I Find This Lack of Breeze Disturbing...

If I had a hot air balloon, it would look like this.

Then I Got To Step 24...

If you go to Google Maps, select the Get Directions option, and type in New York, New York as your starting point and Paris, France as your destination, you get a set of directions with a rather odd catch.

They do provide a map to help you along the way.

[Update: This seems to work from any location on this side of the Atlantic, even Grass Valley.]

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXXXVI

At 12:20 a.m., a caller from Sutton Way reported a woman was walking back and forth, yelling at cars. Police contacted the woman and she walked toward her boyfriend's apartment.

[And did they check to see if she walked back again?]

At 9:35 a.m., a caller from the 18000 block of Bowman Lake Road reported a group home area had been entered and burglarized. No weapons were stolen. A deputy took a report for burglary.

[So they keep the weapons somewhere else in the group home?]

At 10:22 a.m., a woman called from Hawaii to report she was possibly assaulted in Dec. 2004 on the 11000 block of Forest View Drive. She said she just found out about it. The caller said she is in the Air Force and is stationed in Hawaii. She said both she and the suspect were in the military when the assault occurred, and the suspect is possibly living in Jacksonville, Fla.

[Aside from the absurdity of the report (was she notified of the assault through the mail?) and the jurisdictional nightmare, I just wanted to mention I used to live on Forest View Drive.]

At 12:03 p.m., a caller from Mill Street reported a juvenile male with red hair kept running into a business and lighting things on fire.

[Carrot Top runs amok.]

At 3:36 p.m., police cited a 15-year-old boy at Hennessy School on suspicion of possession of an alcoholic beverage by a minor and possession of an alcoholic beverage on school grounds.

[I dearly hope it was Cognac.]

At 9:45 p.m., an officer contacted a man hiding in bushes at Minnie Park. Police arrested the 43-year-old man on warrants. Police also advised another man not to drive because of his suspended license.

[I suppose at least the guy was trying to hide as opposed to doing something to draw attention to himself.]

At 9:28 p.m., a caller from the 17000 block of Del Mar Way reported a man tried to deliver a package to a previous resident at a house who moved out seven years ago. The man said he worked for FedEx, but he drove a red truck and wore "western garb." The caller contacted FedEx. They told the caller to call the sheriff because their drivers always wear uniforms. A deputy responded.

[I suspect Cowboy Bill.]

At 9:02 p.m., a caller from a fast food restaurant on the 11000 block of Nevada City Highway reported two to three men appeared to be doing a drug deal through a white Jeep with a "for sale" sign in the window. Police were unable to locate the Jeep.

[Were they standing on either side of the jeep and communicating through the open doors?]

At 3:14 a.m., a woman called from Pleasant Street to report her car was taken from in front of a bar. Police contacted a 19-year-old woman and arrested her for warrants.

[Again, the irony of calling the police and then being arrested. Insult/Injury ratio: High]

At 12:06 p.m. a caller from the 10000 block of Hawke Lane reported a dog was stolen. A deputy contacted the caller, who would activate a tracking chip on the dog. The caller would report the dog's location the next day.

[I was going to comment on the idea of a dog being "stolen," but then this dog has a built in tracking system, so maybe it is valuable enough to steal.]

At 5:16 p.m., a caller from the 10000 block of Banner Lava Cap Road reported her mailbox and her neighbor's mailbox were vandalized. One was filled with concrete.

[That is a new twist.]

At 8:28 p.m., a caller from a gas station on the 200 block of South Auburn Street reported two men in a white meat truck possibly were drunk. Police contacted a 26-year-old man and a 25-year-old man. They were not drunk.

[I would have to guess that the caller was female. Guys are goofy even when they are not drunk.]

At 11:43 p.m., a caller from Newtown Road reported a suspicious-looking pedestrian was crossing the street. The caller said the person was dressed like "a red ninja."

[I will be disappointed if we hear nothing further regarding "a red ninja."]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXXXV

At 11:59 a.m., a caller from a business on the 200 block of Main Street reported an antique gun with a gold handle and cowboy scene engraving was stolen. It was a "General Custer Replica." Police took a report for petty theft.

[General Custer was not really a "cowboy" per se.]

At 1:25 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of West Berryhill Drive reported someone was driving something that was very loud and probably illegal. The caller said a juvenile must be operating it. The caller did not see anything, but just heard something. A patrol officer was advised.

[I see this person wants to be the new Jean Dixon.]

At 3:14 p.m., a caller from a grocery store on Freeman Lane reported a man ordered food, then threw the food at customers. The man was last seen leaving the store on his bicycle. A caller from a grocery store on the 100 block of West McKnight Way reported the same man had shoplifted. Police arrested the 42-year-old man on suspicion of violation of probation.

[We suspect that throwing food and/or shoplifting might be a violation thereof.]

At 10:18 a.m., a caller from Houghton Ranch Road reported someone was setting off "a very large amount of dynamite charges that were way too strong and too many." The caller was worried the blasts would damage her well. Caltrans was blasting on Highway 20 at a construction site.

[Everybody is an expert.]

At 6:10 p.m., a woman called from the 22000 block of Wild Canary Road to report an emu had been loose in her driveway for the last three hours. An Animal Control officer was advised.

[How often has an emu ever been loose on Wild Canary Road? How often do they get loose in Nevada County?]

At 10:07 a.m., several callers from Wolf Mountain Road reported people on quads and dirt bikes were riding up and down the roadway at dangerously high speeds.

[That is what they are for.]

At 3:25 p.m., a caller from the intersection of Nevel and Wiley Streets reported that a woman was blowing a whistle to make the neighborhood dogs bark, and then yelling at them.

[Everybody should have a hobby.]

At 8:32 p.m., a caller from a business on the 200 block of McKnight Way reported that a man wearing sunglasses and a green sweatshirt and carrying a flute and a notepad had been making weird faces at her and had followed her outside.

[There is a "Band Camp" joke in there somewhere.]

At 4:08 p.m., a caller from the 15000 block of Stagecoach Way reported that her neighbor, a butcher, has placed two steer heads in view of her residence.

[Get back to us if he puts one in your bed.]

At 11:43 a.m., a caller from the 10000 block of S. Ponderosa Way reported that her neighbor was threatening to burn her house down.

[Neighbor relations!]

At 6:35 p.m., a caller from the 15000 block of Taylor Crossing Road reported that a transient had moved his things into the bushes near her residence. At 6:48 p.m., the caller reported that after the transient told her he was going down to the river to get his shoes, she heard a gunshot. When the man didn't return, she feared that he had committed suicide.

[Somebody else vying to be the new Jean Dixon.]

At 6:27 p.m., a caller from a gas station on McKnight Way reported a wild bird was in the store and it was injured. Animal Control would not respond because the bird was not a domestic animal. A dispatcher gave the caller a phone number for wild bird rescue.

[But if it was a deer I bet they would be out there.]

At 9:45 p.m., a woman called from the 300 block of Pleasant Street to report she was attacked by a strange cat and she locked it in her bathroom. Animal Control would handle the situation.

[Consistancy! Domestic animal, problem handled. Wasn't there a movie about cats that attacked?]

At 2:33 p.m., a caller from McCourtney Road and Patterson Valley Road reported a man wearing all camouflage, approximately 20 years old, was carrying a rifle. Deputies were unable to locate the man.

[Of course not, he was camouflaged!]

At 8:10 p.m., a caller from a bar on the 29000 block of Highway 49 in North San Juan reported two women were in a physical fight. Dispatchers called back and determined the women had left the bar. An officer would check on their welfare.

[I like how the fact that they were in a bar just slips in near the end.]

At 1:42 p.m., a person flagged down an officer on East Main Street at Scandling Avenue to report a fire truck was involved in a minor collision with a parked car. Police would follow up.

[In San Jose the police do feel a bit of resentment against the fire department because of their plush fire stations (at least the one down town). I wonder if they get to ticket the driver of the fire truck and, if so, whether or not the enjoyed it.]

At 4:37 a.m., a man called from the 100 block of Boundy Court to report someone was breaking into his home. Police verified the address then the line was disconnected.

[And?]

At 12:04 p.m., a caller from Streeter Road reported two men dressed in camouflage and carrying rifles were near the Oak Mesa Junction. They were in a white Dodge Ram pickup. Deputies were unable to locate the men.

[Another testament to the effectiveness of camouflaged!]

At 5:39 p.m., a woman reported she left her vehicle in front of an auto repair business on the 300 block of Railroad Avenue while she was trying to get money for repairs to her car's transmission. The last time she checked on it was Feb. 14. She recently received paperwork from the Placer County Sheriff's Office that the vehicle was stripped and burned in Colfax. She asked to make a report for a stolen vehicle.

[I wonder how you react to a letter telling you your vehicle was stolen, stripped, and burned? I suppose you can let go of worry about the transmission repairs.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXXXIV

At 2:17 p.m., a caller from the 14000 block of Oak Meadow Road reported cabinets, kitchen counter, toilets and other features were missing from a house that the bank had foreclosed on.

[I guess the Joads packed everything when the bank threw them out.]

At 11:22 p.m., a caller from a business of the 1000 block of Sutton Way reported a young man taking stickers off condom packs and putting them in his pocket. The man left in a green, two-door hatchback vehicle, going in an unknown direction. Officers contacted the reporting person, who couldn't say if anything was stolen.

[Condom stickers?]

At 8:09 a.m., a woman from the 600 block of Eskaton Circle reported she received a suspicious call on her office voice machine from a man who said he had just gotten out of a Mexican prison and needed massage therapy.

[That message... that I would call the police about. That disturbs me even now.]

At 9:13 p.m., a caller from the intersection of Brighton Street and Penstock Drive reported that four juveniles were throwing liquid at vehicles.

[Throwing liquid is difficult unless it is encased in a balloon.]

At 11:25 a.m., an employee from a business on the 200 block of Broad Street reported that a customer had become belligerent when the employee refused to take back a pair of slippers purchased by the customer the week before. The customer wanted to return the slippers after wearing them to a bar and getting kicked out for not wearing shoes.

[I am dissatisfied with my purchase as my bartender refuses to acknowledge it as footwear.]

At 2:39 p.m., a caller from a bar on the 300 block of Broad Street reported that a suspicious person wearing black clothing and sheepskin slippers was loitering.

[And no doubt still fuming about everybody thinking slippers are not appropriate footwear for bar hopping.]

At 5:57 a.m., a caller from Mooney Flat Road reported that a man in a truck claiming to be "checking for patch paving" had been driving up and down the road without headlights. The caller suspected he was poaching.

[That "checking for patch paving" being the oldest excuse in the book I guess.]

At 6:29 p.m., a 23-year-old from Grass Valley was booked at the Wayne Brown Correctional Facility and released for assault with a deadly weapon.

[Because we wouldn't want to actually keep violent criminals in jail. They would only cause problems.]

At 8:05 p.m., a woman called from the 300 block of Hazel Way to report that her estranged husband had come into the residence and taken some of her jewelry. Officers contacted the 39-year-old woman and booked her on a warrant.

[I chuckle every time somebody calls the police and ends up getting arrested.]

An 8:19 p.m. caller from the 14600 block of Nutmeg Court reported someone had broken into their home and may have taken a shower.

[They left the bath towel on the floor. I hate when they do that.]

At 10:58 p.m., a caller from the 19000 block of Cerrito Road reported a verbal argument with an allegedly drunken person in a parking lot. Deputies arrested a 46-year-old man on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon, possession of a controlled substance, buying a handgun without an identification mark, assault with a deadly weapon other than a firearm and bringing drugs into jail.

[Wow, a full line up of charges, including one after they got him to jail. I hope they did not let him out again.]

At 2:55 p.m., a caller from the 14000 block of Lime Kiln Road reported a man drove over a fence to access a neighboring property. Deputies contacted the man, who had a shovel and said he was planting strawberries. Deputies admonished the man for minor property damage to the fence and trespassing.

[Planting strawberries. Worst excuse ever.]

At 8:26 p.m., a caller from the 11000 block of Warbler Way reported a car belonging to the caller's son was covered in flour, pinto beans and syrup. The caller requested extra patrol.

[Either that or a very large frying pan.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

One of These Reviews is Not Like The Others

I have had an account with Audible.com for over five years. I have a subscription there that allows me do download two titles a month for a flat fee. My daily commute is long enough that I can go through two unabridged audio books a month without much problem.

I get to choose my two books after the same day of the month every month. For me that day came this week so I started looking through the titles to see what I wanted to grab.

I guess it is a nice thing that, after five years, I have already browsed through most of their library and now just have to poke through the "What's New" list every month.

Since I last looked through the list I noticed they had added a likely looking candidate for an in-car listen, a military thriller, with the title of "Catalyst."

I had never heard of the either of the authors, but it was read by Patrick Macnee whom I have enjoyed listening to with other titles.

Then I noticed the book had a one star reader review and 5 written reviews. So I went to look at the written reviews.

Four of them panned the book for nearly the same reason; it is difficult to listen to both because of the reader (who was no doubt not coached correctly judging from the comments... I work with voice talent at times, you don't just have people read a book aloud) and because of the generally poor production quality (the word "echo" sticks out in my mind from the negative reviews). I've run into audio issues before and am glad to be warned off of such titles.

Audible.com is not like Amazon.com, people do not write a lot of reviews. (And even on Amazon.com, books by these author's barely generate any reviews.)

A non-best seller title with five written reviews is an oddity. So if four people were worked up enough to go and submit negative reviews about this title, I am inclined to believe them.

The fifth review though.... Again, unlike Amazon.com, playing "spot the shill" is much easier. Five stars. The reviewer praises the book in what sounds like the publisher's marketing material and applauds the "European panache" that the reader brings to it while saying nothing about audio quality. It ends up with a statement about buying the rest of the books in the series.

So who wrote this last review? One of the authors? Friends or family? The publisher? The producer of the audio book (who sounds like they should be fired)? Even a rabid fan would have hedged on the auido quality I think.

And why do I say that? Because Audible.com offers audio samples of their books. Listening to the sample for "Catalyst," confirms both that the four negative reviews were quite justified and that the fifth one has to be a shill.

Unintentionally Funny Comic Book Panels

A few of them are so-so in my opinion, but numbers 15 and 1 make the whole thing worthwhile.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXXXVIII

At 8:36 p.m., a caller from the 400 block of South Auburn Street reported a man known as "Cowboy Bill" was running in the street and talking loudly to himself. Police arrested the 71-year-old man on an outstanding warrant.

[Is this the end of the trail for Cowboy Bill?]

At 11:51 p.m., a man from the 100 block of Richardson Street reported a drunken man was causing trouble. Police contacted the caller, who was not listed on the apartment lease. The drunken man had permission to stay for the night and the caller said he would stop calling police.

[I'm not sure what happened here, but as long as our tax dollars aren't being used to support it any further.]

At 1:25 a.m., a man from a motel on the 400 block of South Auburn Street reported his belongings were in a woman's car and she would not give them back. She was in the motel parking lot with her vehicle running and a dog in her car. Police contacted the man and woman. They cited the man on suspicion of possession of less than an ounce of marijuana.
[Another case of the caller getting himself in trouble.]

At 11:28 a.m., a man was at the Sheriff's Office reporting his brother was using his identity.

[The question that springs immediately to my mind is, "Are they twins?"]

At 7:59 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of East Empire Street reported a man and a woman calling for help for the past 15 minutes. Officers contacted those looking for help and they were found searching for their dog. The pet was united with its owner.

[Was the dog's name "Help?"]

At 10:12 p.m., a caller from the 600 block of Kate Hayes Street reported a man fighting with his wife on the street and arguing about her having torn a phone out of a wall. Officers arrested the 50-year-old woman for removing a telephone line.

[My theory about this being a male-only crime is debunked at last.]

At 2:48 p.m., a man from the 10000 block of Granholm Lane reported medication sent to an address he previously lived at wasn't being returned to him by the new resident.

[And just try getting the online pharmacy to change your address.]

At 5:15 p.m., a woman from the 10000 block of Valley Drive reported her husband brought home a sandwich bag full of marijuana.

[And, what? Was that not on the shopping list?]

At 11:06 p.m., a woman from the 12000 block of Boundary Way reported that her boyfriend had knocked her around. She reported his name and then refused to give any further information, saying she made up the fight to get him into trouble. Officers contacted the parties involved, and booked the 45-year-old man into county jail for resisting arrest.

[I always wonder how somebody can get brought in with "resisting arrest" as the only charge.]

At 1:12 a.m., a caller from the 17000 block of Norlene Way reported an unknown subject pushing vehicles and other miscellaneous items into the road.

[Superman, what hath thou wrought?]

At 2:46 p.m., a caller from the 14000 block of Gas Canyon Road reported unknown subjects had entered the gates of a wastewater treatment facility. The subjects had thrown mud all over the building and it also appeared as if they attempted to hit golf balls into the water tanks. The caller said the incident occurred on Thursday and requested a log entry only.

[It has to be somebody making a music video.]

At 7:53 p.m., it was reported that a male subject was making repeated threatening phone calls to the Sheriff dispatch.

[That's efficiency, cutting out the middleman and just going straight to the police to make his threats.]

At 7:56 p.m., a caller from the 200 block of Broad Street reported juveniles breaking duct work on the roof of a Nevada City business. All the subjects were wearing Yankee baseball uniforms.

[I think there is a lesson here for all of us.]

At 7:40 a.m., a nurse called from the 600 block of Freeman Lane to report a man lying in a nearby field. The woman called back to say she was wrong and what she thought was a man was really a pile of concrete.

[If this woman takes my pulse, I am asking for a second opinion.]

At 12:25 p.m., a woman from the 100 block of McKnight Way called to report a middle-aged man with a goatee picked up her keys by mistake at a local laundromat. The woman wanted the incident recorded because she felt he was acting suspicious.

[A middle-aged man with a goatee, that is suspicious right there! Him and his so-called "mistake."]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

End of Fiscal Year

The end of the quarter is almost here. It just so happens that this is also the end of our fiscal year.

This means that everybody in the company is getting email about making sure our project time tracking entries are up to date, our vacation time has all been submitted, and that things like expense reports are all signed, approved, and turned in.

Being a large and modern company, all of this is done through software that is maintained by the IT department. SAP is the software of choice at our company. Feel free to speculate on what the acronym SAP really stands for, but I will guarantee it isn't "Solves All Problems."

Still, we know the drill. We have received the bare minimal training to use the horrible interface on must navigate to accomplish all of these tasks before the end of the quarter.

Only there is a problem. Among the email flying about was one from IT. With a week to go in the quarter, they decided they needed to upgrade SAP.

This upgrade... you know where I am going, don't you... yes, this upgrade managed to kill all of the data entry applications we use to update our project time sheets, vacation time, expense reports, and what not. The system is up, end users can log in, but the applications are not there.

Ooops.

In real companies, these sorts of systems are locked down around end of quarter, usually two weeks before and a week after such an event, and longer at fiscal year end, to prevent just such fiascoes.

To be fair, I do not know why the upgrade was required. It might have been something that had to be done to close out the fiscal year. But to wait until the week before the end of fiscal year to do it....

We get what we deserve.

A Different Type of Web Security

Or an inadvertent security measure.

We have a mission critical system that every project has to access before it can ship. No project is complete until this system has been updated.

It is a web based system. You can do all the work you need to do in a browser.

But only if you have the right browser.

IE is not the right browser. Firefox won't work either. Opera? Forget about it. And don't even bring up Safari.

No, you need Netscape to use the system. A specific version of Netscape. A nine year old version of Netscape.

Unless you have that version, the application will not display correctly, your inputs will not be accepted, and you will get errors every time you try to go through the prescribed process required for each project.

It is a rite of passage at our company that every new manager finishing up his first project must learn this the hard way. The browser requirement is not documented anywhere. That information is part of what I call "the great oral tradition" of our company where the way things really work is only transmitted by the elders around the campfire, and only when they deem you ready.

So a new manager will be pointed at this application, told to follow the instructions in the ISO compliant document, and sent on his merry way.

A merry way to frustration and despair.

The application will appear to work in IE or any other browser, but key elements will be missing from the page. The new manager will be sure that he just isn't reading the document right. He will try to enter the data in the fields that have the right name, some of which seem to be missing. He will try to submit that data only to get an unhelpful error stating that data from a field he does not see is incorrect.

Eventually the new manager will break down and cry out for help. Impatient weenies like myself do it right away. But other more stoic types will labor on trying to make the instructions work with the application they see. The pain can last for days in that situation.

Eventually the manager will end up on the phone with somebody who has been indoctrinated into the secrets of the application. That person will send the manager to the special location on the network where this special version of Netscape is kept.

Eventually the manager's eyes will be opened. The application will work. All will be right with the world.

Thus the process to ship a project at our company is completely secure. No outsider could possibly do it.

At least that is what I tell myself. It is a much better answer than the one a new manager will get from IT should he call them to complain about the application.

It seems that the guy who wrote it years ago was an ardent Netscape supporter. Only he does not work here any more. He hasn't for years. But the application works and IT, in a seeming reversal of their standard policy, is not inclined to fix something that works.