming into the bank for the past couple of weeks trying to cash a check for a large amount from an account he has little or no paperwork on.

[Isn't that why they put a hold on these sorts of transactions? The check was probably from Nigeria.]

At 8:01 p.m. a caller from the 10000 block of Park Avenue said he had taken four hits of acid and didn't know what was going on.

[But he knew enough to dial 911!]

At 3:41 p.m. a caller said a juvenile was riding a skateboard on Brighton Street and was mooning people as he rode by.

[I do not think I have ever see Tony Hawk attempt that particular move.]

At 10:59 p.m., a caller from East Main Street reported a person was carrying an odd musical instrument. Police contacted a person who was carrying a big stick.

[And he was speaking softly.]

At 5:55 a.m., a caller from East Main Street reported a man was sleeping at the post office. Police contacted the 50-year-old man, who would be moving on.

[You need to get a job there first.]

At 6:16 a.m., a man called from East Main Street to report hearing voices in the bushes near City Hall. He said there were also mattresses there. Police contacted a man and advised him to move on.

[Was he wearing a black hat?]

At 6:30 p.m., a man called from the 400 block of Sutton Way to report a man was trying to assault him because he believed the caller threw a sandwich at his son. Police contacted the caller and were unable to locate the other man and his son.

[No report on the sandwich.]

At 6:48 p.m., a caller from South Church Street reported a man was sawing open a bank ATM machine. Police contacted the man, who was repairing the machine.

[Although it does seem to be suspiciously late in the day to be doing such a repair.]

At 11:54 a.m., a caller from Dog Bar Road at Lodestar Drive reported two boys in a gray Buick were shooting a BB gun out the window at mailboxes. The passenger, who was doing the shooting, had short hair.

[Catch them now before they graduate to shotguns.]

At 10:39 p.m., a man called from Dead Man's Flat at Squirrel Creek Road to report a man told him he found a duffel bag in the area with a child's skeleton in it. The man encouraged the caller to contact the police. Deputies searched the area and were unable to locate any duffel bag or a child's bones.

[The man was advised that the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary.]

At 8:44 p.m., a woman called from the 900 block of Laurel Avenue to report receiving a call from a man with a young voice who said, "Rob, I'm stuck in the window, can you come and help me?" The woman was not familiar with the man's voice and a return call came back as disconnected.

[Somewhere, somebody with a young voice must have finally gotten free.]

At 2:21 p.m., a man called from the 600 block of Long Street to report people possibly were living under his house. An officer determined no one was in the basement.

[All that junk down there, that belongs to you, sir.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)