Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XCVIX

1:03 a.m. - A man called from the 1000 block of East Main Street and reported a rape, murder and possible cannibalism in Sacramento County. The man said he had taken medication and he did not want officers to respond. The man, who sounded drunk, called back again. Police contacted the man and referred him to Sacramento County authorities.

[Possible cannibalism in Sacramento?! Well, it is the state capital and all.]

10:18 p.m. - A woman called to report she was solicited for donations for the Nevada City Fire Department. A deputy took a report.

[And who are you going to call when the Police Officers Association is looking for donations?]

10:20 a.m. - A woman in the police station lobby was asking for a shower. An officer referred her to Hospitality House.

[Well, if it anything like Fire Station #1 in San Jose, they probably have very nice showering facilities.]

8:56 a.m. - A woman reported her neighbor on the 12000 block of Polaris Drive was stealing water from her NID connection. A deputy took a report for malicious injury to a reservoir.

[Phrase of the day, "malicious injury to a reservoir."]

5:04 p.m. Sunday ­ A man called from Beyers Lane to report his son saw a yellow object fall from the sky. His son thought it might have been a plane, but he wasn’t sure. Deputies would not respond unless there was more information or additional callers. There were no additional reports of a yellow object falling from the sky.

[The deputies are wising up.]

6:42 p.m. - A caller from a school on the 11000 block of Ridge Road reported a balding man with a dog was exposing himself in front of students. A deputy took a report and advised the man about trespassing.

[Somehow I do not think that trespassing was the key issue here.]

8:33 a.m. - A woman called from the 13000 block of Ridge Road to report the possible theft of Christmas decorations. She said she saw some reindeer that looked like hers in her neighbor's backyard. A deputy determined the claim was unfounded.

[The neighbors just have the same crappy reindeer that you do. Yet I can picture the woman fretting over the thought that those were HER reindeer.]

8:49 a.m. - A caller from a business on the 11000 block of Squirrel Creek Road reported a man took travel-size containers of vodka. Another caller reported the man was darting in and out of bushes near a school. Deputies arrested the man on suspicion of theft.

[The visual images that some words bring up can never meet the reality. When you tap loudly on their tank, tiny fish will dart. A guy with a few mini-bottles of vodka in him, he does not dart.]

1:57 a.m. - A caller from Main Street reported a man on the ground surrounded by several people standing around him.

[Great moments in redundant phraseology.]

12:07 p.m. - A man called from the 100 block of Conaway Avenue to report he signed a loan agreement with an out-of-state company and he sent them his payment and other charges in advance, but he has not received the initial loan amount. Police took a report.

[Were they based in Nigeria?]

5:52 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Joerschke Drive reported a woman in her late 20s was cutting flowers. The caller said the woman claimed she is the gardener, however, she is not. Police checked the area and were unable to locate the woman.

[Impersination of a gardener.]

12:30 p.m. ­ A caller from the 11000 block of Pleasant Valley Road reported theft of car keys from an unlocked vehicle. A deputy contacted the caller, who was unsure if the keys were lost or stolen.

[A new low, theft of keys from an unlocked car... unless, of course, they're just lost.]

1:35 p.m. - A man called from the 18000 block of Larsen Road to report his son left home last night without permission, and he had returned. The caller wanted his son cited. A deputy cited the juvenile on suspicion of habitual disobedience or truancy.

[Habitual disobedience is some sort of crime? I have GOT to look into that!]

1:32 p.m. ­ The San Francisco Police Department transferred a call from a woman who told dispatchers she lives in Grass Valley, and she had a gun to her head. The woman hung up before Grass Valley dispatchers could talk to her. It was unknown where the woman lived. Patrol officers were advised of the call.

[She was from Grass Valley, so the SFPD transferred her? But then it seems nobody knew where she actually was at the moment, though if her 911 call was routed to SF, then she probably wasn't in Nevada County.]

11:28 p.m. - Several callers reported seeing strange lights in the sky. Police determined it was lightning.

[Again, no UFOs.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)