Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LVI

At 11:40 a.m., the Grass Valley Police Department issued a be-on-the-lookout for a stolen white Dodge Caravan. The keys had been stolen either from a residence or left inside the minivan.

[I've been up there. They keys were in the van in the visor on the driver's side. Face it, this is not where to keep your keys.]

At 6:14 p.m, a caller from Ridge Road near Carey Drive reported that a green chevy painted with purple flames had run into a fence and the car was now parked with a flat tire. The caller suspected the driver was under the influence.

[Green car with purple flames? He was certainly under the influence at some point.]

At 1:23 p.m., a caller from the 10000 block of Lode Line Way reported the theft of a security camera.

[Alert the office of ironic criminal activity.]

At 7:05 p.m., a caller from the 16000 block of Mount Olive Road reported finding a live hand grenade with a safety pin intact while digging for worms. A bomb squad destroyed the device.

[Bomb squads always destroy "devices." They should be called "The Device Squad."]

At 8:37 a.m., a caller from Highway 49 near Streeter Road reported that a man was sitting on the side of the road yelling at himself and causing a disturbance for motorists.

[You wouldn't want motorists disturbed.]

At 3:55 p.m., a caller from the 300 block of Eskaton Circle reported lots of smoke and flames.

[In the distance? In the neighborhood? In his room?]

At 11:06 p.m., a caller from the 200 block of Sutton way reported a party in the parking lot with mostly teenagers and some young children riding their bikes through the sprinklers.

[Sprinkler party tonight!]

At 10:40 a.m. a caller from 10000 Peardon Road reported a residential burglary in the last two weeks and that food was taken.

[Burglar: Least likely answer to the question "where did those Fudgesicles go?"]

At 4:36 p.m., a caller from Jordan Street reported people were cutting down trees without permits.

[In Soviet Russia the tree cuts you down without a permit.]

At 4:49 p.m., a woman from the 11000 block of Golden Way reported there was a bear in her front yard. The woman stated she has concerns for the neighborhood.

[A bear in the front yard can really draw down property values.]

At 5:53 p.m., a caller from the 11000 block of Millpond Lane reported a bear going up the street toward Red Dog Road. Information was given to Fish and Game.

[Unless he fails to signal a turn, the authorities will leave well enough alone.]

At 10:54 p.m., a caller from a business on the 100 block of East Main Street reported an ex-employee was in the parking lot demanding tips. He had just been fired. Police contacted the caller and the ex-employee, who was advised not to return or he could be arrested for trespassing.

[If you're out in the parking lot, isn't it a little too late for tips? Or was he seeking employment tips?]

At 12:10 a.m., a caller from the 23000 block of St. Helena Drive reported an accidental gunshot wound to the hand. The caller was cleaning the .45-caliber gun when it went off. The caller was transported to the hospital. A deputy took a report.

[Another "cleaning the gun" scenario. At midnight. More likely somebody was playing quick draw after a few too many.]

At 9:16 p.m., a caller from the 600 block of West Broad Street reported a neighbor had a scented candle burning in his vehicle, but he was inside his home, possibly in bed. An officer responded and blew out the candle.

[Nice to see the police taking the simple solution... now if the neighbor could have just done that. After all, if the windows were not down we can be sure the doors were unlocked.]

At 3:54 p.m., a man called from a business on the 500 block of Sutton Way to report he has a Pepsi machine and he couldn't find the owner. He wanted to get rid of it. Dispatchers advised the man to call Pepsi Co.

[I had a Pepsi machine and I could not find the owner, so I called the police.]

At 12:45 p.m., a caller from Maben Road reported a person was wandering down the roadway yelling at himself and scaring neighbors. A deputy contacted the person, who was looking for water.

[Oh, well, carry on with your ravings sir, I'll let the neighbors know it is only water you seek.]

At 5:54 a.m., a woman called from the 19000 block of John Born Road to report two horses were running in the roadway with the owner chasing after them on foot.

[Things I cannot imagine myself doing, or caring about, before 6am on any morning.]

At 4:45 p.m., a caller from a business on Nevada City Highway reported a man appeared to be passed out at a bus stop. Police contacted the man, who was taking a nap.

[A power nap at the bus stop and now he feels refreshed and ready to carry on.]

At 2:42 a.m., a woman in the police station lobby wanted to speak to an officer because she was cold, tired and wanted to leave Grass Valley. An officer gave the woman a bus schedule and would allow her to stay in the lobby until 5 a.m. The woman later urinated inside the lobby, then ran outside without her pants on. Police provided the woman a ride to the hospital for a mental health evaluation.

[Well, they got her pointed in the right direction at least.]

At 11:45 a.m., a woman called 911 from the 10000 block of Gautier Drive to report she was being stalked by the Auburn Police Department. She called again on the business line and dispatchers told her she should call Auburn Police Department.

[But can't you see, they are the problem!]

At 1:30 p.m., a man called from the 15000 block of Rattlesnake Road to report a woman pointed a shotgun toward the ground and said she wanted to shoot his can of beer, which he was not allowed to have. She also stabbed the swimming pool with a butcher knife earlier. The woman locked herself inside the house and would no come out. The man refused an offer for a ride away from the house.

[I'm sure everybody live happily ever after.]

At 5:06 p.m., a caller from the 400 block of Nimrod Street reported a man was lying under a bench in Pioneer Park, urinating. Police arrested the man.

[Tip: Behind a bush or a tree is much more effective.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)