Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXV

9:35 a.m. - A woman called from the 100 block of Ophir Street to report her granddaughters refused to give her videotapes back. Police would follow up.

[I am sure somebody is going to have to draw the short straw to get that assignment.]

3:36 a.m. - An officer took a report at a business for a found ukulele and mandolin.

[Any report that contains a ukulele stands on its own, humor-wise. A mandolin is icing no the cake.]

8:56 a.m. - A woman from the 12000 block of Valley View Road reported her son just moved to the area and left a message for her to call him, but she had not been able to reach him for two days. A deputy called the son and he said he was just fine. He would call his mom.

[There is a message in that for all of us: Call your mother.]

10:33 p.m. - A caller from the 12000 block of Slate Creek Road reported multiple vehicles with multiple men who were acting oddly. The caller thought the men may have been trying to steal firewood. A deputy responded, and the incident appeared to be a traffic collision.

[Traffic accident, criminal conspiracy... they look so much alike.]

1:36 a.m. - A caller reported a large party at a residence at Highway 174 and Somerset Drive. Underage drinking reportedly was involved. The caller wanted to remain anonymous. The caller was not at the party but read about it on MySpace.

[Yes, thanks, very helpful.... surfing MySpace at 1:30 in the morning.]

3:35 p.m. - A caller from the hospital on the 100 block of Glasson Way reported a person was out of control in the emergency room. Police contacted the caller and advised mental health and emergency room staff that unless the patient becomes combative, it is not a law enforcement issue.

[We have certain criteria that must be met before we can taze somebody.]

8:48 p.m. - A caller from the hospital on the 100 block of Glasson Way reported a mental health patient was becoming extremely combative and medical staff needed police assistance. Police responded and remained on scene while the patient underwent a mental health evaluation.

[And that criteria has now been met. Okay, it didn't say they used the tazer, but I like to think that they did.]

11:46 a.m. - A caller from the 11000 block of Alpine Lane reported a man who looked like "Barney Fife" with a thin black mustache attempted to burglarize a home. The front door was kicked in, but his entry was blocked by items behind the door. Police were on the lookout for the man.

[Any time the name "Barney Fife" appears in the police blotter is just pure gold. Barney Fife with a thin black mustache. I think we all have that mental picture now.]

7:06 p.m. - A caller from a business on the 100 block of Neal Street reported a man with long brown hair and facial hair took Early Times whiskey. The man was caught on video. Police took a report for shoplifting.

9:47 p.m. - A caller from a business on the 100 block of Neal Street reported the same man who took whiskey returned to the store and stole more alcohol. He was last seen five minutes before the call. Police contacted a 31-year-old man and cited him on suspicion shoplifting and violating probation.

[And you thought the whole "returning to the scene of the crime" thing was a cliche.]

12:08 p.m. - A caller from the 900 block of Helling Way reported a man was screaming and fighting everyone. Police responded and the man was moving along.

[I like the idea of "fighting everyone."]

9:03 a.m. - A caller from Sierra College Drive reported a young man wearing white pants was exposing himself. Police contacted the man and gave him a ride to East Main Street. The man was not exposing himself.

[It was just the position of the sun that gave that impression.]

7 p.m. - A caller from West Main Street reported about 20 youths were raising their voices and appeared to be getting ready to fight. Police determined the group was practicing for upcoming Cornish Christmas.

[Not being familiar with how Christmas goes in Cornwall, I cannot tell if somebody should be deeply insulted or not.]

9:51 a.m. - A caller from the 10000 block of Shadow Hill Drive reported a neighbor threatened to shoot any person or vehicle entering his property. A deputy responded and determined the threat was not criminal. The deputy advised both neighbors that they should consider getting restraining orders and refrain from "taking the law into their own hands."

[They were also admonished to "get some perspective."]

10:42 a.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Neal Street reported seeing a bleached-blonde woman with a boy haircut in a red Mustang steal a registration tag off a tan car in the parking lot. Police were unable to locate the woman.

[If anybody else thought of "A bleach-blonde, in a red convertible, on the planet Schwartz," leave a comment. She no doubt drove off with Captain Jerk.]

12:10 p.m. - A caller from Main Street reported a man was selling candy, and when he was asked to leave, he became verbally abusive.

[Because that is the kind of person who succeeds in the cutthroat business of candy sales these days.]

12:32 p.m. - A woman called from the 10000 block of Mercury Drive to report she felt threatened by a neighbor because he was yelling at her while holding a large metal pipe. The man said he made no aggressive gestures toward the woman. He said he was concerned about speeders in the area. A deputy advised the man not to make gestures at, yell at or contact the woman.

[And stop going around with a large metal pipe in your hand.]

4:16 p.m. - A woman from the 100 block of Mallard Drive reported a man with an Indian accent called and said he was an FBI agent and he was going to arrest her for dealing cocaine. Police contacted the woman and determined no crime had occurred.

[I think this was part of Bob Newhart's stand-up routine at one point.]

4:17 p.m. - A woman called from the 11000 block of Sunset Place to report a man was inside her house. He said he was from a bank, and he was changing the locks. The woman locked herself in the bedroom. A deputy mediated the situation.

[Mediated? Does this imply that the bank does, in fact, employ a roving locksmith?]

12:19 p.m. - A caller from the 12000 block of Loma Rica Drive reported two men with bald heads were going in and out of the bushes, taking off their clothes. Deputies determined the men were waiting for the bus with their shirts off.

[The local transit system having dropped the "No shoes, no shirt, no ride" policy.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)