Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. II

At 1:30 p.m., a caller from the 200 block of Sutton Way reported a stolen 1990 Chevrolet Camaro, possibly taken by the caller's brother. The vehicle is registered in both brothers' names and it was not stolen.

[The summary is awkward in an amusing way, as it makes it sound like two distinct statements, as opposed to my read, which is more along the lines of, "somebody who owns a vehicle cannot be charged with stealing said vehicle."]

At 6:16 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of West Berryhill Drive reported three juveniles were kicking what appeared to be a dead animal and were trying to put it in a bag. Police made contact with the juveniles, and the item was not a dead animal. They had dressed up a dummy and were making a film.

[I hope the film has as surprising an ending as the blotter entry.]

At 8:08 p.m., a man called from the 300 block of Pleasant Street reported a woman would not leave the residence and threatened him with a knife. Police arrested the woman for spousal abuse.

[Again with the police blotter surprise endings... like some bad horror story... and the assailant was... HIS OWN WIFE!]

At 11:01 p.m., a caller from the 300 block of Vistamont Drive reported someone rang the doorbell. Extra patrol was requested, and an officer was given the information.

[Growing up this was something that earned the equivalent of "You darn kids!" sort of rebuke, not a police presence. I wonder how the officer felt getting called out for a "ding-dong-ditch" incident?]

At 7:52 p.m., a woman called from the 13000 block of Quarterhorse Drive to report an injured fawn on her patio. The neighbor dispatched the deer.

[Great stilted prose. THE neighbor (not just any neighbor) "dispatched" the deer. Since we were talking about a fawn in the first sentence, THE neighbor might have dispatched the fawns mate to go get help for all I know.]

At 9:13 p.m., a woman called from the 13000 block of Bitney Springs Road to report she was in a fight with her sister who lives on the same property. She said her sister threw a metal rod at her but did not hit her. She said the two had been involved in civil lawsuits against each other and this was the result of "bad blood." The woman also said there is marijuana growing on the property and she wants deputies to confirm everything is legal. Deputies mediated the sisters for now.

[There is a Patty & Selma "Simpsons" episode in this, I just know it. The temptation to change the metal rod to an inanimate carbon rod was huge, but I took an oath of no editing. And we are all cool with the marijuana growing on the property, right?]

At 10:52 p.m., a man called from the 18000 block of Waterfall Lane to report he returned home from church to find his goat was stolen. He requested extra patrol.

[I'm sorry for this guy's loss, but goat theft is just amusing in and of itself. And returning from church only to find the goat gone....]

At 11:27 p.m., a man called from the 17000 block of Round Valley Circle reported a woman was hitting him. Dispatchers could hear a "loud racket" in the background. The woman was throwing things around and screaming that he hit her, too. The man said the woman was pulling his hair and biting him. He said he did not need medical attention. The woman was arrested for inflicting corporal injury on a spouse/cohabitant and damaging telephone lines.

[I was expecting to find that it was his wife, but we're left with the possibility of it just being an insane roommate or live-in girlfriend. I wonder if it is fun for the dispatcher when they can actually add to the crime report. Damaging phone lines is a crime? I could see if she chopped down the telephone pole, but I have to figure this was happening in the house.]

At 10:16 p.m., a caller from the 16000 block of Mabert Road reported a man was using his appearance to intimidate other people who were attempting to access the river. A deputy made contact with the caller and would attempt to locate the man and advise him to refrain from the behavior.

[This one wins on awkward phrasing alone. And what was it about his appearance that other people found intimidating? Was he large? Ugly? Wearing a T-shirt with a threatening phrase printed on it? And did he take the deputy's advice and refrain from the behavior? Like so many stories of Nevada County, there is no resolution.]

At 12:31 p.m., a caller from the 500 block of Wiley Street reported a neighbor was yelling obscenities over a fence at kids in the pool. Police made contact so that the person would stop yelling.

[Good, because I would hate for the police to make contact merely to join in with the yelling of obscenities.]

At 10:38 p.m., a caller from Kathleen Way reported a group of three boys and two girls were running around the neighborhood and hiding behind cars. Police checked the area and could smell smoke. The area was checked extensively and police were unable to locate the children or the source of the smell.

[Can you actually "check" something extensively? I always think of "checking" to be a somewhat superficial effort. "Yes, I checked, it is still there." An extensive search I could see, but extensive checking sounds like an attempt to do the minimum to keep the caller happy.]

At 11:33 p.m., a woman called from the 100 block of Kathleen Way to report she could smell smoke behind her house and she said juveniles with firecrackers were in the area. Police checked the area again and were unable to locate any juveniles or firecrackers.

[It is difficult to steer clear of Keystone Cops references at this point. At least we know where the smoke came from now. Again they "checked" and again they came up dry.]

At 1:29 p.m., a woman called from the 14000 block of Pammy Way to report two men entered her residence claiming to clean carpets. They handed her a brochure with hardly any information on it and when she said no, they grabbed it and left on foot. Deputies were unable to locate the men.

[I am pretty sure they were going to try to sell her a Kirby vacuum cleaner. (see http://www.cockeyed.com/citizen/kirby/kirby.html)]

At 1:36 a.m., a woman called from Indian Springs Road at McCourtney Road to report a man was hitting his head on a tree as she passed several times. Deputies were unable to locate the man.

[People are still gripped with World Cup fever I see. If this were a college town like Chico, I would assume she was witnessing a performance art piece with a title like "The Passion of the Zidane" or some such.]

At 9:46 p.m., a caller from Western Gateway Park reported a man was walking back and forth and may have been intoxicated.

[Could it really have been a woman? Could the distracting presence of a man hitting his head on a tree have caused the intoxicated behavior? The time stamp says "No!" but my heart says, "Yes!"]

At 10:04 p.m., a traffic stop on North Church Street at Richardson Street resulted in the citation of a 35-year-old man. His driver's license expired in 1999.

[Yeah, look... i was going to take care of that you see, but you know how things keep coming up... and... well... one thing pushes out another....]

At 12:54 p.m., a caller from the 17000 block of Knoll Top Drive reported a juvenile was home alone and a person wearing a ski mask walked into the driveway and up to the garage. Deputies were unable to locate a trespasser.

[This had to be a prank, but at least it seems reasonable to call it in. But a ski mask? In Grass Valley? After noon? In July? That is a quick way to get heat stroke, if nothing else.]

At 12:57 a.m., a caller from the 17000 block of China Flats Road reported he was beat up by his girlfriend, then he hung up. He called back to say he would not cooperate with police and wanted to give his girlfriend another chance. He said the fight was not physical, and he did not have any visible injuries.

[She hurt him with her words. (This is a Jerky Boys reference that exactly one person will get... but he will laugh at it.)]

At 2:40 p.m., a woman called from the 700 block of Zion Street to report a man has been entering the business and making her feel uncomfortable. She does not know the man, but he was telling people they are friends.

[Now, is a real crime occurring here, or is this more of something that requires "peace officer powers?"]

At 11:15 p.m., a man called from the 19000 block of Matthew Road to report his brother had been acting strangely after a discussion about inheritance. His brother was chasing him and asking him "where his big knife was." Deputies responded and separated the brothers.

[I imagine that one of them then drove off in their jointly owned 1990 Chevrolet Camaro.]

At 9:36 a.m., a caller from an apartment complex on Pleasant Street reported a man was being hosed off in a grassy area by another man. Police made contact with a man, who said he was just hot and he wanted someone to hose him down.

[I always move my favorite entry to the end. It is sort of the big close theory of performance. Originally I had the brothers because... well... they earned it, plus then I had nice set of brothers bookend stories. But then this over heated guy had to get hosed down in the grassy area by another man. Was he naked or anything? Does this have implications for the future of a Gay Pride Parade in Grass Valley?]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)