Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXV

At 5:33 p.m., an upset woman called from McCourtney Road to report fair personnel directed her into the fairgrounds, but she wasn't going to the fair. An officer contacted the woman.

[Fell for that old carny trick, did we?]

At 5:56 p.m., a man in the police station lobby reported someone impersonated him at a business on Mill Street and signed for his daughter to get a pierced tongue. Police determined there was no crime and would follow up.

[First, ouch. Second, I am glad to see that at least he was against the procedure.]

At 6:28 p.m., a woman called from the 200 block of Hill Street to report someone wanted to "get her bird." Police advised the caller and the other person that if either one entered the other's portion of the house, they would be arrested.

[Other's portion of the house? Are they laying tape down on the floor Brady Bunch style?]

At 7:22 p.m., a caller from the 2000 block of Nevada City Highway reported a woman wearing jeans with holes in them was passed out by a garbage bin. The woman told the caller she was all right, but she did not leave. Police contacted the woman and told her to move on.

[Don't mind me, I'm just resting.]

At 12:59 p.m., a woman called 911 from a pay telephone on the 300 block of Broad Street to report "Jesus needs help." She then hung up. Police checked the area and no one was around the pay phone.

[Miracle? Immaculate crime report?]

At 7:42 p.m., a caller from Brighton Street at French Street reported a man wearing shorts was driving a yellow motor scooter and blowing the stop sign repeatedly. Police were unable to locate the man on the scooter.

[The stop sign was not available for comment.]

At 11:31 p.m., a caller from East Main Street reported the guard dog for a business was loose in the street. The dog was a large bull mastiff, and he was not nice. Animal Control was notified.

[Not nice. I think that is a requirement for a guard dog, isn't it?]

At 10:01 a.m., person at the sheriff's lobby reported an employee hadn't shown up for work in three days. The person had been acting disoriented when checked on by a co-worker. Deputies determined the person was home ill with the flu.

[If you're not going to work, call your boss.]

At 12:09 a.m., a caller from the 300 block of Dorsey Drive reported that two juveniles had set off a flare gun or bottle rocket and were hiding in the bushes.

[Believe me, there is no way you could mistake one for the other.]

At 3:34 a.m., a caller from a convenience store on the 300 block of Sacramento Street reported that a woman asking for directions to the jail had stolen a map. When the woman showed up at the bail bonds area behind the jail, deputies made contact and followed her back to the store, where she paid for the map.

[But she was so convenient to prison, why not just take her in?]

At 11:38 a.m., the alarm on a band room door sounded at a school on the 10000 block of Rough and Ready Highway. Deputies determined the alarm was accidentally set off by the new vice principal.

[I bet this was a case of setting up the new guy too.]

At 6:05 p.m., a man called from the 11000 block of Newtown Road to report the neighbor's dogs came onto his property against a restraining order. The man trapped one dog in a cage. The caller requested Animal Control retrieve the dog.

[A restraining order against a dog? Or dogs? Still, it illustrates the problems with animal rights; you cannot have rights if you cannot accept responsibility.]

At 5:15 p.m. Aug. 2, GVFD and NCCFD responded to a utility pole transformer fire that extended to the vegetation underneath it on West McKnight Way. The first arriving engine company extended hose lines and extinguished the fire before it could gain momentum. A wayward squirrel was determined to be the cause.

[A wayward squirrel! Presumably a somewhat shocked, if not smoking, wayward squirrel.]

At 5:55 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of Neal Street reported that two teens were selling a dog on the sidewalk. The dog was a specialized breed, and they were asking a lot of money for it.

[It was, no doubt, stolen. And here I scoffed at the idea of dog theft.]

At 12:09 a.m., a caller from the 13000 block of Capitol Drive reported that people in detox were acting strangely. The people were extremely nervous and in pain. One person was making suicidal statements and grabbed a knife. They were detoxing off of Fetinol. Medical was sent.

[It sounds like they were in... detox!]

At 1:46 a.m., a caller from the 400 block of Railroad Avenue reported that several people were playing on the train. They left.

[Of course there is a train on Railroad Avenue! Don't play on it after dark!]

At 5:56 p.m., a caller from West McKnight Way reported a man carrying a duffel bag and a sign asking for help was yelling at drivers who would not stop to give him assistance or money. Police contacted the 54-year-old man and took his sign. They also advised him of a city ordinance.

[They took his sign! Then they advised him of a city ordinance, presumably involving yelling or signs.]

At 1:43 a.m., a man called from the 200 block of Mill Street to report his girlfriend wouldn't keep her hands off him and he was going to leave because he knew police would show up. The man was gone when police arrived. The woman appeared to have been drinking heavily. No arrests were made.

[There were times in my life when I wanted my girlfriend to behave that way....]

At 6:47 p.m., a caller from the 500 block of Long Street reported a squirrel had been shot, but was still alive and suffering. Police were unable to locate the squirrel.

[Dare I say "wayward squirrel?"]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)