Friday, October 26, 2007

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXV

9:35 a.m. - A woman called from the 100 block of Ophir Street to report her granddaughters refused to give her videotapes back. Police would follow up.

[I am sure somebody is going to have to draw the short straw to get that assignment.]

3:36 a.m. - An officer took a report at a business for a found ukulele and mandolin.

[Any report that contains a ukulele stands on its own, humor-wise. A mandolin is icing no the cake.]

8:56 a.m. - A woman from the 12000 block of Valley View Road reported her son just moved to the area and left a message for her to call him, but she had not been able to reach him for two days. A deputy called the son and he said he was just fine. He would call his mom.

[There is a message in that for all of us: Call your mother.]

10:33 p.m. - A caller from the 12000 block of Slate Creek Road reported multiple vehicles with multiple men who were acting oddly. The caller thought the men may have been trying to steal firewood. A deputy responded, and the incident appeared to be a traffic collision.

[Traffic accident, criminal conspiracy... they look so much alike.]

1:36 a.m. - A caller reported a large party at a residence at Highway 174 and Somerset Drive. Underage drinking reportedly was involved. The caller wanted to remain anonymous. The caller was not at the party but read about it on MySpace.

[Yes, thanks, very helpful.... surfing MySpace at 1:30 in the morning.]

3:35 p.m. - A caller from the hospital on the 100 block of Glasson Way reported a person was out of control in the emergency room. Police contacted the caller and advised mental health and emergency room staff that unless the patient becomes combative, it is not a law enforcement issue.

[We have certain criteria that must be met before we can taze somebody.]

8:48 p.m. - A caller from the hospital on the 100 block of Glasson Way reported a mental health patient was becoming extremely combative and medical staff needed police assistance. Police responded and remained on scene while the patient underwent a mental health evaluation.

[And that criteria has now been met. Okay, it didn't say they used the tazer, but I like to think that they did.]

11:46 a.m. - A caller from the 11000 block of Alpine Lane reported a man who looked like "Barney Fife" with a thin black mustache attempted to burglarize a home. The front door was kicked in, but his entry was blocked by items behind the door. Police were on the lookout for the man.

[Any time the name "Barney Fife" appears in the police blotter is just pure gold. Barney Fife with a thin black mustache. I think we all have that mental picture now.]

7:06 p.m. - A caller from a business on the 100 block of Neal Street reported a man with long brown hair and facial hair took Early Times whiskey. The man was caught on video. Police took a report for shoplifting.

9:47 p.m. - A caller from a business on the 100 block of Neal Street reported the same man who took whiskey returned to the store and stole more alcohol. He was last seen five minutes before the call. Police contacted a 31-year-old man and cited him on suspicion shoplifting and violating probation.

[And you thought the whole "returning to the scene of the crime" thing was a cliche.]

12:08 p.m. - A caller from the 900 block of Helling Way reported a man was screaming and fighting everyone. Police responded and the man was moving along.

[I like the idea of "fighting everyone."]

9:03 a.m. - A caller from Sierra College Drive reported a young man wearing white pants was exposing himself. Police contacted the man and gave him a ride to East Main Street. The man was not exposing himself.

[It was just the position of the sun that gave that impression.]

7 p.m. - A caller from West Main Street reported about 20 youths were raising their voices and appeared to be getting ready to fight. Police determined the group was practicing for upcoming Cornish Christmas.

[Not being familiar with how Christmas goes in Cornwall, I cannot tell if somebody should be deeply insulted or not.]

9:51 a.m. - A caller from the 10000 block of Shadow Hill Drive reported a neighbor threatened to shoot any person or vehicle entering his property. A deputy responded and determined the threat was not criminal. The deputy advised both neighbors that they should consider getting restraining orders and refrain from "taking the law into their own hands."

[They were also admonished to "get some perspective."]

10:42 a.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Neal Street reported seeing a bleached-blonde woman with a boy haircut in a red Mustang steal a registration tag off a tan car in the parking lot. Police were unable to locate the woman.

[If anybody else thought of "A bleach-blonde, in a red convertible, on the planet Schwartz," leave a comment. She no doubt drove off with Captain Jerk.]

12:10 p.m. - A caller from Main Street reported a man was selling candy, and when he was asked to leave, he became verbally abusive.

[Because that is the kind of person who succeeds in the cutthroat business of candy sales these days.]

12:32 p.m. - A woman called from the 10000 block of Mercury Drive to report she felt threatened by a neighbor because he was yelling at her while holding a large metal pipe. The man said he made no aggressive gestures toward the woman. He said he was concerned about speeders in the area. A deputy advised the man not to make gestures at, yell at or contact the woman.

[And stop going around with a large metal pipe in your hand.]

4:16 p.m. - A woman from the 100 block of Mallard Drive reported a man with an Indian accent called and said he was an FBI agent and he was going to arrest her for dealing cocaine. Police contacted the woman and determined no crime had occurred.

[I think this was part of Bob Newhart's stand-up routine at one point.]

4:17 p.m. - A woman called from the 11000 block of Sunset Place to report a man was inside her house. He said he was from a bank, and he was changing the locks. The woman locked herself in the bedroom. A deputy mediated the situation.

[Mediated? Does this imply that the bank does, in fact, employ a roving locksmith?]

12:19 p.m. - A caller from the 12000 block of Loma Rica Drive reported two men with bald heads were going in and out of the bushes, taking off their clothes. Deputies determined the men were waiting for the bus with their shirts off.

[The local transit system having dropped the "No shoes, no shirt, no ride" policy.]

Source: The Union (

Monday, October 22, 2007

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXIV

11:21 a.m. - A caller from South Church and Neal streets reported a man on a bus was yelling at a driver. Police contacted the man and he would be walking to North San Juan.

[It does not quite have the same ring as "Walking to New Orleans."]

11:45 a.m. - A person in the police station lobby reported the man from the bus incident was taking off all his clothing.

[Closer. "Walking Naked to North San Juan."]

12:04 p.m. - A caller from McCourtney Road asked for clarification about swastikas and what is lawful.

[Nosey neighbor or contentious vandal?]

2:04 p.m. - A caller from the 300 block of Pleasant Street reported an evicted resident was trying to move out, and she and another woman were "involved in a slapping fight." Police mediated the situation.

[That probably sounds a lot hotter than it really was.]

8:12 p.m. - A man from the 16000 block of Brewer Road reported a woman tried to run him over with a vehicle. Deputies determined the woman was the victim of an accident six months ago, and she had suffered severe brain injury. The man said he also was also bipolar. The dispute was over property. The man wanted to press charges, then later said he did not want to press charges.

[Well, he is bipolar. You want him to stick to one or the other, get him his medication.]

10:09 a.m. - A caller from a school on the 11000 block of Ridge Road reported doors had been vandalized. A deputy determined rocks had been thrown from a distance. The deputy took a report for vandalism.

[Thrown from a distance? My sister used to do this to our neighbor across the street.]

11:48 a.m. - A caller from a business on the 100 block of Mill Street reported a tall man went into the store twice and asked the caller to hold his hand. He was asking very personal questions. Police contacted the tall man and did not arrest him. They also contacted the caller, who would call again if the man returned.

[Can we hold hands?]

11:11 a.m. - A caller from Street Road reported someone was living in a bus at the intersection of Oak Mesa Drive. The person is reportedly on probation and is resistant to law enforcement. The matter was referred to code enforcement.

[Yeah, let the code enforcement guy go confront the guy in the bus.]

7:44 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Berryman Street dialed 911, then hung up. The caller dialed 911 again and reported the first call was a misdial. Police knocked on the door and no one answered. Twenty minutes later, someone from the same address dialed 911 twice. Police contacted two men and one woman and arrested the two men on suspicion of violation of probation.

[Way to bring attention to yourself!]

9:49 p.m. - A caller from a business on the 2000 block of Nevada City Highway reported that a man in his late 30s nicknamed "Turbo" said that law enforcement is aware he allegedly killed someone in self-defense. Police contacted the 30-year-old man and arrested him on a local warrant and advised him he was no longer welcome at the business.

[Do you think the "business" was a bar? Nice move Turbo!]

5:15 p.m. - A man called from the 15000 block of Ant Hill Road to report theft of mail from his residence sometime during the past week. A check was missing from an envelope. A deputy contacted the caller.

[Mail theft is bad, but I really want to know if you would buy a house on "Ant Hill Road?"]
11:05 p.m. - A woman called from the 15000 block of Kingsbury Circle to report a drunken person kicked in the woman's door and pushed her. A deputy and a taxi responded. No arrests were made.

[I bet the taxi got there first.]

12:09 p.m. - A woman called from the 11000 block of Lower Colfax Road to report a UPS truck came to her house, and she felt it was suspicious. She was "frantic and afraid for her life." She said a bomb had been dropped off at her house. A deputy transported the woman to a mental health facility, and she went voluntarily.

[Those UPS guys and their brown trucks.]

2:55 p.m. - A man in the sheriff's office lobby reported his daughter in Los Angeles was missing. The man has spoken with his daughter, and he did not want her to live in Los Angeles. This did not meet the criteria for a missing person.

[But haven't you seen "Escape from LA?"]

3:09 p.m. - A man from the 11000 block of Ridge Road reported five juveniles were waiting for him to leave so they could ride their skateboards on ramps they had been building.

[So, leave already and let the kids have their fun.]

Source: The Union (

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Source of Humor Secure

As this Yahoo headlines shows, at least one staple of humor about the English will continue on into the future.

I can just picture Prince Charles, who has pretty bad teeth for being the son of the richest woman in England, tying a length of string around a door knob and then getting Camilla to slam in order to yank a tooth.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXIII

At 8:23 a.m., officers arrested a 39-year-old man on the 200 block of June Drive on suspicion of damaging a telephone and booked him into the Nevada County jail.

[It has been a while since we have seen a charge of damaging a telephone.]

At 5:04 p.m., a caller from a business on the 700 block of Freeman Lane reported that a man was in front of the store swinging a bayonet and bleeding from his hand. Officers made contact with the man, who agreed to be transported to the hospital.

[Somehow, that did not end the way I expected.]

At 7:02 p.m., a caller from a storage lot on the 2500 block of Ridge Road reported that he was stuck inside the lot and the gate security was not responding to his pass code. The caller said that he was opening the gate with a screwdriver, but he wouldn't be able to secure it. Officers contacted the owner, who said he would secure the gate.

[Lesson: Always bring a screw driver.]

12:17 a.m. - Officers cited and released a 59-year-old woman on suspicion of petty theft at the 200 block of Mill Street.

1:24 a.m. - Officers arrested a 59-year-old woman at a business on the 100 block of Neal Street on suspicion of drunk driving and driving with a suspended license and booked her into the Nevada County jail.

[There is no reason this should be the same woman, but I like to think it is.]

7:39 p.m. - A woman from the 14000 block of Indian Springs Road reported that she heard a moaning sound outside her house when she returned home. She couldn't find her husband and was checking to see where he was. She believed someone had hurt him. But she found her husband was playing a joke with her.

[Haven't we seen enough sitcoms to know that this soft of thing always ends badly?]

12:10 a.m., Sept. 29 - GVFD and NCFD responded to a vehicle that overturned during a police pursuit on Greenhorn Road. Emergency personnel found one occupant had gotten out of the wreck. Police officers utilized a GVFD thermal imaging camera to search for a second occupant who fled on foot. The first occupant was transported by law enforcement, after a medical assessment.

[You can find people with it? I really want one of those cameras!]

5:39 p.m. - A caller from a business on McKnight Way reported a man wearing no shoes was screaming and yelling at people and swinging a very large stick, trying to hit people. Police contacted the man and took his stick. The caller did not wish to press charges.

[Stick: Not Yours]

10:35 a.m. - A woman called 911 from the 14000 block of Lodgepole Drive to ask what the date was. A dispatcher provided the information to the caller.

[The date? I suppose sometimes it is just easier to handle that kind of call rather than start lecturing on the proper use emergency assistance.]

9:42 a.m. - A caller from Indian Springs Road reported a motorcycle was stuck in a tree with blood on the running board and in the roadway. No one was around, but the blood appeared to be fresh. A deputy determined there was no blood and it appeared to be Jell-O on the roadway. The motorcycle was left at the scene.

[Not just gelatin, but Jell-O brand gelatin. A deputy with a discerning pallet. This has to have been a prank. I wonder how they got the motorcycle in the tree.]

9:25 a.m.- A caller from the 100 block of West McKnight Way reported a man nearly 60 years old was scaring customers. Police contacted the man and advised him to move along.

[His "It's Halloween!" excuse was ignored.]

4:32 p.m. - A caller from the 600 block of East Main Street reported seeing tires rolling down the hill. One tire was found on the side of the road with no one around and no evidence that tires continued to roll down the street.

[I just want to repeat that there is NO evidence that tires continued to roll down the street. That is all.]

7:41 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Ramon Court reported feeling he was "under siege" because his garage door wasn't opening. He told the dispatcher he would use the front door that evening.

[Then the power went out for fifteen minutes. It was like the Bataan Death March.]

5:50 p.m. - A woman called 911 from the 14000 block of Lodgepole Drive to report she was upset because she wasn't getting any reception on her television. A dispatcher advised the woman to contact the cable company directly.

[Me? I would have been more likely to complain about the stuff on TV when I do get reception.]

Source: The Union (

Friday, October 05, 2007

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXII

8:44 a.m. - A caller from Mainhart Drive and Kate Hayes Street reported a woman in a blue Ford Explorer was naked and shaking her breasts at the caller. Police contacted an 18-year-old woman and a 19-year-old man and told them to leave the area.

[It is a little early in the day for the sort of thing... public breast shaking and such... though they might still be on a roll from the night before.]

8:21 p.m. - A man called from the 13000 block of Golden Eagle Way to report a man threatened to burn his house down if he didn't pay him $5,000.

[There is something refreshing in straightforward extortion. Give me X or I will do Y.]

1:04 a.m. ­ A caller from the 13000 block of Preston Road reported a truck pulled into his driveway and four men came to the door looking for someone that "ripped them off." One man was carrying a claw hammer. Deputies were unable to locate the four men.

[I'm not sure I would have answered the door.]

3:08 p.m. ­ A caller from the 11000 block of Millpond Lane reported a girl ran away. Deputies were advised to be on the lookout for her. She has pink braces.

[Did they have any details about here that did not require a close-up of her smile?]

5:52 a.m. ­ A juvenile from the 15000 block of Cascade Drive reported three men were on the roof, then moved to the backyard. A deputy determined the report was unfounded, and the juvenile had been hallucinating.

[That is it. Just a figment of your imagination.]

1:49 p.m. - Police recovered a stolen 2002 Honda Quad Runner on the 100 block of Saint John's Drive.

4:39 p.m. - Police arrested a 19-year-old man on the 700 block of Doris Drive on suspicion of stealing a vehicle, related to the recovery of a Honda Quad Runner.

[It is nice to see same-day case resolution.]

6:43 p.m. - A woman called from the 100 block of West Berryhill Drive to report she was being stalked by the maintenance man. Police determined the report was unfounded and notified the property manager. The woman called back to say she wanted extra police patrol in the area. An officer was advised.

[I think we've heard from this woman before.]

9:48 a.m. - A caller from a business on the 100 block of Main Street reported finding drugs in a first aid kit. An officer took a report.

[Okay, I know they meant illegal drugs... but still, "Drugs Found in First Aid Kit" is never going to be a surprising headline.]

1 p.m. - a woman called from a mobile home park on the 10000 block of School Street to report her neighbor uses profanity and the "N" word. The woman was also upset because the man talks to her and seems to be outside of his trailer whenever she is outside of her trailer. Deputies determined the man's actions do not meet the criteria of stalking. A deputy contacted the man, who agreed not to talk to the woman and avoid her if he sees her near her trailer.

[I had a neighbor like that. He used to corner me every week when I brought out the garbage cans and complain about his idiot daughter and her good-for-nothing husband (his words) who had to move in with him and his wife. I could see his point, but I was not keen to hear it every week.]

11:01 p.m. - A caller from a business on the 29000 block of Highway 49 in North San Juan reported a tall man in his 50s was threatening patrons. The man refused to leave. The caller reported 40 minutes later the man appeared to be leaving.

[You can go ahead and tell the Sheriff Department's Rapid Response Team to stand down.]

1:52 a.m. - A deputy reported a person ran out of gas and pulled over on the side of Highway 49 at Rincon Way. When the deputy arrived on scene, the person was acting suspiciously and masturbating. The deputy requested a second patrol unit. The deputies admonished the driver. No arrest was made.

[Oh my. Aren't you supposed to save that "out of gas" excuse for when you have somebody else along for the ride? I also find it odd that he had time to act suspiciously while masturbating. Generally I am good for one or the other, but not both.]

2:55 p.m. - A caller from the 1000 block of Sutton Way reported a man with a mustache was urinating on the building. Police checked the area and were unable to locate the man.

[I have a fondness for descriptions that include just ONE detail about the person in question, mostly because they leave the impression that people with that characteristic favor that behavior. For example, here, my first thought was, "Men with mustaches like to pee in public." Completely false, of course, but for a moment all men with mustaches were suspect.]

5:02 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Castlemont Drive reported a man with a goatee was sitting on the caller's lawn. Police checked the area and were unable to locate the man.

[Impressions: Men with goatees are oddballs who will just sit on people's lawns. I bet if he had a mustache he would be urinating on the lawn!]

7:44 a.m. - Police stopped a man on Meadow Drive who refused to show his ID to deputies. He was admonished on suspicion of trespassing and urinating in public.

[Did he have a mustache?]

Source: The Union (

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Executive Initiative

I run a moderately sized organization in our company. I would not exactly call it an empire, but the corporate organizational chart shows that I have over 30 people reporting into me. My team is spread across the world, with people in the US, India, and the Czech Republic.

Maybe not an empire, but the sun never sets on it.

My wife sometimes makes the mistake of asking me what I did at the office on a given day. Sometimes I follow up that mistake by telling her the truth.

Last week she asked and I told her that in addition to the usual meetings to attend and fires to put out, I spent a good part of my day busily burning CDs, updating and printing labels, editing release notes, and double checking dozens of little details that come along with a product release.

My wife wanted to know why *I* had to do all of that. Didn't I have somebody to do all of that stuff for me? She has seen the org chart. She knows how many people I have working for me.

I explained that the people who work for me are all highly skilled, well paid professionals.

She pointed out that I was also a highly skilled, well paid professional.

I told her yes, but I am a manager. My primary responsibility to ensure that my team is productive, that the company is getting their money's worth out of their investment in these people. Often that means keeping them somewhat isolated from the trivia and focused on the goals for the team.

I then told her a story of my youth, which is what I do a lot these days now that I am over 40 and something of an old fart.

When I was around eight years old, I was at my grandfather's company. He started his own business after the WWII, which turned into a reasonable success. My father, my uncles, my aunt, and a few cousins ended up working for him at one time or another. I did my own stretch working for him, on the loading dock, when I was in my teens.

But back when I was eight, I was in his office, which was large and well appointed. I said to him that I would like an office like his some day. He smiled and asked if I really wanted to be an executive. I said "Yes!" quite enthusiastically. He got up and said, "Follow me."

He lead me off to the men's room where he picked up a toilet brush and handed it to me.

He said, "If you want to be an executive, start by cleaning the toilet."

He laughed while I looked at him like he was crazy. Cleaning toilets wasn't going to get me a big office.

Then he said, "When you're ready to do what needs to be done, no matter what, you can be an executive."

So now when my wife asks about my day, she makes a point to enquire about the toilets. I assure her that we pay somebody to take care of that.

Meanwhile, I do what needs to be done... though I do not have a nice office.

Not yet, anyway.

Maybe I should go order some pop-up Post-It® dispensers.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Pop Symbolism

I think it is somehow symbolic that, in our office supply cabinet, we have only Post-It® note pads designed for pop-up dispensers, but nobody in our office actually has such a dispenser.

I was also unaware at how big of a brand Post-It® has become for 3M.

All I have is little yellow square pads... for pop-up dispensers.