Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXXV

9:37 p.m. - A woman called from a business on Dorsey Drive to report a man was masturbating as she drove up to clean the business. He continued to have his hands in his pants and was playing with himself. Police determined the woman did not actually see the 21-year-old man playing with himself. She said his hands were in his pants while he was sitting down and she believed he was acting inappropriately. No arrest was made.

[There is a fine line between slacking off and jacking off it would seem.]

2:35 a.m. - A man called from the 15000 block of Beeman Lane to report his wife was missing and a 5-year-old girl he didn't know was sleeping in his chair. Officers determined the caller had been drinking. There was no little girl at the residence. The man would wait a while until possibly filing a missing-persons report for his wife. She was not at the hospital. Deputies checked the area and were unable to locate her.

[Presumably the man would wait until he sobered up to file the papers, at which point he might actually remember where his wife went.]

8:29 a.m. - A man from the 800 block of Old Tunnel Road reported a man fraudulently took his blue 1990 Ford Taurus. The caller said the man gave him a $3,100 certificate of deposit in exchange for the car, and the bank told the caller the CD was fake. Police contacted the caller and looked at the bank statement, which showed the caller received proper funds. There was no crime.

[The perils of complex financial transactions.]

8:15 p.m. - A woman from the 16000 block of Bush Road reported three men in a moving van were stuck in the mud on her property. The men were acting suspiciously and would not get out of the vehicle. A deputy responded and called a tow truck to get the van out of the mud. The tow truck driver called back later to report the landowner was shooting a firearm in the air and telling him not to move another inch. A deputy returned and took a report.

[Well, given the land owners later behavior, I think the men in the van were probably wise to stay in the vehicle.]

9:50 a.m. - A woman called to report she left her cell phone at a business on the 200 block of South Church Street, and it was stolen by an unknown man. She said the man was harassing her by charging things to her telephone and posting her pictures on the Internet. Police took a report for petty theft.

[You would think that this would make the person easy to track down.]

11:28 a.m. – A woman called from the 10000 block of Lime Kiln Road to report her dog locked himself inside her vehicle with the keys inside. A dispatcher advised the woman to call a tow company for assistance.

[But the dog will change all my radio station pre-sets!]

12:11 p.m. ­ A caller from the 400 block of Jordan Street reported hearing a creaking sound, possibly a cupboard opening or a chair. Police contacted the caller and all was fine.

[They checked under the bed as well, and everything was okay.]

9:26 a.m. - A caller from a business on Nevada City Highway reported a man wearing a poncho, blue jeans and carrying a blue bag, possibly in his 50s and traveling with a dog, was on a street corner making gestures to people. Police made contact with the man and determined he was not drunk.

[Glad to see somebody is fighting the trend towards drunkenness in the morning. And the caller did not say they were rude gestures, just gestures. He could have been giving everybody two thumbs up.]

4:34 a.m. - An officer investigated possible vandalism of a 1969 Dodge truck on Butler Street and found what appeared to be Silly String.

[I did not know they still sold Silly String. Now, was this the real deal, or just some toxic knock off, made in China?]

11:51 a.m. - A caller from the 300 block of Broad Street reported an individual dancing like a robot in a parking lot. Police were unable to locate the dancer.

[The Shields and Yarnell amendment to the 1995 Omnibus Budget act specifically prohibits this sort of thing.]

6:14 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Neal Street reported five to six juveniles were snowboarding. Police were unable to locate the snowboarders.

[Oh no! Snowboards!]

9:49 a.m. - A caller from Ridge Road reported a county bus spun out and was blocking the roadway. The CHP was "aware of the mess."

[They did not mention when somebody would be "cleaning up the mess" however.]

4:42 p.m. - A caller from the 10000 block of Lincoln Way reported a residence was burglarized sometime during the day. No weapons were taken. A deputy took a report.

[But now we all know which house on Lincoln Way has a cache of weapons.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)