Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CVII

12:04 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of South Auburn Street reported someone misusing the caller's credit card.

[It sounds like they were scanning it upside down.]

12:34 p.m. - A caller from the 1200 block of East Main Street reported a man dressed in dark clothing was hiding behind a business

[At half past noon on a Wednesday. Very suspicious!]

9:58 p.m. - A man from the 10000 block of Nishinam Gulch Road reported that his 15-year-old daughter assaulted him with a bottle of hairspray. She then locked herself in the bedroom and was screaming loudly, he said.

[I can hardly wait for the teenage years to come to our home.]

5:05 p.m. - A caller from the 200 block of West Main Street reported inappropriate behavior by what was described as a transvestite with a white wig driving a green Toyota up the street. The man was arrested for indecent exposure and booked into the Nevada County Jail.

[What is going on in Grass Valley on Wednesdays?]

7:58 a.m. - A caller from Vistamont expressed safety concerns for a 10-year-old boy selling pizza door to door.

[Anticipatory pizza delivery?]

8:30 a.m. - A caller from East McKnight reported a man with a pipe who ran through a stop sign in a Honda Civic.

[He was also hatless, repeat, hatless.]

6:05 p.m. - A caller from the 15000 block of Ricky Court reported receiving a call from a man who said he was hired to assassinate the caller.

[What time is good for you? Can I assassinate you before lunch? I have plans in the afternoon.]

3:35 p.m. - A caller from the 10000 block of Goodenough Court reported a subject was in urgent care after being shot in the finger with a BB gun.

[No doubt self-inflicted. Court marshal him.]

3:00 p.m. - A man in the lobby from the 100 block of Murphy Street reported finding several vegetables in his yard, possibly fired from a potato gun. The man said he filed a report because he was afraid his dogs could be injured by future flying produce.

[It is a hazard to both man and man's best friend!]

12:43 a.m. - A vehicle was repossessed on the 100 block of Glenbrook Drive, and the owner was unaware.

[Until they read the blotter this morning... or looked out in their driveway.]

3:15 a.m. - A vehicle on the 100 block of Race Street was repossessed and the owner was aware of it.

[And it didn't make a damn bit of difference, because they both lost their cars. Why is this it the blotter?]

8:59 p.m. - A caller from the 14000 block of Makikuja Drive reported vandalism to a house and theft of household items including the carpet.

[At least they didn't pee on it Dude.]

12:20 p.m. - A traffic stop on Freeman Lane resulted in a man being cited and released for driving a motorized scooter. The scooter was confiscated.

[That deserves at least a Nelson Muntz "Haw-haw!"]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Worst... Spin... Ever!

People make mistakes every day, succumb to passions and desires they know they should resist.

But not everybody was running for president earlier this year nor do they harbor dreams of a vice-presidential glory, such that it is.

Which brings me to this Associated Press wire about John Edwards:

AP - Former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards on Friday admitted to an extramarital affair while his wife was battling cancer. He denied fathering the woman's daughter. Edwards told ABC News that he lied repeatedly about the affair with 42-year-old Rielle Hunter but said that he didn't love her.

The dry nature of this piece does not cut him much slack. Not that he deserves any, but look at what he gets.

• He cheated on his wife.
• He cheated while his wife was suffering from cancer.
• He admits to lying about it previously.
• He denies the allegation that he fathered the other woman's child. (But we know he is a liar and a cheat at this point, so what good did that do other than to draw more attention to the allegation? Merrie Spaeth would say this was an "I am not a bimbo" moment.)
• Oh, and while he slept with this other woman, he doesn't love her or anything. I am sure everybody feels better about that now.

What else could they have added on to make this any worse? Did he call her "mommy," or make her wear his wife's clothing?

I am sure this was timed for today when eyes would be focused on the Olympics, but there it was, the headline on Yahoo!

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CVI

7:06 p.m. - A caller said a man was beating a vehicle with a stick in a downtown parking lot. Arriving officers arrested a youth on suspicion of vandalism and took him to juvenile hall.

[People taking common sayings too far.]

5:56 a.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Alta Street reported her house had been toilet-papered, egged and tomatoed.

[Tomatoed?]

1:49 p.m. - A caller said the traffic light at Brunswick Road and Sutton Way was not cycling properly, and she had been sitting in the turn lane for more than 8 minutes while traffic backed up. Public Works was dispatched to the scene.

[She could be stuck there for days!]

11:05 a.m. - A man from the 10000 block of Maranatha Place reported his aunt had taken his stimulus check and was refusing to give it back to him, saying he owed her money.

[Hey, that check from the government was so you would buy new things, not pay off old things... no disrespect to your aunt.]

3:41 p.m. - A man walked into a business on the 100 block of Catherine Lane and said he was there to fix the air conditioning unit. When a worker checked on the man he was standing naked by the unit. Officers were called, but the man left before they arrived.

[This must be some sort of holistic approach to air conditioner repair.]

9:05 a.m. - A woman from the 14000 block of Torrey Pines Drive reported her husband was threatening to press charges against her.

[I'm not sure that is a crime.]

2:32 p.m.- Penn Valley Post Office reported that a white male had written a bad check to purchase $840 worth of stamps. A report was taken. The suspect is described as in his late 40s, 5-foot-7 with short sandy, blonde hair.

[They took a check for $840 worth of stamps? I suppose they should look for the guy selling below cost stamps at the flea market.]

6:33 p.m. - A caller reported a naked man is walking down Pleasant Valley Road and jumps into the brush whenever vehicles pass him. He is described as white and in his 40s. Officers checked the area but were unable to find him.

[Yeah, well, I'd jump in the brush too. But does he repair air conditioners?]

12:32 a.m. - A caller from School Street reported her roommate is threatening her. She said he made threatening statements in the past, wrote his name in blood on the refrigerator and left to go sleep in the cemetery.

[I'm glad that's all settled!]

11:42 p.m. - A caller reported a 4-year-old child was left alone and standing outside a Grass Valley bar while the two adults responsible argued and took turns going inside the bar.

[While it sounds idiotic, it does not exactly sound like the child was left alone.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CV

2:06 p.m. - A caller from a business on the 19000 block of Highway 174 reported a man and a woman trying to make a purchase using a 1934 $20 bill. They were trying to convince the store owner the bill was worth more than $20 now. The caller requested log entry only.

[Another one for the "Let me know how that works out for you" files.]

5:37 p.m. - A caller from the 15000 block of Brewer Road reported people selling meat out of the back of a truck, probably without a license.

[Giving a bad name to all those legitimate meat salesmen working out of the backs of their trucks! Still, I am mildly disappointed that they were not described as "angry" or at least "aggressive" as in past reports.]

1:31 p.m. - A business on the 12000 block of Nevada City Highway reported receiving a counterfeit $20 bill. Officers determined the bill was simply old and verified its authenticity at a nearby bank.

[A 1934 series bill by any chance? I hear those are worth more than $20.]

4:28 p.m. - A business on the 100 block of East Main Street reported a person came in and left without paying for services. Officers took a report.

[There is nothing amusing here, other than the fact that you have no idea what happened. A person went into a business and left without paying for services. Could have been the batting cages, could have been a brothel.]

3:02 a.m. - A caller reported a road block with traffic cones had been set up on Ridge Road across from Nevada Union High School, and when the caller slowed for it, someone threw fruit at his vehicle. Officers were unable to locate anyone after an extensive search of the area.

[These sorts of things seem really funny at 3am, unless you're the one being pelted with fruit.]

9:18 a.m. - A caller near Chapel and Brighton streets reported loud music coming from an area church. The music was turned down after officers arrived.

[And this was on a Tuesday.]

2:44 p.m. - A woman from the 13000 block of Greenhorn Road reported that her neighbors had broken into her house and were stealing her clothes and hair ties.

[My hair ties! My beautiful hair ties!]

6:10 p.m. - A woman from the 16000 block of Aileen Way reported that her 8-year-old child was throwing a tantrum about cleaning her room. The dispatcher told the woman she should call 911 only for emergencies.

[But we have guests coming over in an hour! It is an emergency!]

9:00 p.m. - A woman from the 14000 block of Torrey Pines Drive reported that she was walking home with her dogs when a pit bull attempted to attack her. The pit bull’s owner then threatened the woman that he'd come after her and told her to get out of the area. The pit bull didn’t bite the woman or her dogs, the woman said.

[See, it's not the dogs, it's the owners.]

6:06 p.m. - A hysterical female on Neal Street was reportedly upset about a past relationship. Her father arrived and took her home.

[We've all been there. Okay, maybe not actually on Neal Street, but in the vicinity.]


10:30 a.m. - A man set up a dredge in Wolf Creek at the Bank Street bridge. Officers told him to move on.

[It's Saturday and I just got this new dredge, I thought I'd just look for gold.]

12:13 a.m. - A suspicious male was overhead shouting in the shadows on the 2300 block of Nevada City Highway.

['Shouting in the Shadows' would be a good name for a band.]

2:20 a.m. - An intoxicated man was reported running into traffic at West Main and Neal streets. Officers located the man and booked him into Wayne Brown Correctional Facility on suspicion of being drunk in public.

[What kind of traffic is there on West Main and Neal at 2 am on a Sunday night?]

10:47 p.m. - A vehicle was repossessed on the 22900 block of Sunset Ridge Drive.

[That isn't a crime, so I'm not sure why it is in the blotter. Maybe it is there to warn the neighbors not to lend money to the person who is suddenly missing a car, as they aren't paying their bills?]

6:21 p.m. - A man with a beard and no clothes was reported walking down Pleasant Valley Road. Deputies were unable to locate the man.

[This is why they put cameras in cell phones, so people will believe you when you tell them this stuff.]

8:17 a.m. - A volunteer vehicle repossession was made on the 11300 block of Alpine Lane.

[Now I'm more confused. Still, signs of a bad economy are everywhere.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

They Also Serve, Who Only Click and Wait

After a week of checking the superior court web site several times a day, the row that included my number finally gave me the message I was waiting for:

Thank you for your services to the court this week. You are excused and will receive a one year exception.

Not that I was even expecting to be called in on a Friday, a day that is generally reserved for motions and administrative functions down at the courthouse. Or, if you believe the local paper, for playing golf.

Either way, I have served on three juries and have never had to be in court on a Friday.

And, if the usual pattern follows, I will get another summons in 7-10 months and will be able to use the one year exemption.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CIV

12:19 p.m. - A business on the 100 block of Mill Street reported three male juveniles came in wanting to sell diamonds. The clerk refused and then called police because the trio seemed suspicious. Officers were unable to locate the juveniles.

[Juvenile diamond sellers? A change from belligerent door-to-door meat salesmen I suppose.]

12:48 a.m. - A woman from the 20000 block of Penn Valley Drive reported that the headlights of her Jeep, which was parked in the driveway, came on and then turned off by themselves. She wanted officers to check it out.

[We'll get right on that.]

12:12 p.m. - A man from the 22000 block of Rambling Oaks Drive reported that someone had entered his house and a file cabinet and a George Foreman grill were missing.

[Somebody else is eating healthier now.]

9:39 a.m. - A man from the 200 block of Dorsey Drive reported his mentally disabled brother was having difficulty breathing due to the smoky air. The person was referred to the California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection.

[And what is the CDF supposed to do for somebody having trouble breathing? "Oh, hey, my brother is coughing a lot, could you put out those fires faster, please?]

4:06 p.m. - A person came into the police department with gun ammunition, which was destroyed.

[Right there in front of them? I'd like to see that!]

12 a.m. - A caller saw a woman in a nightgown or a hospital gown pushing a shopping cart on Dorsey Drive.

[Well, it is hot out, and those gowns are nice and breezy.]

2:34 p.m. - A woman from the 10000 block of Carriage Road reported she recalled she had a restraining order against her husband, whom she had allowed to stay at her residence for the past two years. The woman said she wanted her husband removed from her house. She was told that the police were uncomfortable enforcing an order she had disregarded for the past two years.

[Hey, I just remembered, I have a restraining order against you! Get out!]

1:05 p.m. - The Grass Valley Library reported a van with the word "Psychic," written on it had been in a handicapped parking spot for more than 24 hours. The situation was turned over to the parking officer.

[I wonder if they saw that coming?]

2:07 p.m. - A caller said they lost their glasses while at the Greenwood Cemetery.

[And you want the police to do what?]

3:20 p.m. - A two car accident on Race Street produced no injuries.

[They call it Race Street for a reason I guess.]

2:06 p.m. - A woman called from the 14000 block of Tanglefoot Court reporting that her neighbor has been videotaping her for about three years. She was seeking advice on what she could do about the situation.

[Restraining order.]

4:52 p.m. - A woman called from the 10000 block of Palm Court reporting that her boyfriend was threatening her for having his wallet. She said she couldn't give him back his wallet as it would be a violation of probation.

[One serious wallet.]

6:58 p.m. - A woman who made a 911 call from the 11000 block of Combie Road reported she was teaching her kids how to dial the emergency number.

[A proponent of practical instruction!]

10:10 a.m. - A caller from Finley and Spring streets reported a vehicle parked in the middle of the street with the back end parked in the caller's garden.

[No alcohol involved there, I'm sure!]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Farewell, Fake Steve Jobs!

So many great things in life are fleeting. Brilliant and fresh and there at just the right moment in time.

And such was The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs.

Started by Daniel Lyons as a joke to amuse some friends, it grew a cult following spurred not only by the great writing, but by the mystery of who was really doing the writing.

The insight into life in Silicon Valley and the industry out here was outstanding. And the influence it had was incredible. Friends of mine at Sun Microsystems say that everybody there knows who you mean when you say, "My Little Pony."

But the time has passed. Mr. Lyons has hung up the persona of Fake Steve and is moving on to other things.

Fans of the site will miss it dearly, but all things pass.

Another bright spot on the internet , it will soon fade from memory for most of us. And in a few years somebody will bring it up and those that do remember will say, "Wow, has it been that long since Fake Steve Jobs shut down?" the way I even now think about how it has been nine years since The Dysfunctional Family Circus was taken down.

It seems like only yesterday.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CIII

1:46 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Neal Street reported juveniles riding their bikes in a precarious manner in the parking lot in front of the caller's business. They have been told to leave and have not, the caller said. Officers contacted the juveniles and they left.

[Precarious bicycle riding, a first for the blotter.]

4:25 p.m. - A caller from the intersection of Packard Drive and Brighton Street reported that a man had punched his mailbox. Officers cited and released the 20-year-old man for vandalism.

[Some insult/injury going on there, unless the mail box was made out of papier mache.]

2:14 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Idaho-Maryland Road reported a man and woman arguing in a vehicle with three children in it. The couple drove away on the Golden Center Freeway before officers could respond.

[Sounds like a normal scene from my childhood. I would have to guess that the subject of "asking for directions" had been broached.]

7:11 p.m. - A Church Street caller in a wheelchair reported being chased by five subjects and a large dog who were all screaming for her to stay home. Responding officers determined it was simply an argument.

[Good, as I was strongly considering "performance art" as the answer.]

1:40 p.m. - A man from 10000 block of Cement Hill Road reported vandalism to a mailbox and offered to preserve forensic evidence if needed.

[Grass Valley CSI will get the FBI lab will get right on that.]

8:53 p.m. - A caller from Washington Street overpass reported juveniles dropping caution cones on cars below.

[I should collect a series of "dropping things from the overpass" entries. This is what happens when you build an overpass in a small town.]

10 a.m. - A caller from the 11000 block of Pamela Drive reported that a garbage truck had knocked down a power line across the road. Waste Management was notified about the incident.

[I might have called PG&E.]

1:52 p.m. - A caller from the 800 block of East Main Street reported being threatened by her sister if she didn't drop charges against her.

[Family life!]

8:45 p.m. - A caller from the 200 block of Sutton Way said his roommates had terminated power to his room and he could not find the landlord. Responding officers learned from one of the roommates that the caller had threatened his life. Officers eventually determined it was a civil issue.

[Sounds more like an uncivil issue.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CII

4:22 p.m. - A woman called from the 600 block of Brighton Street to report her neighbor told her a woman in a white Ford Explorer was taking pictures of her dogs. The woman in the SUV refused to tell the neighbor what she was doing and left the area. Patrol officers were advised.

[I suspect those people at I Has A Hotdog]

7:58 p.m. - A caller from the 200 block of Broad Street reported she was punched in the side of the head by a 20- to 30-year-old heavy-set man with bleached blonde hair. The man had been seen sleeping on a bench about 30 minutes before.

[Didn't we read about this last time?]

11:55 a.m. - A large emu was reported running amuck on Freeman Lane. Officers caught the animal.

[More rogue emu as well.]

10:50 a.m. - A business on the 400 block of Idaho-Maryland Road reported finding narcotics in a patrol vehicle they were working on.

[An LAPD level of evidence handling there. Or was that for recreational use?]

2:55 p.m. - A caller from the 16800 block of Kiwi Road reported that someone had tapped into their NID pipe and were stealing all their water.

[Not just some of their water but ALL of their water. I think, in that case, it isn't a tap any more.]

11:33 a.m. - A caller from the business on the 1200 block of Main Street reported counterfeit $5 bills.

[Now that is low budget. It has to cost that much in time, effort, and ink to make a fake bill.]

2:30 p.m. - A caller from the 400 block of Neal Street reported the neighbor's dog had been barking all day. An officer located the dog, which was stuck in a ditch, and freed it. The dog was no longer barking.

[A little bit of effort.]

6:39 a.m. - A caller from a store on the 800 block of Sutton Way reported a man wearing a plaid shirt and white tennis shoes was demanding free items from store employees and he was refusing to leave. Police contacted the 59-year-old man and told him to leave the store.

[Yeah, we've all seen him in the store before.]

10:49 a.m. - A caller from a store on the 700 block of Sutton Way reported two people climbed into the window of a green van. The caller thought the people were trying to steal the van. Police determined one of the people was the owner of the van, which was having mechanical problems.

[Mechanical problems including the keys being locked inside?]

7:19 p.m. - A mother called from the 11000 block of Lower Circle Road to report a person was under the influence of alcohol and mushrooms. The woman requested deputies arrive without a siren. Deputies determined the person was not under the influence of a controlled substance, but had been drinking. The mother would call back if the person continued to cause a disturbance.

[Things are bad enough around here without having you roar up with the sirens blaring.]

8:53 p.m. - A caller from the 19000 block of Victoria Drive reported a very drunk person was attempting to leave the residence. The caller hid the keys, but it appeared the person was trying to hot-wire a white Ford Taurus. A deputy determined the person had gone to sleep for the evening.

[I think that would be more accurately termed "passed out" for the evening.]

12:44 p.m. - A caller from the 17000 block of Lasso Loop reported a drunken woman was passed out on the floor. The woman was being combative. The woman was transported to the hospital.

[It is hard to be on the floor drunk and believably combative at the same time.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Shades of Soylent Green

I read in the news that the man who designed the packaging for Pringles potato chips passed away. Of course, what really caught my eye was how his ashes were stored:

CINCINNATI - The man who designed the Pringles potato crisp packaging system was so proud of his accomplishment that a portion of his ashes has been buried in one of the iconic cans.

This immediately made me imagine some distant future when some archiologist uncovers his sealed crypt and finds a potato chip can. Taking it back to the lab for analysis, they review the results with horror:

"It's people! Pringles were made out of people! They made their food out of people!"