Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXI

At 8:18 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of Bank Street reported a man fell down on the sidewalk. Police arrested a 49-year-old man on suspicion of public drunkenness and violation of probation.

[Most embarrassing way to blow your probation?]

At 2:43 a.m., a woman called from the 200 block of South Church Street to report hearing a man say, "Oh great, I'm going to die on the steps of a church." The woman heard the voice through her open window and she could not see anyone on the steps of the church. Police checked the area and were unable to locate the man.

[Still, a great final phrase.]

At 8:58 p.m., a caller from a business on the 100 block of Neal Street reported that a man asked for a free sandwich and made a scene when he was denied.

[What do you mean "there is no such thing as a free lunch?" Gimme a sandwich!]

At 2:08 a.m., a caller from the 500 block of Mill Street reported that a man wearing a flowered shirt and khakis had passed out on the sidewalk. When officers made contact with the man, he said he was waiting for his dog. Officers escorted him back to his hotel.

[He is usually back by now. Hey... no... he'll be pissed if I'm not here.]

At 2:03 p.m., a caller from the 16000 block of Duggans Road reported that a neighbor threatened to turn him in for having horses running loose on his property and threatened to drive her car into a horse and kill it if she saw one on the road. Before leaving, she threw rocks at the caller and swerved her car toward some horses.

[Some serious horse hate there. And stupidity. If you think a deer will mess up a car when you hit it, try a full grown horse.]

At 2:13 p.m., a caller from the 13000 block of Diamond Oaks Drive reported that a man in his 40s with long dreadlocks knocked on his back door and started asking invasive questions about who lived at the house and when they were usually home. The caller thought that the man was casing the property for possible theft.

[If he was "casing the joint," as they say, it has to be the least effective job of social engineering I've seen.]

At 7:49 p.m., a caller from Lowell Hill reported that he was seeing bullets flying over his house, and that in the past gunfire had been going off in the middle of the night in what he didn't feel was a "safe manner."

[Give that man an eye test if he can see bullets flying over his house.]

At 6 p.m., a man from the 200 block of Sutton Way reported receiving calls from an unknown source telling him to stay away from the unknown source's wife.

[You would think that, if the person in question was pestering the unknown source's wife he could figure out who this unknown source was pretty quickly.]

At 1:41 a.m., a woman called from the 200 block of Dorsey Drive to report she's been cutting herself and would like to bleed more. Officers contacted the caller and transported her to the medical emergency room for a mental health evaluation.

[Come bleed with us, T-rex!]

At 10:04 a.m., July 4, GVFD responded to a call from a person locked inside his bedroom near Hughes Road. At the scene, firefighters went up to the second floor and confirmed the incident. The occupant was installing a new lock but had accidentally placed it backwards so the lock was on the outside of the door. Fire personnel entered the house and resolved the problem.

[Lesson: Always carry your cell phone if you plan to do something stupid.]

At 2:12 p.m., a woman called from the 10000 block of Littlejohn Lane to report she was in her driveway and two dogs would not let her out of her vehicle.

[Presumably they were not her dogs.]

At 2:36 p.m., a woman called from the 10000 block of Littlejohn Lane to report her gates were opened, her dogs were let loose and the front door was unlocked. She didn't believe anything was missing, and she requested extra patrol.

[Well, at least we know where the dogs came from.]

At 6:17 p.m., a caller from the 15000 block of Skaith Bend reported his marijuana was being contaminated by bleach. The caller believed his neighbor was responsible but he did not have any proof his neighbor did it.

[We haven't seen a marijuana call in the news for a while. I thought somebody stole all the medical plants last year.]

At 3:18 p.m., a woman called from the 100 block of Ocean Avenue to report a man was trespassing at a residence for sale. The woman said she received calls from neighbors about it. There was no damage done. In fact, the man washed the windows and cleaned the bathroom. The caller requested extra patrol.

[A sanitary crime spree!]

At 3:54 p.m., a woman called from a business on the 1000 block of East Main Street to report a man entered the business, started trying on capes and wanted the caller to look at him. The man shut himself in the changing room when another man walked into the store. The woman believed the man wearing the capes was trying to expose himself to her. Police contacted the caller.

[Capes? Was this a costume shop?]

At 8:18 p.m., a caller from Kentucky Flats Road reported hearing screaming and shots being fired. Deputies determined two people were chasing runaway pigs.

[Because gunfire is a proven method for rounding up runaway pigs.]

At 5:24 p.m., a caller from the 400 block of Butler Street reported a lost male dog named Sue. It was a black Lab, neutered and very friendly. Police notified Animal Control.
[Johnny Cash fans perhaps? At least they didn't claim the dog was stolen.]

At 7:59 a.m., a man called from the 200 block of South School Street to report a woman was screaming at him to drive him insane.

[Since when does a woman have to resort to screaming to accomplish that?]

At 8:14 a.m., a caller from the 200 block of South School Street to report a woman was screaming again. Police determined all was quiet for now.

[There is a neighborhood to avoid I would guess.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)