Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXXVI

12:54 a.m. - A caller from Colfax Avenue reported seeing something on fire. There "fire" was steam coming off the pool at Veterans Memorial Park.

[Where there is smoke, there may be fire, but where there is steam.... On the other hand, I bet somebody on the scene started at least humming, "Smoke on the Water."]

11:42 a.m. - a caller reported juveniles were building snowmen on Ridge Road near Zion Street. An officer was unable to locate the juveniles

[They might be created an army to enslave us all!]

12:49 p.m. - A caller from Valley View Drive at Banner Lava Cap Road reported a bald man in his 20s was grabbing at vehicles. Police were unable to locate the man.

[Vehicular harassment?]

9:05 a.m. - A caller from a business the 12000 block of Highway 49 reported a man wearing a white camouflage winter outfit walked into the business and started a fight. He then went across the street to a concrete pumping station and told people he needed help getting his truck back. The man returned to the business and stole the owner's dog. The owner was chasing after the man. Police arrested the man on suspicion of grand theft and making threats.

[He was on a roll there.]

9:34 a.m. - A woman called from the 16000 block of Greenhorn Road to report another woman attacked her and was making false statements about her behavior. The fight between roommates was about a note left regarding a phone call. There was a gun located above the refrigerator. The caller said she would go to her room and wait for deputies to respond. A deputy took a report for battery.

[A phone message started it all.]

1:31 p.m. - A man called from the 17000 block of Jackass Flats Road to report the landlady was pounding on his door and yelling at him. A deputy contacted the man and the landlady and told the landlady she cannot turn off the power or gas again or she would be subject to arrest.

[Why do I picture the landlady in her bathrobe, hair up in curlers, screeching at this guy through the door?]

2:46 p.m. - A man called from the 17000 block of Jackass Flats Road to report the landlady turned off his power again at was at his door screaming. A deputy arrived and would stay in the area until the landlady's husband returned.

[But why wasn't she arrested?]

10:31 a.m. - A 38-year-old man from Kendall Street reported he was assaulted by seven family members and another man with a baseball bat six days ago. The combat was mutual and the man only wanted a log entry of the incident.

[And alcohol was involved, no doubt.]

10:30 a.m. - A caller from a business on the 100 block of Bank Street reported two people went into a hotel, took some complimentary breakfast and were drinking under an overpass. Police advised the men not to return to the business.

[When we said "complimentary," we didn't mean for just anybody.]

11:01 p.m. - A caller from a bar on Mill Street reported a drunken man was leaving the bar and was headed to another one. Police arrested the 54-year-old man for a local warrant.

[An odd reason to call, but I guess there might have other reasons.]

4:25 p.m. - A caller from a home on the 300 block of Nile Street reported an unwanted male was on the front porch. Police contacted the caller, and the man was gone when they arrived.

["An unwanted male?" I thought for a moment that somebody left a puppy on the porch.]

4:59 p.m. - A man called from the 1000 block of East Main Street to report an assault the day before. He said someone threw a snowball at him, but he did not know who did it.

[The snow related crime-spree spreads! Snowmen! Snowballs! Where will it end?]

6:43 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of East Main Street reported a man with a beard was masturbating. Police arrested the 58-year-old man on suspicion of indecent exposure, public drunkenness and violating probation.

[Aside from the probation reference, which means this probably wasn't his first time waving his willy for all to see, do I have to point out the fact that it is snowing in Nevada County? This must have been a very chilly experience for him as well.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)