Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXXXV

10:18 a.m., a caller from a liquor store reported a skinny man with long hair was sniffing gold paint. Police arrested the man on suspicion of probation violation and possession of a toxic substance with the intent to inhale for intoxication.

[FARK fans only, you know what picture I have in my mind right now, don't you?]

At 1:38 p.m., a caller from the 12000 block of Enterprise Mine Road reported the theft of 500 pounds of petrified wood.

[It is decorative I suppose.]

At 11:26 a.m., a caller from Condon Park reported a person wearing a blue jacket near the 14th hole of a disc-golf course was throwing golf clubs and saying he didn't want to live anymore. Police checked the area and were unable to locate the person.

[Pretty much my feeling after golfing most days. But what was he doing with clubs on a disc-gold course?]

At 2:41 p.m., a caller from Dolores Drive near Alta Street reported people in three or four vehicles parked on the grass were shooting off fireworks. Police checked the area and were unable to locate the vehicles, people or fireworks.

[The grass, however, was right where the caller said it was.]

At 12:44 p.m., a caller from the 11000 block of Newtown Road reported a neighbor was beating up his son, who had been videotaping people setting off fireworks. Deputies responded and discovered no physical violence had taken place. The neighbor stated he and his son were playing with snap caps on their porch and the neighbor came to the fence line with a camera and started yelling obscenities at him.

[More for neighbor relations.]

At 2:08 p.m., a caller from the 10000 block of Combie Road reported the theft of a Nubian goat, valued at $450. There was no evidence of theft or predation.

[How often does a Nubian goat make it into the blotter?]

At 6:24 p.m., a woman in the police lobby reported a pizza was delivered to her apartment on the 100 block of West Berryhill Drive but she did not order it and the delivery person had all of her information.

[And so she called the police because it was, you know, weird.]

At 7:31 p.m., a man called from the 100 block of West Berryhill Drive to report a woman hit and scratched him while he was trying to leave in his vehicle. The man was advised to go to the police station so police could get pictures of the injuries and take a report. The man said he would think about filing a report. By 10:30 p.m., the man still had not arrived at the station.

[Great moments in apathy!]

At 8:39 p.m., a caller from the 700 block of Zion Street reported a person in front of a grocery store was bothering customers about buying spray paint. Police contacted the man and he would be moving on.

[Again, FARK readers....]

At 12:55 a.m., a caller from the 100 block of Mainhart Drive reported children were sledding down the middle of the road.

[When you live some place where it does not snow regularly....]

At 1:39 a.m., a caller from the 300 block of North Church Street reported a person was throwing snowballs. Police contacted five people who were having a snowball fight.

[Scoff laws and ragamuffins!]

At 6:20 p.m., a woman called from the 10000 block of Barde Court to report juveniles were throwing snowballs at her residence and refusing to stop. She was very irate and demanded a deputy respond. The woman was advised that the deputy could not make it for a while due to traffic hazards.

[Did you notice that it was snowing?]

At 11:50 a.m., a caller from the 11000 block of Highway 174 reported children were throwing snowballs at passing cars.

[It is a snow-based crime spree!]

At 9:41 a.m., a woman from the 200 block of Sutton Way reported her son was pelted by snowballs and was verbally assaulted by a teen neighbor.

[Society is coming unglued.]

At 11:57 a.m., a man came into the police station to talk to an officer about abuse in general.

[He then moved on to the state of the novel in 21st century literature.]

At 12:06 p.m., a woman reported two juveniles threw snowballs at her vehicle on Sutton Way.

[It just goes on and on.]

At 12:46 p.m., an officer contacted two juveniles on Sutton Way and counseled them on the dangers of throwing snowballs.

[Ah, the heavy hand of the law comes down on the snow criminals!]

At 3:20 p.m., a caller from the 200 block of Arcadia Drive reported juveniles were shouting obscenities and throwing snowballs from a roof. An officer contacted the juveniles, who would be conducting indoor activities.

[Go back inside and play video games already!]

At 8:54 p.m., a caller from the 300 block of Pleasant Street reported hearing a single gunshot. The caller was unsure of where the sound came from. Police contacted tenants in a nearby apartment who had a very large sound system and were watching a movie that had a loud explosion. Police also contacted juveniles who were throwing snowballs at cars. It was unknown if the juveniles or movie caused the sound.

[Good home theater or snowballs, you make the call!]

At 4:52 p.m., a caller from the 11000 block of Ridge Road requested a deputy respond for three juveniles who set up a ski jump by the wrestling gym at Nevada Union. They left at a high rate of speed in a white vehicle. A deputy located the jump. There was no damage. The deputy was unable to locate the caller.

[No snowballs were found at the scene.]

At 6:55 p.m., a woman called from the 14000 block of Anchor Lane to report a person had a paycheck that belonged to her and the person was refusing to give it her or her mother-in-law unless she returned the person's pajama pants.

[The solution seems clear enough to me.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)