Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXXIII

4:16 p.m. - A caller from a business on the 100 block of Neal Street reported a woman stole a dryer and a desk.

[She should be easy to spot, what with dry hair and a desk in tow.]

12:04 a.m. - A man called from North Church Street to report hearing a lot of gunfire in the area. A dispatcher reminded the man it was midnight, and he said he forgot it was New Year's. Patrol officers were advised of the gunfire.

[Probably did like us and celebrated a "New York New Year's Eve" then went to bed early.]

Between Noon and 5:30 p.m., Grass Valley police attempted to serve seven local arrest warrants. Of those seven attempts, police arrested four people for local warrants.

[Nice New Year's Day tactic, but if they were serious, they would have been banging on doors at 5am. I got one of those knocks once. The police had the wrong address, but didn't figure it out until they had made asses of themselves.]

8:19 p.m. - A driver who had been previously stopped by an officer returned to the officer and had "more words" for him. The driver left again.

[I bet he didn't get an apology either.]

12:50 p.m. A woman called from Jackass Flats Road to report her landlord ran her off his property with a shotgun earlier in the day. A deputy took a report.

[Merely listed because I am sure there is a street sign that gets stolen once in a while.]

5:42 p.m. - A caller who lives on Big Blue Road by a gun club reported hearing 20 shots so far. The caller did not want to be disturbed. A deputy was advised.

[Guns? At the gun club?]

9:19 a.m. - A caller from Wendy Circle reported a 60-year-old man fell and couldn't get up. Paramedics arrived, and the man was combative. Police arrested the man on suspicion of public drunkenness.

[I've been drinking and I can't get up!]

3:13 p.m. - A woman called from the 21000 block of Oxnard Court to report a man threatened to kill her if she didn't love him. She said she gave the man money for a vehicle she never received. A deputy advised the woman of the restraining order process.

[There has to be a serious back-story here.]

1:35 a.m. - A woman called 911 from the 13000 block of Hidden Valley Road. She said she was having a nightmare. She said there was no emergency and she would call back if she needed medical attention.

[Or a hug and a glass of warm milk.]

9:38 p.m. - A caller from the 18000 block of Spring Valley Drive reported a woman in a white Isuzu Trooper went to the caller's door and told her there is a sniper in the area. She also said to watch out for radiation, and she wanted to know where a safe house is. She said she lived at Rollins Lake. The woman was gone by the time a deputy arrived.

[Delusions delivered straight to your door!]

11:11 a.m. - A man called from the 14000 block of North Bloomfield Road to report someone hooked a chain to his mailbox and dragged it down the street.

[Everybody has to have a hobby.]

1:48 p.m. - A man called 911 from the 12000 block of Shady Lane to ask the time. The time was provided.

[See, AT&T turned off the "Time Lady" and now people call 911.]

8:14 p.m. - A man in the police station lobby reported he was hit by a white Acura driven by a woman while he was crossing Mill Street at East Main Street. He said he was in a crosswalk. While police were talking to the man, the woman entered the lobby and said she did not see him. She offered to take the man to the hospital. The man said the woman needed to get her eyes checked. He declined medical attention and walked out.

[The therapeutic value of a rejoinder!]

4:43 a.m. - Police contacted a 48-year-old man at the back gate of the police station and arrested him on suspicion of being under the influence of a controlled substance.

[Convienient for the police.]

11:15 a.m. - A caller reported a 5- or 6-year-old child was shoveling snow on Idaho Maryland Road near Banner Ridge Lava Cap Road. The caller was concerned the child would be hit if he didn't get off the roadway. A deputy checked the area and contacted two adult "little people." All was fine.

["Little people" get snowed in too. They don't all live in Hollywood waiting for a remake of "The Wizard of Oz."]

1:02 p.m. - A man called from the 13000 block of Ridge Road to report conspiracy theories. He said he just moved from South Carolina and he believed he was being stalked by some people from Georgia. He believed his brakes had been tampered with, and someone left a cell phone under a mangrove tree.

[Welcome to Grass Valley!]

6:32 p.m. - A caller asked that a deputy check on a man who lives on the 19000 block of Greenhorn Creek. He was supposed to pick up his girlfriend at work three hours ago. He never showed up. Deputies checked the house, and the man was not there. The man's mother reported him as a missing person. She said he possibly went four-wheeling in the Greenhorn Creek area in a dark blue vehicle. The deputies then located the man, and he was fine.

[Somebody had better start shopping for Valentine's Day muy pronto!]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)