Friday, May 30, 2008

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CI

6:38 p.m. - A woman called from the 200 block of Mill Street to report her neighbor's Chihuahua bit her shoe. The woman was told to contact Animal Control.

[What was the damage to the shoe?]

7:53 p.m. - A woman called from the 100 block of Townsend Street to report her husband was not allowing her to leave with their children. It sounded as if the two were fighting, then the line went dead. Police arrested the 33-year-old man on suspicion of destroying or removing a wireless communication device.

[We have stepped into the modern age and beyond merely damaging telephone equipment.]

2:24 a.m. - A caller from the 600 block of Walsh Street reported a woman was screaming about money. Police contacted a drunk woman inside her home. Police told the woman to stay inside and to keep it down.

[Pipe down lady, we've all got our own troubles.]

8:36 p.m. - A woman called from the 800 block of Freeman Lane to report cars were racing three abreast on Freeman Lane. The woman called back to say a juvenile just vomited in front of her residence. Police checked the area extensively and were unable to locate the juvenile or drivers.

[Or the vomit?]

7:23 a.m. - A man called from the 23000 block of St. Helena Drive to report his dog brought home what appeared to be a crack pipe. The caller would dispose of the item.

[When animals do drugs....]

8:26 p.m. - A caller from the 200 block of Sutton Way reported hearing a man making "animal like" sounds behind a business. Police arrested the 43-year-old man on suspicion of inhaling chemicals for the purpose of intoxication.

[Like an animal doing drugs.]

8:24 p.m. - CHP officers reported seven loose dogs were running in traffic on Highway 49 at Oak Tree Road. An Animal Control officer responded and was unable to corral the dogs. The dogs were causing an extreme traffic hazard, and the officer was not able to get ahold of Animal Control administration to get permission to kill the dogs. The officer would return the following day after contacting administration.

[Another example of the massive amounts of red tape in the bush.]

5:19 p.m. - A caller said liquidation signs were illegally posted on Sutton Way at Brunswick Road and the caller was tired of looking at them. An officer called the person.

[And could you talk the guy across the street into paint his place a nicer color?]

9:49 a.m. - A caller from a convenience store on the 100 block of Hughes Road reported a sign was stolen earlier in the morning.

[One sign...]

11:41 a.m. - A caller from a gas station on the 2000 block of Nevada City Highway reported a sign was stolen. Police took a report for petty theft.

[Two signs...]

1:21 p.m. - A caller from a gas station on the 1000 block of Nevada City Highway reported a sign was stolen. Police took a report for grand theft.

[Three signs... I am going to guess that each of these places was selling gas that had just gone past $4 a gallon.]

12:29 p.m. - A woman called from the 900 block of East Main Street to report her twin sister assaulted her. Police contacted both women and cited one on suspicion of assault.

[No possibility for confusion in this situation!]

8:22 p.m. - A man called from the 11000 block of Tyler Foote Crossing Road to report his granddaughter vandalized his property and bit his wife. A deputy took a report.

[Kids these days.]

2:44 p.m. - A caller from a business on the 100 block of Olympia Park Road reported a man known for inhaling paint fumes just tried to buy paint. A patrol officer was advised.

[What do you have to do to become a known inhaler of paint fumes... well, aside from inhale a lot of paint fumes.]

12:45 a.m. - A caller from a store on the 1000 block of Sutton Way reported a man known for huffing paint fumes was in the store. The man left before police arrived. Police advised the caller to get a restraining order.

[Well, that is the sort of thing you get when you're open all night. I wonder how many other places this guy tried to get paint over the past 10 hours.]

10:52 a.m. - A caller from the 18000 block of Fair Oaks Drive reported activities happening in a residence involving "young males who are wearing the same color clothes." A deputy contacted the caller.

[Activities like what? Team sports?]

7:32 p.m. - A man called from a store on the 1000 block of Sutton Way to report he was urinating behind the business when a man in his 40s came up behind him and scared him. Police checked the area and could not find the man

[Yeah, I was urinating in public when somebody scared me. How does that get called in?]

5:25 p.m. - A caller reported one of his clients with mental health issues was planning to drive a car through a house in Penn Valley with the intention of killing someone. A deputy determined the intended victim did not feel threatened. The person was advised to call 911 if the person came on the property.

[Better put that on speed dial, just in case he is going really fast.]

3:20 p.m. - A male public works employee called from the 400 block of Nimrod Street to report a drunk man was near the playground area at Pioneer Park. The man's pants had fallen down. Police located the 45-year-old man lying in the horseshoe area and arrested him on suspicion of indecent exposure. It did not appear that the man was intentionally exposing himself, police said.

[And to think that I saw it on Nimrod Street.]

5:13 p.m. - A caller from Frontage Road off McKnight Way reported an emu was in the road. Police chased the emu and cornered it until Animal Control responded and took the emu into custody. It was unknown where the emu was from.

[Australia! The zoo! Harrods!]

12:02 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Argall Way reported a man was behind a business huffing paint. Police arrested the 43-year-old man on suspicion of possessing nitrous oxide.

[Well, it sounds like he finally got some sort of fix.]

7:58 p.m. - A caller from the 200 block of Broad Street reported a man who had been sleeping on a bench hit a female in the head. The female said the man also hit all of her friends in the head. No one wanted to file a complaint.

[I am going to guess that these hits were not big, full wind-up, haymakers then.]

Source: The Union (

Friday, May 23, 2008

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. C

4:44 a.m. - A woman called from the hospital emergency room to report she was being refused treatment. The woman wanted an officer to tell the doctors to give her pain medication. The woman was advised that was not something that could be done.

[Police powers do not extend quite that far.]

2:23 p.m. - A woman from the 10000 block of Westhill Drive reported a man was cutting weeds on her property in violation of a restraining order.

[Me, I would be happy at somebody cutting my weeds, but there is obviously a history here.]

6:57 p.m. - A caller reported a bull was loose on Rough and Ready Highway at Highway 20. The CHP would respond. The bull was corralled.

[Makes a change from the cows in the road.]

6:12 p.m. - A man called from the 16000 block of Oscar Drive saying he thought someone had been inside his residence and canceled his vacation booked online. Nothing else in the residence had been disturbed, he said.

[When travel agents go bad? Or how to cover up the fact that you did not hit the "submit" button?]

10:59 a.m. Sunday ­ A man called from the 10000 block of Pekolee Drive to report neighborhood children had been throwing rocks at his goats. The man posted signs in the neighborhood about it and the children left a vulgar message on his answering machine. A deputy contacted the father of the child who allegedly left the message. The father said he had no knowledge of his son making the call.

[Fun times on Pekolee Drive.]

2:51 a.m. today ­ A woman called from the 24000 block of Ridge Top Court to report a large bear was in her goat pen. A deputy contacted the woman, who said the bear had left.

[With or without some goats?]

11:46 p.m. - A caller reported people were lighting batons on fire in the Commercial Street parking lot. Police advised people not to light things on fire.

[Twirlers gone wild.]

11:56 p.m. - A caller reported people were still lighting things on fire. Police stood by as the people gathered their things and left the area.

[Twirlers sent home.]

9:30 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Castlemont Drive reported a person who possibly had mental health issues was ranting about communism.

[Was he ranting for or against?]

2:48 a.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Cypress Hill Drive reported a person was looking into vehicles in the area. Police contacted the person, who was delivering newspapers.

[There is no reason he might not have a petty theft hobby. All those unlocked cars in Nevada County.]

10:01 p.m. - A man from the 10000 block of Wolf Road reported he had been drinking and he needed to turn himself in on a local warrant. Deputies arrested the man.

[See what happens when you drink?]

9:09 p.m. - A caller from Bennett Street reported two men were driving around the neighborhood selling meat. An officer was advised.

[More meat salesmen "on the hoof" as it were.]

6:30 p.m. - A caller from the 11000 block of Squirrel Creek Road reported a girl was acting "odd" and she may have been a runaway. A deputy arrested the juvenile on suspicion of truancy.

[Was she supposed to be in class at 6:30pm?]

10:13 a.m. - A caller reported that a man with a backpack was lighting incense and waving it around on Church Street. Police could not find the man.

[Could they tell where he had been by the scent?]

10:42 a.m. - A caller said vandals smeared peanut butter on her property at Pleasant Hill Road and suspects it might be a neighbor.

[Something else that has to have a history. I just want to know where on her property the peanut butter was spread.]

12:47 a.m. - A caller reported that four juveniles wearing white shirts and black shorts and other juveniles wearing black clothing were climbing on walls at a business on Plaza Drive. Police made contact with the juveniles who said they were making a "superhero video." They were told to go home.

[At nearly 1am I hope they were at the 17-year old end of the juvenile spectrum.]

1:37 p.m. - A caller complained about skateboarders at a Combie Road business. The skateboarders were warned and told to leave.

[Skateboarding gets you a yellow card?]

5:25 p.m. - A caller said she left her home after getting into a fight with a male during a children's birthday party at a home on Combie Road.

[When kid's parties turn ugly.]

Source: The Union (

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Truncated Headline of the Day

Confirmed: Ted Kennedy has a brain!

Judging from the associated picture, the news is being greeted with much enthusiasm.

Good of Obama to be there in Ted's moment of triumph.

Nice work there Yahoo!

Friday, May 16, 2008

Chow Mein Quick Meal

Now with artificial beef! Truly the best of all possible meals.

Read about it here.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XCVIX

1:03 a.m. - A man called from the 1000 block of East Main Street and reported a rape, murder and possible cannibalism in Sacramento County. The man said he had taken medication and he did not want officers to respond. The man, who sounded drunk, called back again. Police contacted the man and referred him to Sacramento County authorities.

[Possible cannibalism in Sacramento?! Well, it is the state capital and all.]

10:18 p.m. - A woman called to report she was solicited for donations for the Nevada City Fire Department. A deputy took a report.

[And who are you going to call when the Police Officers Association is looking for donations?]

10:20 a.m. - A woman in the police station lobby was asking for a shower. An officer referred her to Hospitality House.

[Well, if it anything like Fire Station #1 in San Jose, they probably have very nice showering facilities.]

8:56 a.m. - A woman reported her neighbor on the 12000 block of Polaris Drive was stealing water from her NID connection. A deputy took a report for malicious injury to a reservoir.

[Phrase of the day, "malicious injury to a reservoir."]

5:04 p.m. Sunday ­ A man called from Beyers Lane to report his son saw a yellow object fall from the sky. His son thought it might have been a plane, but he wasn’t sure. Deputies would not respond unless there was more information or additional callers. There were no additional reports of a yellow object falling from the sky.

[The deputies are wising up.]

6:42 p.m. - A caller from a school on the 11000 block of Ridge Road reported a balding man with a dog was exposing himself in front of students. A deputy took a report and advised the man about trespassing.

[Somehow I do not think that trespassing was the key issue here.]

8:33 a.m. - A woman called from the 13000 block of Ridge Road to report the possible theft of Christmas decorations. She said she saw some reindeer that looked like hers in her neighbor's backyard. A deputy determined the claim was unfounded.

[The neighbors just have the same crappy reindeer that you do. Yet I can picture the woman fretting over the thought that those were HER reindeer.]

8:49 a.m. - A caller from a business on the 11000 block of Squirrel Creek Road reported a man took travel-size containers of vodka. Another caller reported the man was darting in and out of bushes near a school. Deputies arrested the man on suspicion of theft.

[The visual images that some words bring up can never meet the reality. When you tap loudly on their tank, tiny fish will dart. A guy with a few mini-bottles of vodka in him, he does not dart.]

1:57 a.m. - A caller from Main Street reported a man on the ground surrounded by several people standing around him.

[Great moments in redundant phraseology.]

12:07 p.m. - A man called from the 100 block of Conaway Avenue to report he signed a loan agreement with an out-of-state company and he sent them his payment and other charges in advance, but he has not received the initial loan amount. Police took a report.

[Were they based in Nigeria?]

5:52 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Joerschke Drive reported a woman in her late 20s was cutting flowers. The caller said the woman claimed she is the gardener, however, she is not. Police checked the area and were unable to locate the woman.

[Impersination of a gardener.]

12:30 p.m. ­ A caller from the 11000 block of Pleasant Valley Road reported theft of car keys from an unlocked vehicle. A deputy contacted the caller, who was unsure if the keys were lost or stolen.

[A new low, theft of keys from an unlocked car... unless, of course, they're just lost.]

1:35 p.m. - A man called from the 18000 block of Larsen Road to report his son left home last night without permission, and he had returned. The caller wanted his son cited. A deputy cited the juvenile on suspicion of habitual disobedience or truancy.

[Habitual disobedience is some sort of crime? I have GOT to look into that!]

1:32 p.m. ­ The San Francisco Police Department transferred a call from a woman who told dispatchers she lives in Grass Valley, and she had a gun to her head. The woman hung up before Grass Valley dispatchers could talk to her. It was unknown where the woman lived. Patrol officers were advised of the call.

[She was from Grass Valley, so the SFPD transferred her? But then it seems nobody knew where she actually was at the moment, though if her 911 call was routed to SF, then she probably wasn't in Nevada County.]

11:28 p.m. - Several callers reported seeing strange lights in the sky. Police determined it was lightning.

[Again, no UFOs.]

Source: The Union (

Monday, May 05, 2008

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XCVIII

1:43 p.m. - A woman from the 200 block of Fairmont Drive reported fraud. A person claiming to be with PG&E left her a message telling her to send a key to her house. An officer contacted the woman and would follow up.

[Just mail us a key, please. I wonder how often that works?]

3:06 p.m. - A caller reported 75 people were coming into town Wednesday for an event at Condon Park that was canceled because to park is closed due to vandalism. The people do not know the park is closed. The event was supposed to be from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. An officer would follow up.

[We're going to need a bigger sign.]

3:35 p.m. - A caller reported hearing a "fully-automatic machine gun" being fired for the last 20 minutes in the Greenhorn Creek area. Deputies admonished people for trespassing.

[No machine guns?]

9:34 a.m. - A woman from Zion Street reported a boyfriend dumped garbage all over the house the previous night, and he keeps mercury in the freezer. The boyfriend ingests the mercury daily because he believes he is a yogi and will save the world from destruction. The caller said there are no weapons in the house. An officer contacted the caller.

[The garbage thing doesn't sound very yogi-esque, unless we're talking Yogi the Bear.]

6:30 p.m. - A woman called from the 12000 block of Burma Road to report her husband's father was at her house yelling at her because his son was in jail for domestic violence. The woman wanted the father-in-law to leave. A deputy separated the two. No crime was committed.
[The Acorns doesn't fall far from the tree and all that I guess.]

9:56 a.m. - A screaming caller from 11300 block of Torrey Pines Drive reported a subject was refusing to let him leave the home with his dog. The caller then refused to answer any questions and hung up.

[What is a dispatcher to do?]

2:21 a.m. - John B. Newton, Jr., of Nevada City, was arrested for driving under the influence and having a concealed dagger. Bail was set at $11,316.

[Not just a knife, but a dagger!]

4:28 a.m. - A caller from the 18700 block of Meadowlark Court reported that when she awoke, she found knives in her couches

[If they had been daggers, I would have pointed her at John B. Newton, Jr.]

12:42 p.m. - A man calling from the 14100 block of Mount Auburn Circle said he woke up about 45 minutes ago with a strange woman in his bed. The caller said he was intoxicated and has no idea how the woman got into his residence. He said he had been drinking for the past day and doesn't exactly now how much he has had to drink. He then stated there were multiple people in the house, including some very strong transsexuals. Responding deputies found nothing and will refer the case to the man's son.

[Very strong transsexuals? Strong in what sense?]

2:31 a.m. - A caller from Francis Drive reported hearing screaming, yelling, banging and possibly even gunfire in the area. Responding officers discovered a juvenile party.

[It was either that or the track meet got a very early start.]

3:45 a.m. - A caller from a Nevada City Highway business reported a man at a business parking lot got out of a vehicle with no pants on, got into the back and put a pair of knit shorts on. The man told responding officers he was unaware anyone was watching him.

[No field sobriety test administered? What, was he a Kennedy?]

11:11 a.m. - Police contacted a 54-year-old man lying in a ditch on East Main Street. Police called an ambulance for the man and took a report for possession of a weapon not immediately recognizable as a firearm.

[A knife is a weapon not immediately recognizable as a gun, but I imagine they meant a firearm of some sort. Did he have some sort of CIA spy weapon?]

8:27 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Brentwood reported that one of her roommate's children threw her cell phone over a fence.

[And what were the police to do? Put the children in time out?]

6:03 p.m. - A caller from the 200 block of North School Street reported a squirrel was running around and around in circles for over an hour. The caller was worried the squirrel might be rabid. An Animal Control officer advised police it is breeding season for squirrels, which would explain the behavior.

[Running around in circles never helped me during the breeding season.]

9:39 a.m. - A deputy stopped a vehicle on Highway 49 at John Barleycorn Road and arrested a person on suspicion of possession of a weapon not immediately recognizable as a gun and driving with a suspended license.

[More weapons not immediately recognizable as guns. Is this something new from The sharper Image?]

11:39 a.m. - A woman called to report her truck caught fire in the Pelton Mine parking lot. Two men flagged her down and put the fire out for her. They offered to fix the electrical problem, but told her they would need $500 first. They fixed the problem and told the woman they needed $300 more. An officer would contact the men.

[They must have been general contractors... or Nigerians.]

4:16 p.m. - A caller from the 200 block of North Church Street reported that while he tried to work on the property, his tenant threatened him. Police went to the apartment and located a large amount of marijuana. Police took a report. No arrest was made.

[Police took a report? Now we at least know why the tenant was agitated.]

11:46 a.m. - A caller from a school on the 11000 block of Colfax Highway reported feces were outside the bathroom door.

[Wouldn't this be something for the janitor?]

1:18 p.m. - Deputies were looking for a man with brown hair and green eyes, driving a green Toyota Rav 4. The man was off his medication and delusional. He believes the devil is coming and there will be a battle for control. The man had been frequenting a business in Roseville, and the employees were afraid his behavior might escalate to violence. The man is known to frequent the Grass Valley area.

[Where he seems to fit right in.]

Source: The Union (