Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CXIII

12:16 a.m. - A woman from the 15000 block of Greenhorn Road reported someone shot a paintball at her window. It was determined by deputies that it was eggs, not paintballs.

[Well, that's okay then.]

9:03 a.m. - A caller from Condon Park reported four men were using the fire pit in the barbecue area, and the flames were very high. The men were using the barbecue as a source of heat.

[Was it a spare the air day? We're not allowed to have fires in the winter any more if the pollution level is high.]

10:23 a.m. - A woman from the 12000 block of Hogan Hill Road reported eggs were put in her newspaper box.

[A breakfast invitation?]

6:46 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Mill Street reported finding a gun in the bushes. It was determined to be a child's toy.

[Hard to imagine making this mistake myself, but some people....]

4:25 a.m. - A caller from the 100 block of West Berryhill Drive reported hearing noises like someone was hitting an object outside.

[I realize it is early in the morning, but could you get more specific than "an object?"]

9:22 p.m. - A caller from the 1900 block of Nevada City Highway reported an elderly man, possibly in his boxers, thumbing a ride.

[A rather chilly way to travel. The Sierra's are cold at night in November.]

6:36 a.m. - A caller from the 600 block of Walsh Street reported a man hiding in the bathroom.

[That's just vague enough that I do not know what to say. I hope it wasn't his bathroom.]

1:37 p.m. - A woman from the 500 block of South Auburn Street reported people were following her and that one possibly was a private investigator.

[There is no doubt an interesting story... or a mental health issue... involved here.]

4:27 p.m. - A woman from a business in the 500 block of Sutton Way reported she found her wallet wide open on the floor toward the rear of the business, but it did not appear anything was taken.

[So she called the police to report that she dropped her wallet?]

12:14 p.m. - A woman from the 10000 block of Ridge Road reported her husband was threatening to blow up the house. A loud bang was heard in the background before the line was disconnected. Everything was O.K. when sheriff's deputies arrived.

[Uh... performance art then?]

1:20 p.m. - A caller from the 500 block of Mill Street reported a man washing items in the creek. The man was gold-panning.

[Washing items would probably end up being more useful in the long run.]

5:08 p.m. - A caller from the 900 block of Helling Way reported a goose was stuck in a fishing line near the pond adjacent to the ballfield. The Wildlife Care Center was advised and later it was reported the "goose was loose."

[You do not often get entires in the blotter with their own punch lines.]

4:04 p.m. - A man from the 13000 block of Quaker Hill Cross Road reported a pig was chasing him on his property and would not let him get in his vehicle.

10:36 p.m. - An alarm was reported in the 21000 block of Bear Hollow Road. Wild pigs were on the property and had torn up the yard.

[Pigs on a rampage.]

6 a.m. - A caller from a business on the 400 block of Sierra College Drive reported someone broke into a trailer and took a blower, a hedger and a gas can.

[The suspect will probably have a suddenly well maintained yard.]

5:40 p.m. - A woman from the 11000 block of Upper Circle Drive reported a dead squirrel in her mailbox. She said she previously had found beer cans in the mailbox and has a restraining order against her neighbor.

[Not exactly a scene from "The Godfather."]

7:46 p.m. - A caller from the 14000 block of Rough and Ready Highway reported a man had set up floodlights and was skateboarding.

[Which, if the bumper stickers are to be believed, is not a crime.]

6:21 p.m. - A caller from Mill Street reported loud music coming from a truck in the parking lot. The owner of the truck was asked to turn it down. A second caller reported several people were doing drugs outside and when the officer made contact, they all ran inside.

[Justice thwarted again.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CXII

11:34 a.m. A caller from a business in the 100 block of West Main Street reported a recorder was stolen.

[One presumes that they did not mean the instrument that I would dearly like somebody to steal from my daughter.]

4:57 p.m. A woman from the 10000 block of Boulder Hill Drive reported her son was guilty of fraud and theft.

[That's for a jury to decide ma'am.]

10:43 p.m. A woman requested a welfare check on her boyfriend on the 18000 block of River Ranch Road, whom she had last heard from at 6:30 a.m. She said he might be out four-wheeling, and she didn't want to drive up from Sacramento unless he was home.

[Can you see if my boyfriend is home so I don't have to waste my time? Hey, I pay taxes!]

7:28 p.m. A caller from the 300 block of Alta Street reported the residence was open and items were strewn all over the inside. The reporter was standing by in a white shirt and fake blood.

8:15 p.m. A caller from East Main Street reported a teenager dressed up in a construction costume with a stop sign was holding up traffic.

10:07 p.m. A caller from the 200 block of Richardson Street reported a bald man wearing a dress was seen running toward North Church Street, yelling for his purse back.

10:59 p.m. Contact was made with some individuals at a local cemetery who were advised to leave.

[Calls you only get around Halloween.]

4:00 p.m. A caller from Brunswick advised of three cars involved in an "accident" on Brunswick Road near Sutton Way.

[Did the caller make "air quotes" over the phone? Did they suspect it wasn't really an accident?]

10:03 p.m. A caller from Wildlife Lane and You Bet Road reported a fight involving a group of 25 to 30 people.

11:01 p.m. A countywide search was called for a black full size Chevy Blazer with unknown plates that left the Wildlife Lane and You Bet Road area. The vehicle was thought to have three men and one woman aboard. The woman was reported to have a 9 mm handgun.

11:36 p.m. A caller from the 11000 block of Squirrel Creek Road reported a drunk man wearing a gray jump suit who came to the caller's door and stated he was pushed out of a vehicle and subjects were "packing heat."

[Wild times in Grass Valley?]

10:47 a.m. A woman from the 200 block of Dorsey Drive reported her neighbor from upstairs kept banging on her ceiling.

[Welcome to apartment life.]

10:17 a.m. A caller from the 11000 block of Birchville Road reported armed hunters on his property. The same caller had reported hunters the previous day. He was advised to call state Fish and Game.

[Is trespassing not handled by the Sheriff's department these days?]

1:45 p.m. A caller from Brewer Road reported a missing 3-year-old girl, dressed in a pink-and-white sleeper. She was last seen by the garage. The garage and barn had been checked. The girl was found approximately eight minutes later inside the entertainment center; she had been hiding.

[How to take ten years off your parent's lives.]

7:34 p.m. A caller from the 400 block of Pine Street reported a pickup was parked illegally and blocking a wheelchair ramp. Police determined the resident had painted the sidewalk and it was not illegal to park there.

[You apparently cannot just create your own handicap parking spots.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CXI

9:39 a.m. - A caller in the 15000 block of Cottrell Road reported that a person was trying to steal his cattle.

[Would that make him a "cattle rustler" or just not a very adept criminal?]

6:07 p.m. - A caller in the 17000 block of Lake Vera Purdon Road reported that a dead deer was in the roadway posing a hazard. Forty minutes later, a caller from the same location reported that the deer got up and ran away.

[Maybe it was just resting.]

6:22 p.m. - A caller on Shire Court reported that their son was threatening to break things and was extremely defiant. The boy was told that he would be booked into Juvenile Hall if he continued to vandalize the property and disobey his parents.

[Every parent's nightmare... the child realizing how tenuous parental control will be.]

10:29 p.m. - A woman at the intersection of Gracie Road and Melanie Court said she could not explain why she thinks a car intentionally hit her mailbox.

[And yet, there she was.]

9:59 a.m. - A man from the 16000 block of Patricia Way said a driver speeding by in a truck threw a solar light onto his property.

[Some sort of drive-by "Go Green" campaign?]

12:36 p.m. - A be-on-the-lookout bulletin was issued for a man about 35 years old wearing light khaki clothing who had just robbed the U.S. Bank in Auburn.

[In all the years I've been reading the blotter, I don't recall ever seeing a simple bank robbery.]

6:37 p.m. - A woman from the 12000 block of Rough and Ready Highway reported a man left a message on her answering machine stating her goats were on his property and he had shot at them. The caller noted that the goats her neighbor was referring to weren't hers, and she wanted a deputy to call the neighbor and ask him to not leave nasty messages on her machine. When the deputy called the neighbor, he said it was better "to shoot the goats than to waste time in court and sue the livestock owner." The deputy advised that calling animal control would be an effective way to stop the goats from coming onto his property.

[It is better to shoot goats than waste time in court. A sentiment for the ages... the middle ages.]

7:14 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of East Berryhill Drive reported a neighbor repeatedly leaves his window open while not wearing clothes in his home. Officers were to contact the man.

[We don't want to look... but we cannot help ourselves!]

10:27 p.m. - An intoxicated man from the 16500 block of Countrywood Lane reported a "criminal" had just entered his home. The "criminal" got on the phone and said the caller was too drunk to remember him as a friend.

[That's just criminal.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Tenuous Grip on my PIN

I have a strange relationship with the PIN for my ATM card.

I cannot remember it unless I am standing in front of the ATM and, possibly, for the few minutes after that transaction.

If you asked me right now, I could guess at it. I have some inkling about what the numbers could be. But I only know with certainty when I am standing there ready to withdraw some cash.

At least I used to know the numbers with certainty at that point.

I have not had to use the ATM for over two months. It appears that the certainty of knowledge fades with time.

I stood at the ATM today and could not remember my PIN.

I had walked four blocks to the ATM to get some cash so I could buy something lunch, but I had to walk away empty handed. Two guesses at the number and I had to cancel the transaction. After three wrong guesses the machine keeps your card. At least some machines I have run into do that. It has never actually happened to me, but I have never not been able to remember my PIN.

I have had the same PIN for 18 years now. It is in my brain somewhere.

Still, I had better bring my lunch to work tomorrow, just in case.

Sign of Hard Times

My wife is now convinced that we are in economic hard times.

While she has seen the financial disaster unfolding via the nightly news, the front page of the daily paper, and the Yahoo! headlines, for her the true sign came tonight.

There was an ad on prime time television for K-Mart that featured the fact that they offer lay-away plans for Christmas purchases.

If you're under a certain age, you probably have no idea what that is. Click on the link there to learn.

For my wife, the fact that a major retailer is pushing a plan that predates easy credit is more chilling than any financial institution failure.

Hard times are upon us.

Terror in a White Jag

I had set these blotter entries aside in the hope that there would be more on the subject. Alas, it ended up being just these three.

At 2:19 p.m., a caller from a business on the 400 block of Sutton Way reported a woman went onto the business and started yelling. She was asked to leave and was last seen driving a white Jaguar with a dog in the back. A second caller, a landscaper in the area, reported the same woman was acting very odd. Police contacted the 47-year-old woman and issued her a re-evaluation through the Department of Motor Vehicles.

At 1:29 a.m., a caller from the 100 block of Glasson Way reported a woman in a white Jaguar was honking her car horn and yelling in the parking lot in front of the emergency room. She was getting in and out of her vehicle, then left. Police were unable to locate the woman.

At 3:53 a.m., a caller from a store on the 10000 block of Combie Road reported a woman was acting irrationally in the store, talking about her dog. The woman left in a white Jaguar. Deputies contacted the woman, who was at her residence on the 11000 block of Sunset Place. She did not meet the criteria for a mental health evaluation. She said she would be going to sleep.

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CX

8:37 a.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Samantha Way reported a can of baked beans had been dumped on her car.

[There is a first for the blotter.]

11:04 a.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Catherine Lane reported someone was throwing rocks at her upstairs apartment when the reporting party noticed her rug was on fire.

[Coincidend? Crude warning method?]

1:33 p.m. - A caller found a large knife under a tree at the entrance to Minnie Park. Officers booked the knife in as evidence.

[Evidence of what?]

8:48 a.m. - A caller from the 10000 block of Alta Street reported a juvenile who was dropped off at school but was refusing to stay.

[As a child, this approach never even occurred to me.]

11:45 a.m. - Officers arrested a 20-year-old man on the 900 block of Sutton Way on suspicion of possessing less than an ounce of marijuana and booked him into the Nevada County jail.

[There isn't much to this one, except every time I read that charge, I think to myself "None is less than an ounce, right?"]

9:49 p.m. - A caller from McKnight Way reported a man hitchhiking dangerously.

[Yes, as if it wasn't risky enough, we have to get into extreme hitchhiking.]

1:06 p.m. - A caller from the 200 block of Gates Place reported an ex-employee who has been coming to the business and taking things off the computer. The caller said the ex-employee has told the owner he would sell the information back to the company.

[Here we have, "My First Extortion Racket."]

9:57 p.m. - A man from the 19000 block of Tara Lane reported a large bear in the bed of his truck. The man said the bear would not move, even if he activated the car alarm. He said he called the Department of Fish and Game who said they will not respond.

[That's going to be an interesting call to work if there bear is still there in the morning.]

9:05 a.m. - A caller from the 200 block of Mill Street reported a woman who had sent about three letters in the mail to the Grass Valley/Nevada County Chamber of Commerce regarding people and businesses who are supposedly threatening to kill her. The caller requested contact with officers.

[Murder being something that the chamber of commerce usually tries to steer clear of.]

9:20 a.m. - A caller in the 600 block of Zion Street reported finding a dead woodpecker in his bathtub. He told officers he believed the bird was put there intentionally. Later, the caller reported that he found a hole in the wall that allowed the bird access to the bathtub.

[So no mysterious "sign of the woodpecker" message to decipher then? We won't need those meddling kids I guess.]

12:55 a.m. - Police reported that a vehicle ran two flashing red lights at East Main and South Auburn streets. The subject told police he was from Israel and did not know what the flashing red lights at the intersections meant.

[I wonder how far that got him... or if he cared.]

5:59 p.m. - A woman from the 300 block of South Auburn Street reported a juvenile skateboarding on her roof. A similar call came in from a home on Buena Vista Avenue. Responding officers found the skateboarder and arrested him on suspicion of giving police officers a false identity and booked him into the Nevada County jail.

[I'll bet he says it was worth it.]

12:04 a.m. - A woman heard some glass breaking in her garage and thought it might be a mountain lion.

[Damn those clumsy mountain lions.]

9:45 a.m. - A woman from the 15000 block of Sunny Hill Road reported her neighbor made an obscene gesture at her the day before.

[I'm sure the police will get right on that.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

The End of Change

I have finally reached the point in my life where I do not really need coins.

And by "coins," I mean that most important of coins, the quarter dollar.

At some point in my life, in the distant past, the quarter was everything.

I needed quarters for everything. The bus. Video games. The coin-op washer and dryer. Vending machines. Parking meters.

I tended to optimize my spending to maximize the number of quarters I would get in change.

Slowly but surely, the need for quarters melted away. I drive my own car. Video games need tokens. I live in a house with my own washer and dryer. I have a parking pass. I do not drive through any toll booths.

The final coin dropped, so to speak, when my company changed the vending machines in the office. Everything used to be a quarter. In an expense control move, the machines are no longer subsidized, so the price of everything floated up to around a dollar.

Nothing in them is a quarter any more, or even some multiple of a quarter, except items that are a dollar even. Everything else is 55 cents or 85 cents or some such anti-quarter valuation.

And since the store right next door to our office has everything cheaper than the vending machines, my final need for coins has faded.

Now all the coins I collect during the day end up on my desk until they become a big enough pile to annoy me. Then the kids get them. But even they look askance at anything less than a quarter some days.

No more jingle-jangle of coins in my pocket, my days of change are through. My kids and places with tip jars will benefit.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CIX

5:32 p.m. - A caller from the 300 block of South Auburn Street reported receiving threats from the caller's sister-in-law. The caller was advised on how to get a restraining order.

[Which might make Thanksgiving a bit awkward, but probably a bit less tense.]

2:19 a.m. - A caller from the 13000 block of Golden Eagle Way reported someone stole his portable toilet. The caller said he suspected his neighbor.

[I guess if he was looking for it at 2am, he probably needed it.]

2:20 a.m. - A caller from the 200 block of Broad Street reported a theft of a portable toilet. The caller said it was taken by a neighbor who is an ex-Hells Angels member. The portable toilet was gray and white with a chair and a bucket attached. The caller said he wasn't sure if the portable toilet was stolen or just missing.

[Is this midnight plumbing supply or what?]

5:16 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Brentwood Drive reported she is on parole and her father has threatened to plant a weapon in her vehicle. The caller was advised of the restraining order process.

[I can see more awkward holiday seasons coming up.]

7:06 p.m. - A caller wanted officers to stand by while he got his belongings out of an apartment he shared with a girlfriend on the 100 block of Main Street. Officers supplied the standby and then arrested the man on a warrant out of San Diego.

[That must have made the girlfriend's day.]

11:23 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of East Empire Street reported a prowler was knocking on the back door. Responding officers could not find the prowler.

[It might be just me, but do prowlers usually knock?]

8:52 a.m. - A caller from the 10000 block of Boulder Street reported receiving a check for $3,900 in the mail from a company claiming that he won $55,000. The company requested him to send $300 for taxes, he said. The man waited for the check to clear the account, but it bounced. So he never sent the $300 to the company. The man requested contact with officers.

[It bounced. Imagine that!]

8 p.m. - A man from the 10000 block of Rough and Ready Highway reported trespassers on his property who were harassing him all day and attacked him with pit bulls. The man said he shot two of the dogs in the rear. The trespassers were near a fence by a shed on the man's property, he said.

[It sounds like he called this in a few hours later that he should have.]

12:58 p.m. - An elderly woman in the lobby of the police department said she hired a gardener and paid him in advance with a blank check. The gardener made out the check for more than the authorized agreement and also never returned to do the work. Officers took a report for fraud.

[Why are people so trusting of strangers?]

3:36 a.m. - A resident of the 15100 block of Beeman Lane was unaware that the person's vehicle was being repossessed.

[A couple of these show up every week now. Surprise!]

5:30 p.m. - A man in handcuffs wearing an orange jumpsuit and a devil's mask was running in and out of traffic on the Broad Street overpass.

[A George W. Bush mask? The guy with the "War Criminal" sign?]

1:29 a.m. - A caller from a downtown bar reported a fast taxi driver.

[Better than the ones who never show up I suppose.]

10:51 a.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Empire Street reported an intoxicated woman had been banging on his front door for the last 20 minutes. Officers arrested and booked her on three local warrants.

[Three local warrants! A busy woman!]

5:04 p.m. - A caller said a man with dreadlocks was in a vehicle on a parking lot on Litton Drive smoking marijuana. The man left and officers were advised.

[Later, a construction worker made suggestive remarks at a passing woman.]

4:10 p.m. - A caller from Englebright Lake reported a person in an SUV with a boat trailer drove over his kayak on the boat ramp and drove off.

[I wonder if this is part of some ongoing "power boat vs. kayak" feud.]

8:35 p.m. - A man working on a home on Kechely Court reported a woman next door kept coming out of her home, taking notes and harassing him before he could explain what he was doing. Responding officers discerned it was a civil issue.

[Mrs. Kravitz, notes in hand, remained disturbed by the whole situation.]

10:55 a.m. - A caller on McCourtney Road reported that an individual stole a gray Chevrolet Camaro hood off a vehicle to put on his own red Camaro.

[Well, he should be easy to spot in any event.]

2:27 p.m. - A caller in the 10000 block of San Francisco Street reported that a man borrowed $40,000 and had agreed to pay it back in two weeks but hadn't done so. A report was taken.

[But he said he would!]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CVIII

6:37 p.m. - A caller from the 1900 block of Nevada City Highway reported a man in a pickup truck drove it up on the hood of another vehicle. Responding officers arrested the man on suspicion of vandalism and booked him into the Nevada County jail. His vehicle was towed.

[Vandalism is all that warrants?]

8:14 p.m. ­ A landlord reported tenants from the 300 block of Bennett Street were banging on his door after he had served them an eviction notice for throwing a barbecue off a second story balcony. Responding officers calmed the situation.

11:16 p.m. ­ Officers checking on a man at Neal and Church streets and cited and released him on a Placer County warrant.

[I still do not get this whole "citation for a warrant" routine. What good is a warrant for somebody then?]

7:54 p.m. ­ A caller from the 12000 block of Rough and Ready Highway reported a 19-year-old man was trapped in concrete.

[The lead to some interesting mental images, culminating in a fiendish super-villain death trap scenario.]

5:25 p.m. - A man was reported on Sutton Way at Olympia Circle wearing an orange jumpsuit, a George Bush mask, red horns and handcuffs, and he was holding a sign that read, "War Criminal."

[If you demonstrate against the regime alone in the woods, does it make a sound?]

12:14 a.m. - A woman from the 800 block of Old Tunnel Road reported a fire on the deck of the apartment below her that was beginning to reach her deck. The fire was out when emergency crews arrived.

[A very lively report, fire advancing, damsel in distress.]

5:52 a.m. - A woman from the 12000 block of Birchville Road reported her fiance was on probation and doing drugs.

[Don't worry though, you'll be able to change him once you're married to him ma'am.]

7:10 p.m. ­ A mother in the lobby of the police department reported her husband was threatening to take her daughter away from her after she returned from a three-week drinking binge. The mother said she was a previous battery victim at the husband’s hands and wanted officers to contact them both at the home. Officers went to the home and preserved the peace.

[The Lost Weekend comes to Grass Valley. Fortunately the GVPD was there and preserved the peace.]

7:24 p.m. - A caller reported a verbal fight involving a man and woman who were disagreeing with an umpire at the Memorial Park softball field. Responding officers found the umpire did not want to press charges and advised the man and woman to leave the park and not return. Thirty minutes later, the man fell and hit his head while walking on Henderson Street.

[Which, hopefully, went a long way towards preserving the peace going forward.]

8:00 a.m. - A woman reported a reckless driver on Sutton Way who got out of a vehicle and went into a business. The caller said she would continue calling in reckless drivers and following them until the police department does something about them. About 30 minutes later, the driver called and reported the woman caller was following his vehicle in a threatening manner.

[There is a lesson in there somewhere.]

8:30 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Glasson Way reported a stolen helmet was that three shades of blue with flames coming from the skull. An officer took a report for theft.

[I am going to guess this isn't a bicycle helmet we're talking about.]

3:19 a.m. - A caller from the 10000 block of Wild Turkey Lane reported a verbal argument between an inebriated man and a woman.

[Wild Turkey Lane... this stuff just writes itself.]

10:28 a.m. - A caller reported a man in a straw hat with a long beard appeared to smoking marijuana behind the city library.

[ZZ Top is in town maybe?]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

The Circus is in Town

It was like a scene from a bygone era.

I was driving down Winchester Blvd. from Los Gatos and just before Pollard Rd. I saw a pair of diesel electric locomotives on the generally quiet siding that runs along Winchester for a mile or so.

As I drove along, the train behind the three Union Pacific engines came into view, a string of grey passenger cars at rest on the track, yellow steps placed on the ground so the occupants could disembark to walk around.

And on the side of each passenger car was, in big red letters, Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey.

The circus was in town!

And what a way to find out!

As I drove along, people were getting on and off the train, sitting around in folding chairs, and generally relaxing.

I wish I had had my camera on hand. It was, for no real good reason, one of those moments I wanted to capture. The sheer joy of something as mundane as a train (okay, not so mundane to some... even to me... but to many) resolving itself into the circus.

I did find a picture on the web to illustrate what the cars looked like.



(photo credit to Harvey Henkelman)

It looks like the circus will be here through the last weekend before school starts in our district. Such timing. One last fling this summer.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CVII

12:04 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of South Auburn Street reported someone misusing the caller's credit card.

[It sounds like they were scanning it upside down.]

12:34 p.m. - A caller from the 1200 block of East Main Street reported a man dressed in dark clothing was hiding behind a business

[At half past noon on a Wednesday. Very suspicious!]

9:58 p.m. - A man from the 10000 block of Nishinam Gulch Road reported that his 15-year-old daughter assaulted him with a bottle of hairspray. She then locked herself in the bedroom and was screaming loudly, he said.

[I can hardly wait for the teenage years to come to our home.]

5:05 p.m. - A caller from the 200 block of West Main Street reported inappropriate behavior by what was described as a transvestite with a white wig driving a green Toyota up the street. The man was arrested for indecent exposure and booked into the Nevada County Jail.

[What is going on in Grass Valley on Wednesdays?]

7:58 a.m. - A caller from Vistamont expressed safety concerns for a 10-year-old boy selling pizza door to door.

[Anticipatory pizza delivery?]

8:30 a.m. - A caller from East McKnight reported a man with a pipe who ran through a stop sign in a Honda Civic.

[He was also hatless, repeat, hatless.]

6:05 p.m. - A caller from the 15000 block of Ricky Court reported receiving a call from a man who said he was hired to assassinate the caller.

[What time is good for you? Can I assassinate you before lunch? I have plans in the afternoon.]

3:35 p.m. - A caller from the 10000 block of Goodenough Court reported a subject was in urgent care after being shot in the finger with a BB gun.

[No doubt self-inflicted. Court marshal him.]

3:00 p.m. - A man in the lobby from the 100 block of Murphy Street reported finding several vegetables in his yard, possibly fired from a potato gun. The man said he filed a report because he was afraid his dogs could be injured by future flying produce.

[It is a hazard to both man and man's best friend!]

12:43 a.m. - A vehicle was repossessed on the 100 block of Glenbrook Drive, and the owner was unaware.

[Until they read the blotter this morning... or looked out in their driveway.]

3:15 a.m. - A vehicle on the 100 block of Race Street was repossessed and the owner was aware of it.

[And it didn't make a damn bit of difference, because they both lost their cars. Why is this it the blotter?]

8:59 p.m. - A caller from the 14000 block of Makikuja Drive reported vandalism to a house and theft of household items including the carpet.

[At least they didn't pee on it Dude.]

12:20 p.m. - A traffic stop on Freeman Lane resulted in a man being cited and released for driving a motorized scooter. The scooter was confiscated.

[That deserves at least a Nelson Muntz "Haw-haw!"]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Worst... Spin... Ever!

People make mistakes every day, succumb to passions and desires they know they should resist.

But not everybody was running for president earlier this year nor do they harbor dreams of a vice-presidential glory, such that it is.

Which brings me to this Associated Press wire about John Edwards:

AP - Former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards on Friday admitted to an extramarital affair while his wife was battling cancer. He denied fathering the woman's daughter. Edwards told ABC News that he lied repeatedly about the affair with 42-year-old Rielle Hunter but said that he didn't love her.

The dry nature of this piece does not cut him much slack. Not that he deserves any, but look at what he gets.

• He cheated on his wife.
• He cheated while his wife was suffering from cancer.
• He admits to lying about it previously.
• He denies the allegation that he fathered the other woman's child. (But we know he is a liar and a cheat at this point, so what good did that do other than to draw more attention to the allegation? Merrie Spaeth would say this was an "I am not a bimbo" moment.)
• Oh, and while he slept with this other woman, he doesn't love her or anything. I am sure everybody feels better about that now.

What else could they have added on to make this any worse? Did he call her "mommy," or make her wear his wife's clothing?

I am sure this was timed for today when eyes would be focused on the Olympics, but there it was, the headline on Yahoo!

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CVI

7:06 p.m. - A caller said a man was beating a vehicle with a stick in a downtown parking lot. Arriving officers arrested a youth on suspicion of vandalism and took him to juvenile hall.

[People taking common sayings too far.]

5:56 a.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Alta Street reported her house had been toilet-papered, egged and tomatoed.

[Tomatoed?]

1:49 p.m. - A caller said the traffic light at Brunswick Road and Sutton Way was not cycling properly, and she had been sitting in the turn lane for more than 8 minutes while traffic backed up. Public Works was dispatched to the scene.

[She could be stuck there for days!]

11:05 a.m. - A man from the 10000 block of Maranatha Place reported his aunt had taken his stimulus check and was refusing to give it back to him, saying he owed her money.

[Hey, that check from the government was so you would buy new things, not pay off old things... no disrespect to your aunt.]

3:41 p.m. - A man walked into a business on the 100 block of Catherine Lane and said he was there to fix the air conditioning unit. When a worker checked on the man he was standing naked by the unit. Officers were called, but the man left before they arrived.

[This must be some sort of holistic approach to air conditioner repair.]

9:05 a.m. - A woman from the 14000 block of Torrey Pines Drive reported her husband was threatening to press charges against her.

[I'm not sure that is a crime.]

2:32 p.m.- Penn Valley Post Office reported that a white male had written a bad check to purchase $840 worth of stamps. A report was taken. The suspect is described as in his late 40s, 5-foot-7 with short sandy, blonde hair.

[They took a check for $840 worth of stamps? I suppose they should look for the guy selling below cost stamps at the flea market.]

6:33 p.m. - A caller reported a naked man is walking down Pleasant Valley Road and jumps into the brush whenever vehicles pass him. He is described as white and in his 40s. Officers checked the area but were unable to find him.

[Yeah, well, I'd jump in the brush too. But does he repair air conditioners?]

12:32 a.m. - A caller from School Street reported her roommate is threatening her. She said he made threatening statements in the past, wrote his name in blood on the refrigerator and left to go sleep in the cemetery.

[I'm glad that's all settled!]

11:42 p.m. - A caller reported a 4-year-old child was left alone and standing outside a Grass Valley bar while the two adults responsible argued and took turns going inside the bar.

[While it sounds idiotic, it does not exactly sound like the child was left alone.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CV

2:06 p.m. - A caller from a business on the 19000 block of Highway 174 reported a man and a woman trying to make a purchase using a 1934 $20 bill. They were trying to convince the store owner the bill was worth more than $20 now. The caller requested log entry only.

[Another one for the "Let me know how that works out for you" files.]

5:37 p.m. - A caller from the 15000 block of Brewer Road reported people selling meat out of the back of a truck, probably without a license.

[Giving a bad name to all those legitimate meat salesmen working out of the backs of their trucks! Still, I am mildly disappointed that they were not described as "angry" or at least "aggressive" as in past reports.]

1:31 p.m. - A business on the 12000 block of Nevada City Highway reported receiving a counterfeit $20 bill. Officers determined the bill was simply old and verified its authenticity at a nearby bank.

[A 1934 series bill by any chance? I hear those are worth more than $20.]

4:28 p.m. - A business on the 100 block of East Main Street reported a person came in and left without paying for services. Officers took a report.

[There is nothing amusing here, other than the fact that you have no idea what happened. A person went into a business and left without paying for services. Could have been the batting cages, could have been a brothel.]

3:02 a.m. - A caller reported a road block with traffic cones had been set up on Ridge Road across from Nevada Union High School, and when the caller slowed for it, someone threw fruit at his vehicle. Officers were unable to locate anyone after an extensive search of the area.

[These sorts of things seem really funny at 3am, unless you're the one being pelted with fruit.]

9:18 a.m. - A caller near Chapel and Brighton streets reported loud music coming from an area church. The music was turned down after officers arrived.

[And this was on a Tuesday.]

2:44 p.m. - A woman from the 13000 block of Greenhorn Road reported that her neighbors had broken into her house and were stealing her clothes and hair ties.

[My hair ties! My beautiful hair ties!]

6:10 p.m. - A woman from the 16000 block of Aileen Way reported that her 8-year-old child was throwing a tantrum about cleaning her room. The dispatcher told the woman she should call 911 only for emergencies.

[But we have guests coming over in an hour! It is an emergency!]

9:00 p.m. - A woman from the 14000 block of Torrey Pines Drive reported that she was walking home with her dogs when a pit bull attempted to attack her. The pit bull’s owner then threatened the woman that he'd come after her and told her to get out of the area. The pit bull didn’t bite the woman or her dogs, the woman said.

[See, it's not the dogs, it's the owners.]

6:06 p.m. - A hysterical female on Neal Street was reportedly upset about a past relationship. Her father arrived and took her home.

[We've all been there. Okay, maybe not actually on Neal Street, but in the vicinity.]


10:30 a.m. - A man set up a dredge in Wolf Creek at the Bank Street bridge. Officers told him to move on.

[It's Saturday and I just got this new dredge, I thought I'd just look for gold.]

12:13 a.m. - A suspicious male was overhead shouting in the shadows on the 2300 block of Nevada City Highway.

['Shouting in the Shadows' would be a good name for a band.]

2:20 a.m. - An intoxicated man was reported running into traffic at West Main and Neal streets. Officers located the man and booked him into Wayne Brown Correctional Facility on suspicion of being drunk in public.

[What kind of traffic is there on West Main and Neal at 2 am on a Sunday night?]

10:47 p.m. - A vehicle was repossessed on the 22900 block of Sunset Ridge Drive.

[That isn't a crime, so I'm not sure why it is in the blotter. Maybe it is there to warn the neighbors not to lend money to the person who is suddenly missing a car, as they aren't paying their bills?]

6:21 p.m. - A man with a beard and no clothes was reported walking down Pleasant Valley Road. Deputies were unable to locate the man.

[This is why they put cameras in cell phones, so people will believe you when you tell them this stuff.]

8:17 a.m. - A volunteer vehicle repossession was made on the 11300 block of Alpine Lane.

[Now I'm more confused. Still, signs of a bad economy are everywhere.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

They Also Serve, Who Only Click and Wait

After a week of checking the superior court web site several times a day, the row that included my number finally gave me the message I was waiting for:

Thank you for your services to the court this week. You are excused and will receive a one year exception.

Not that I was even expecting to be called in on a Friday, a day that is generally reserved for motions and administrative functions down at the courthouse. Or, if you believe the local paper, for playing golf.

Either way, I have served on three juries and have never had to be in court on a Friday.

And, if the usual pattern follows, I will get another summons in 7-10 months and will be able to use the one year exemption.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CIV

12:19 p.m. - A business on the 100 block of Mill Street reported three male juveniles came in wanting to sell diamonds. The clerk refused and then called police because the trio seemed suspicious. Officers were unable to locate the juveniles.

[Juvenile diamond sellers? A change from belligerent door-to-door meat salesmen I suppose.]

12:48 a.m. - A woman from the 20000 block of Penn Valley Drive reported that the headlights of her Jeep, which was parked in the driveway, came on and then turned off by themselves. She wanted officers to check it out.

[We'll get right on that.]

12:12 p.m. - A man from the 22000 block of Rambling Oaks Drive reported that someone had entered his house and a file cabinet and a George Foreman grill were missing.

[Somebody else is eating healthier now.]

9:39 a.m. - A man from the 200 block of Dorsey Drive reported his mentally disabled brother was having difficulty breathing due to the smoky air. The person was referred to the California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection.

[And what is the CDF supposed to do for somebody having trouble breathing? "Oh, hey, my brother is coughing a lot, could you put out those fires faster, please?]

4:06 p.m. - A person came into the police department with gun ammunition, which was destroyed.

[Right there in front of them? I'd like to see that!]

12 a.m. - A caller saw a woman in a nightgown or a hospital gown pushing a shopping cart on Dorsey Drive.

[Well, it is hot out, and those gowns are nice and breezy.]

2:34 p.m. - A woman from the 10000 block of Carriage Road reported she recalled she had a restraining order against her husband, whom she had allowed to stay at her residence for the past two years. The woman said she wanted her husband removed from her house. She was told that the police were uncomfortable enforcing an order she had disregarded for the past two years.

[Hey, I just remembered, I have a restraining order against you! Get out!]

1:05 p.m. - The Grass Valley Library reported a van with the word "Psychic," written on it had been in a handicapped parking spot for more than 24 hours. The situation was turned over to the parking officer.

[I wonder if they saw that coming?]

2:07 p.m. - A caller said they lost their glasses while at the Greenwood Cemetery.

[And you want the police to do what?]

3:20 p.m. - A two car accident on Race Street produced no injuries.

[They call it Race Street for a reason I guess.]

2:06 p.m. - A woman called from the 14000 block of Tanglefoot Court reporting that her neighbor has been videotaping her for about three years. She was seeking advice on what she could do about the situation.

[Restraining order.]

4:52 p.m. - A woman called from the 10000 block of Palm Court reporting that her boyfriend was threatening her for having his wallet. She said she couldn't give him back his wallet as it would be a violation of probation.

[One serious wallet.]

6:58 p.m. - A woman who made a 911 call from the 11000 block of Combie Road reported she was teaching her kids how to dial the emergency number.

[A proponent of practical instruction!]

10:10 a.m. - A caller from Finley and Spring streets reported a vehicle parked in the middle of the street with the back end parked in the caller's garden.

[No alcohol involved there, I'm sure!]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Farewell, Fake Steve Jobs!

So many great things in life are fleeting. Brilliant and fresh and there at just the right moment in time.

And such was The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs.

Started by Daniel Lyons as a joke to amuse some friends, it grew a cult following spurred not only by the great writing, but by the mystery of who was really doing the writing.

The insight into life in Silicon Valley and the industry out here was outstanding. And the influence it had was incredible. Friends of mine at Sun Microsystems say that everybody there knows who you mean when you say, "My Little Pony."

But the time has passed. Mr. Lyons has hung up the persona of Fake Steve and is moving on to other things.

Fans of the site will miss it dearly, but all things pass.

Another bright spot on the internet , it will soon fade from memory for most of us. And in a few years somebody will bring it up and those that do remember will say, "Wow, has it been that long since Fake Steve Jobs shut down?" the way I even now think about how it has been nine years since The Dysfunctional Family Circus was taken down.

It seems like only yesterday.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CIII

1:46 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Neal Street reported juveniles riding their bikes in a precarious manner in the parking lot in front of the caller's business. They have been told to leave and have not, the caller said. Officers contacted the juveniles and they left.

[Precarious bicycle riding, a first for the blotter.]

4:25 p.m. - A caller from the intersection of Packard Drive and Brighton Street reported that a man had punched his mailbox. Officers cited and released the 20-year-old man for vandalism.

[Some insult/injury going on there, unless the mail box was made out of papier mache.]

2:14 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Idaho-Maryland Road reported a man and woman arguing in a vehicle with three children in it. The couple drove away on the Golden Center Freeway before officers could respond.

[Sounds like a normal scene from my childhood. I would have to guess that the subject of "asking for directions" had been broached.]

7:11 p.m. - A Church Street caller in a wheelchair reported being chased by five subjects and a large dog who were all screaming for her to stay home. Responding officers determined it was simply an argument.

[Good, as I was strongly considering "performance art" as the answer.]

1:40 p.m. - A man from 10000 block of Cement Hill Road reported vandalism to a mailbox and offered to preserve forensic evidence if needed.

[Grass Valley CSI will get the FBI lab will get right on that.]

8:53 p.m. - A caller from Washington Street overpass reported juveniles dropping caution cones on cars below.

[I should collect a series of "dropping things from the overpass" entries. This is what happens when you build an overpass in a small town.]

10 a.m. - A caller from the 11000 block of Pamela Drive reported that a garbage truck had knocked down a power line across the road. Waste Management was notified about the incident.

[I might have called PG&E.]

1:52 p.m. - A caller from the 800 block of East Main Street reported being threatened by her sister if she didn't drop charges against her.

[Family life!]

8:45 p.m. - A caller from the 200 block of Sutton Way said his roommates had terminated power to his room and he could not find the landlord. Responding officers learned from one of the roommates that the caller had threatened his life. Officers eventually determined it was a civil issue.

[Sounds more like an uncivil issue.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CII

4:22 p.m. - A woman called from the 600 block of Brighton Street to report her neighbor told her a woman in a white Ford Explorer was taking pictures of her dogs. The woman in the SUV refused to tell the neighbor what she was doing and left the area. Patrol officers were advised.

[I suspect those people at I Has A Hotdog]

7:58 p.m. - A caller from the 200 block of Broad Street reported she was punched in the side of the head by a 20- to 30-year-old heavy-set man with bleached blonde hair. The man had been seen sleeping on a bench about 30 minutes before.

[Didn't we read about this last time?]

11:55 a.m. - A large emu was reported running amuck on Freeman Lane. Officers caught the animal.

[More rogue emu as well.]

10:50 a.m. - A business on the 400 block of Idaho-Maryland Road reported finding narcotics in a patrol vehicle they were working on.

[An LAPD level of evidence handling there. Or was that for recreational use?]

2:55 p.m. - A caller from the 16800 block of Kiwi Road reported that someone had tapped into their NID pipe and were stealing all their water.

[Not just some of their water but ALL of their water. I think, in that case, it isn't a tap any more.]

11:33 a.m. - A caller from the business on the 1200 block of Main Street reported counterfeit $5 bills.

[Now that is low budget. It has to cost that much in time, effort, and ink to make a fake bill.]

2:30 p.m. - A caller from the 400 block of Neal Street reported the neighbor's dog had been barking all day. An officer located the dog, which was stuck in a ditch, and freed it. The dog was no longer barking.

[A little bit of effort.]

6:39 a.m. - A caller from a store on the 800 block of Sutton Way reported a man wearing a plaid shirt and white tennis shoes was demanding free items from store employees and he was refusing to leave. Police contacted the 59-year-old man and told him to leave the store.

[Yeah, we've all seen him in the store before.]

10:49 a.m. - A caller from a store on the 700 block of Sutton Way reported two people climbed into the window of a green van. The caller thought the people were trying to steal the van. Police determined one of the people was the owner of the van, which was having mechanical problems.

[Mechanical problems including the keys being locked inside?]

7:19 p.m. - A mother called from the 11000 block of Lower Circle Road to report a person was under the influence of alcohol and mushrooms. The woman requested deputies arrive without a siren. Deputies determined the person was not under the influence of a controlled substance, but had been drinking. The mother would call back if the person continued to cause a disturbance.

[Things are bad enough around here without having you roar up with the sirens blaring.]

8:53 p.m. - A caller from the 19000 block of Victoria Drive reported a very drunk person was attempting to leave the residence. The caller hid the keys, but it appeared the person was trying to hot-wire a white Ford Taurus. A deputy determined the person had gone to sleep for the evening.

[I think that would be more accurately termed "passed out" for the evening.]

12:44 p.m. - A caller from the 17000 block of Lasso Loop reported a drunken woman was passed out on the floor. The woman was being combative. The woman was transported to the hospital.

[It is hard to be on the floor drunk and believably combative at the same time.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Shades of Soylent Green

I read in the news that the man who designed the packaging for Pringles potato chips passed away. Of course, what really caught my eye was how his ashes were stored:

CINCINNATI - The man who designed the Pringles potato crisp packaging system was so proud of his accomplishment that a portion of his ashes has been buried in one of the iconic cans.

This immediately made me imagine some distant future when some archiologist uncovers his sealed crypt and finds a potato chip can. Taking it back to the lab for analysis, they review the results with horror:

"It's people! Pringles were made out of people! They made their food out of people!"

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. CI

6:38 p.m. - A woman called from the 200 block of Mill Street to report her neighbor's Chihuahua bit her shoe. The woman was told to contact Animal Control.

[What was the damage to the shoe?]

7:53 p.m. - A woman called from the 100 block of Townsend Street to report her husband was not allowing her to leave with their children. It sounded as if the two were fighting, then the line went dead. Police arrested the 33-year-old man on suspicion of destroying or removing a wireless communication device.

[We have stepped into the modern age and beyond merely damaging telephone equipment.]

2:24 a.m. - A caller from the 600 block of Walsh Street reported a woman was screaming about money. Police contacted a drunk woman inside her home. Police told the woman to stay inside and to keep it down.

[Pipe down lady, we've all got our own troubles.]

8:36 p.m. - A woman called from the 800 block of Freeman Lane to report cars were racing three abreast on Freeman Lane. The woman called back to say a juvenile just vomited in front of her residence. Police checked the area extensively and were unable to locate the juvenile or drivers.

[Or the vomit?]

7:23 a.m. - A man called from the 23000 block of St. Helena Drive to report his dog brought home what appeared to be a crack pipe. The caller would dispose of the item.

[When animals do drugs....]

8:26 p.m. - A caller from the 200 block of Sutton Way reported hearing a man making "animal like" sounds behind a business. Police arrested the 43-year-old man on suspicion of inhaling chemicals for the purpose of intoxication.

[Like an animal doing drugs.]

8:24 p.m. - CHP officers reported seven loose dogs were running in traffic on Highway 49 at Oak Tree Road. An Animal Control officer responded and was unable to corral the dogs. The dogs were causing an extreme traffic hazard, and the officer was not able to get ahold of Animal Control administration to get permission to kill the dogs. The officer would return the following day after contacting administration.

[Another example of the massive amounts of red tape in the bush.]

5:19 p.m. - A caller said liquidation signs were illegally posted on Sutton Way at Brunswick Road and the caller was tired of looking at them. An officer called the person.

[And could you talk the guy across the street into paint his place a nicer color?]

9:49 a.m. - A caller from a convenience store on the 100 block of Hughes Road reported a sign was stolen earlier in the morning.

[One sign...]

11:41 a.m. - A caller from a gas station on the 2000 block of Nevada City Highway reported a sign was stolen. Police took a report for petty theft.

[Two signs...]

1:21 p.m. - A caller from a gas station on the 1000 block of Nevada City Highway reported a sign was stolen. Police took a report for grand theft.

[Three signs... I am going to guess that each of these places was selling gas that had just gone past $4 a gallon.]

12:29 p.m. - A woman called from the 900 block of East Main Street to report her twin sister assaulted her. Police contacted both women and cited one on suspicion of assault.

[No possibility for confusion in this situation!]

8:22 p.m. - A man called from the 11000 block of Tyler Foote Crossing Road to report his granddaughter vandalized his property and bit his wife. A deputy took a report.

[Kids these days.]

2:44 p.m. - A caller from a business on the 100 block of Olympia Park Road reported a man known for inhaling paint fumes just tried to buy paint. A patrol officer was advised.

[What do you have to do to become a known inhaler of paint fumes... well, aside from inhale a lot of paint fumes.]

12:45 a.m. - A caller from a store on the 1000 block of Sutton Way reported a man known for huffing paint fumes was in the store. The man left before police arrived. Police advised the caller to get a restraining order.

[Well, that is the sort of thing you get when you're open all night. I wonder how many other places this guy tried to get paint over the past 10 hours.]

10:52 a.m. - A caller from the 18000 block of Fair Oaks Drive reported activities happening in a residence involving "young males who are wearing the same color clothes." A deputy contacted the caller.

[Activities like what? Team sports?]

7:32 p.m. - A man called from a store on the 1000 block of Sutton Way to report he was urinating behind the business when a man in his 40s came up behind him and scared him. Police checked the area and could not find the man

[Yeah, I was urinating in public when somebody scared me. How does that get called in?]

5:25 p.m. - A caller reported one of his clients with mental health issues was planning to drive a car through a house in Penn Valley with the intention of killing someone. A deputy determined the intended victim did not feel threatened. The person was advised to call 911 if the person came on the property.

[Better put that on speed dial, just in case he is going really fast.]

3:20 p.m. - A male public works employee called from the 400 block of Nimrod Street to report a drunk man was near the playground area at Pioneer Park. The man's pants had fallen down. Police located the 45-year-old man lying in the horseshoe area and arrested him on suspicion of indecent exposure. It did not appear that the man was intentionally exposing himself, police said.

[And to think that I saw it on Nimrod Street.]

5:13 p.m. - A caller from Frontage Road off McKnight Way reported an emu was in the road. Police chased the emu and cornered it until Animal Control responded and took the emu into custody. It was unknown where the emu was from.

[Australia! The zoo! Harrods!]

12:02 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Argall Way reported a man was behind a business huffing paint. Police arrested the 43-year-old man on suspicion of possessing nitrous oxide.

[Well, it sounds like he finally got some sort of fix.]

7:58 p.m. - A caller from the 200 block of Broad Street reported a man who had been sleeping on a bench hit a female in the head. The female said the man also hit all of her friends in the head. No one wanted to file a complaint.

[I am going to guess that these hits were not big, full wind-up, haymakers then.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. C

4:44 a.m. - A woman called from the hospital emergency room to report she was being refused treatment. The woman wanted an officer to tell the doctors to give her pain medication. The woman was advised that was not something that could be done.

[Police powers do not extend quite that far.]

2:23 p.m. - A woman from the 10000 block of Westhill Drive reported a man was cutting weeds on her property in violation of a restraining order.

[Me, I would be happy at somebody cutting my weeds, but there is obviously a history here.]

6:57 p.m. - A caller reported a bull was loose on Rough and Ready Highway at Highway 20. The CHP would respond. The bull was corralled.

[Makes a change from the cows in the road.]

6:12 p.m. - A man called from the 16000 block of Oscar Drive saying he thought someone had been inside his residence and canceled his vacation booked online. Nothing else in the residence had been disturbed, he said.

[When travel agents go bad? Or how to cover up the fact that you did not hit the "submit" button?]

10:59 a.m. Sunday ­ A man called from the 10000 block of Pekolee Drive to report neighborhood children had been throwing rocks at his goats. The man posted signs in the neighborhood about it and the children left a vulgar message on his answering machine. A deputy contacted the father of the child who allegedly left the message. The father said he had no knowledge of his son making the call.

[Fun times on Pekolee Drive.]

2:51 a.m. today ­ A woman called from the 24000 block of Ridge Top Court to report a large bear was in her goat pen. A deputy contacted the woman, who said the bear had left.

[With or without some goats?]

11:46 p.m. - A caller reported people were lighting batons on fire in the Commercial Street parking lot. Police advised people not to light things on fire.

[Twirlers gone wild.]

11:56 p.m. - A caller reported people were still lighting things on fire. Police stood by as the people gathered their things and left the area.

[Twirlers sent home.]

9:30 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Castlemont Drive reported a person who possibly had mental health issues was ranting about communism.

[Was he ranting for or against?]

2:48 a.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Cypress Hill Drive reported a person was looking into vehicles in the area. Police contacted the person, who was delivering newspapers.

[There is no reason he might not have a petty theft hobby. All those unlocked cars in Nevada County.]

10:01 p.m. - A man from the 10000 block of Wolf Road reported he had been drinking and he needed to turn himself in on a local warrant. Deputies arrested the man.

[See what happens when you drink?]

9:09 p.m. - A caller from Bennett Street reported two men were driving around the neighborhood selling meat. An officer was advised.

[More meat salesmen "on the hoof" as it were.]

6:30 p.m. - A caller from the 11000 block of Squirrel Creek Road reported a girl was acting "odd" and she may have been a runaway. A deputy arrested the juvenile on suspicion of truancy.

[Was she supposed to be in class at 6:30pm?]

10:13 a.m. - A caller reported that a man with a backpack was lighting incense and waving it around on Church Street. Police could not find the man.

[Could they tell where he had been by the scent?]

10:42 a.m. - A caller said vandals smeared peanut butter on her property at Pleasant Hill Road and suspects it might be a neighbor.

[Something else that has to have a history. I just want to know where on her property the peanut butter was spread.]

12:47 a.m. - A caller reported that four juveniles wearing white shirts and black shorts and other juveniles wearing black clothing were climbing on walls at a business on Plaza Drive. Police made contact with the juveniles who said they were making a "superhero video." They were told to go home.

[At nearly 1am I hope they were at the 17-year old end of the juvenile spectrum.]

1:37 p.m. - A caller complained about skateboarders at a Combie Road business. The skateboarders were warned and told to leave.

[Skateboarding gets you a yellow card?]

5:25 p.m. - A caller said she left her home after getting into a fight with a male during a children's birthday party at a home on Combie Road.

[When kid's parties turn ugly.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Truncated Headline of the Day

Confirmed: Ted Kennedy has a brain!



Judging from the associated picture, the news is being greeted with much enthusiasm.

Good of Obama to be there in Ted's moment of triumph.

Nice work there Yahoo!

Chow Mein Quick Meal

Now with artificial beef! Truly the best of all possible meals.

Read about it here.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XCVIX

1:03 a.m. - A man called from the 1000 block of East Main Street and reported a rape, murder and possible cannibalism in Sacramento County. The man said he had taken medication and he did not want officers to respond. The man, who sounded drunk, called back again. Police contacted the man and referred him to Sacramento County authorities.

[Possible cannibalism in Sacramento?! Well, it is the state capital and all.]

10:18 p.m. - A woman called to report she was solicited for donations for the Nevada City Fire Department. A deputy took a report.

[And who are you going to call when the Police Officers Association is looking for donations?]

10:20 a.m. - A woman in the police station lobby was asking for a shower. An officer referred her to Hospitality House.

[Well, if it anything like Fire Station #1 in San Jose, they probably have very nice showering facilities.]

8:56 a.m. - A woman reported her neighbor on the 12000 block of Polaris Drive was stealing water from her NID connection. A deputy took a report for malicious injury to a reservoir.

[Phrase of the day, "malicious injury to a reservoir."]

5:04 p.m. Sunday ­ A man called from Beyers Lane to report his son saw a yellow object fall from the sky. His son thought it might have been a plane, but he wasn’t sure. Deputies would not respond unless there was more information or additional callers. There were no additional reports of a yellow object falling from the sky.

[The deputies are wising up.]

6:42 p.m. - A caller from a school on the 11000 block of Ridge Road reported a balding man with a dog was exposing himself in front of students. A deputy took a report and advised the man about trespassing.

[Somehow I do not think that trespassing was the key issue here.]

8:33 a.m. - A woman called from the 13000 block of Ridge Road to report the possible theft of Christmas decorations. She said she saw some reindeer that looked like hers in her neighbor's backyard. A deputy determined the claim was unfounded.

[The neighbors just have the same crappy reindeer that you do. Yet I can picture the woman fretting over the thought that those were HER reindeer.]

8:49 a.m. - A caller from a business on the 11000 block of Squirrel Creek Road reported a man took travel-size containers of vodka. Another caller reported the man was darting in and out of bushes near a school. Deputies arrested the man on suspicion of theft.

[The visual images that some words bring up can never meet the reality. When you tap loudly on their tank, tiny fish will dart. A guy with a few mini-bottles of vodka in him, he does not dart.]

1:57 a.m. - A caller from Main Street reported a man on the ground surrounded by several people standing around him.

[Great moments in redundant phraseology.]

12:07 p.m. - A man called from the 100 block of Conaway Avenue to report he signed a loan agreement with an out-of-state company and he sent them his payment and other charges in advance, but he has not received the initial loan amount. Police took a report.

[Were they based in Nigeria?]

5:52 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Joerschke Drive reported a woman in her late 20s was cutting flowers. The caller said the woman claimed she is the gardener, however, she is not. Police checked the area and were unable to locate the woman.

[Impersination of a gardener.]

12:30 p.m. ­ A caller from the 11000 block of Pleasant Valley Road reported theft of car keys from an unlocked vehicle. A deputy contacted the caller, who was unsure if the keys were lost or stolen.

[A new low, theft of keys from an unlocked car... unless, of course, they're just lost.]

1:35 p.m. - A man called from the 18000 block of Larsen Road to report his son left home last night without permission, and he had returned. The caller wanted his son cited. A deputy cited the juvenile on suspicion of habitual disobedience or truancy.

[Habitual disobedience is some sort of crime? I have GOT to look into that!]

1:32 p.m. ­ The San Francisco Police Department transferred a call from a woman who told dispatchers she lives in Grass Valley, and she had a gun to her head. The woman hung up before Grass Valley dispatchers could talk to her. It was unknown where the woman lived. Patrol officers were advised of the call.

[She was from Grass Valley, so the SFPD transferred her? But then it seems nobody knew where she actually was at the moment, though if her 911 call was routed to SF, then she probably wasn't in Nevada County.]

11:28 p.m. - Several callers reported seeing strange lights in the sky. Police determined it was lightning.

[Again, no UFOs.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XCVIII

1:43 p.m. - A woman from the 200 block of Fairmont Drive reported fraud. A person claiming to be with PG&E left her a message telling her to send a key to her house. An officer contacted the woman and would follow up.

[Just mail us a key, please. I wonder how often that works?]

3:06 p.m. - A caller reported 75 people were coming into town Wednesday for an event at Condon Park that was canceled because to park is closed due to vandalism. The people do not know the park is closed. The event was supposed to be from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. An officer would follow up.

[We're going to need a bigger sign.]

3:35 p.m. - A caller reported hearing a "fully-automatic machine gun" being fired for the last 20 minutes in the Greenhorn Creek area. Deputies admonished people for trespassing.

[No machine guns?]

9:34 a.m. - A woman from Zion Street reported a boyfriend dumped garbage all over the house the previous night, and he keeps mercury in the freezer. The boyfriend ingests the mercury daily because he believes he is a yogi and will save the world from destruction. The caller said there are no weapons in the house. An officer contacted the caller.

[The garbage thing doesn't sound very yogi-esque, unless we're talking Yogi the Bear.]

6:30 p.m. - A woman called from the 12000 block of Burma Road to report her husband's father was at her house yelling at her because his son was in jail for domestic violence. The woman wanted the father-in-law to leave. A deputy separated the two. No crime was committed.
[The Acorns doesn't fall far from the tree and all that I guess.]

9:56 a.m. - A screaming caller from 11300 block of Torrey Pines Drive reported a subject was refusing to let him leave the home with his dog. The caller then refused to answer any questions and hung up.

[What is a dispatcher to do?]

2:21 a.m. - John B. Newton, Jr., of Nevada City, was arrested for driving under the influence and having a concealed dagger. Bail was set at $11,316.

[Not just a knife, but a dagger!]

4:28 a.m. - A caller from the 18700 block of Meadowlark Court reported that when she awoke, she found knives in her couches

[If they had been daggers, I would have pointed her at John B. Newton, Jr.]

12:42 p.m. - A man calling from the 14100 block of Mount Auburn Circle said he woke up about 45 minutes ago with a strange woman in his bed. The caller said he was intoxicated and has no idea how the woman got into his residence. He said he had been drinking for the past day and doesn't exactly now how much he has had to drink. He then stated there were multiple people in the house, including some very strong transsexuals. Responding deputies found nothing and will refer the case to the man's son.

[Very strong transsexuals? Strong in what sense?]

2:31 a.m. - A caller from Francis Drive reported hearing screaming, yelling, banging and possibly even gunfire in the area. Responding officers discovered a juvenile party.

[It was either that or the track meet got a very early start.]

3:45 a.m. - A caller from a Nevada City Highway business reported a man at a business parking lot got out of a vehicle with no pants on, got into the back and put a pair of knit shorts on. The man told responding officers he was unaware anyone was watching him.

[No field sobriety test administered? What, was he a Kennedy?]

11:11 a.m. - Police contacted a 54-year-old man lying in a ditch on East Main Street. Police called an ambulance for the man and took a report for possession of a weapon not immediately recognizable as a firearm.

[A knife is a weapon not immediately recognizable as a gun, but I imagine they meant a firearm of some sort. Did he have some sort of CIA spy weapon?]

8:27 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Brentwood reported that one of her roommate's children threw her cell phone over a fence.

[And what were the police to do? Put the children in time out?]

6:03 p.m. - A caller from the 200 block of North School Street reported a squirrel was running around and around in circles for over an hour. The caller was worried the squirrel might be rabid. An Animal Control officer advised police it is breeding season for squirrels, which would explain the behavior.

[Running around in circles never helped me during the breeding season.]

9:39 a.m. - A deputy stopped a vehicle on Highway 49 at John Barleycorn Road and arrested a person on suspicion of possession of a weapon not immediately recognizable as a gun and driving with a suspended license.

[More weapons not immediately recognizable as guns. Is this something new from The sharper Image?]

11:39 a.m. - A woman called to report her truck caught fire in the Pelton Mine parking lot. Two men flagged her down and put the fire out for her. They offered to fix the electrical problem, but told her they would need $500 first. They fixed the problem and told the woman they needed $300 more. An officer would contact the men.

[They must have been general contractors... or Nigerians.]

4:16 p.m. - A caller from the 200 block of North Church Street reported that while he tried to work on the property, his tenant threatened him. Police went to the apartment and located a large amount of marijuana. Police took a report. No arrest was made.

[Police took a report? Now we at least know why the tenant was agitated.]

11:46 a.m. - A caller from a school on the 11000 block of Colfax Highway reported feces were outside the bathroom door.

[Wouldn't this be something for the janitor?]

1:18 p.m. - Deputies were looking for a man with brown hair and green eyes, driving a green Toyota Rav 4. The man was off his medication and delusional. He believes the devil is coming and there will be a battle for control. The man had been frequenting a business in Roseville, and the employees were afraid his behavior might escalate to violence. The man is known to frequent the Grass Valley area.

[Where he seems to fit right in.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XCVII

8:38 a.m. - A caller from South Auburn Street near La Barr Meadows Drive reported a suspicious-looking man was carrying a large gun.

[I think, unless you are in law enforcement, carrying a large gun automatically makes you suspicious.]

11:45 a.m. - A caller from a store on the 100 block of West McKnight Way reported a person collecting signatures for a petition was yelling over her while she also collected signatures for a petition, and she felt it was harassment.

[Were they conflicting petitions, or was this some "zero sum" signature paranoia? "Oh no, I'm getting used signatures!"]

5:31 p.m. - A woman called from the 100 block of Stacey Lane to report her neighbors, all young men, were playing loud music and they refused to turn it down. She asked them to clean up the beer bottles in their front yard and they would not. They hung a swastika in their front window facing her home, and when she complained and said it was offensive, one of the men lifted his shirt to expose a swastika tattoo, she said. He said he liked the history of the swastika. An officer contacted the woman.

[Think of these guys when you have problems with your neighbors. Things could be worse.]

12:20 a.m. - Three callers from Race Street reported hearing a fight and a gunshot. Police contacted several people. The activity was shut down for the night and everyone was going home. No arrests were made.

[The "fighting and shooting guns" activity?]

11:07 a.m. - A caller from Tyler Foote Crossing Road reported a large cow was in the roadway.

[A large cow. Not one of those indoor cows that the Hollywood celebs are so fond of these days.]

3:15 p.m. - A deputy contacted an ice cream truck driver on the 11000 block of Highway 174. The deputy was following up on a report Wednesday of loud music.

[Still no answer on the laws covering ice cream truck music though.]

6:24 p.m. - A caller from a motel on the 900 block of Sutton Way reported someone stole gasoline tanks of cars that belonged to guests. No one wanted to file a report.

[Somebody is stealing gasoline tanks of cars!?! gasoline "from" tanks of cars. You'll see a lot more of that as the price of gas rises.]

8:48 p.m. - A caller from the 300 block of Northstar Place reported neighbors were playing loud music, they had been drinking and they were making inappropriate noises. Police contacted the people who be staying inside.

[We be taking our inappropriate noises indoors!]

10:04 a.m. - A man called from the 100 block of Chester Street to report finding a number of purses and car parts that had been thrown in his yard last night. He believed the items may have been stolen. Police responded and retrieved a hat and two empty zipper pouches.

[Something does not add up.]

2:25 p.m. - a caller from the 22000 block of Queequog Lane reported theft of a doghouse.

[Dog house theft. Things have gotten bad. But cheers for street names that are literary references, even if they are misspelled.]

4:27 p.m. - A caller reported a road rage incident that started on Highway 20 between Penn Valley and Grass Valley. A person driving a blue Honda Matrix followed the caller home. The person in the Matrix left, and the CHP was notified.

[Toyota. Toyota makes the Matrix, not Honda.]

10:14 p.m. - A caller from Pheasant Road reported promiscuous shooting in a back yard. A person denied having firearms and denied shooting.

[Our parents warned us about promiscuous shooting! Plus, when in doubt, deny everything.]

6:35 p.m. - A caller from Gray Oak Drive reported 20 horses were in the roadway. Animal Control would respond in 30 minutes. An Animal Control officer was unable to locate the horses.

[Twenty seems like a lot of horses to miss, even in the tricky glow of twilight.]

2:19 p.m. - A woman called from the 100 block of North Pine Street to report a man said he would kill any other men the woman dated. She said the man told her he has killed before. Police took a report.

[Again, without context, I picture this guy showing up out of nowhere with this.]

8:52 p.m. - The GVFD responded to a report of a person stuck in the bath tub. Firefighters located the stuck occupant and extricated her from the tub. The woman suffered no injuries.

[No physical injuries. I imagine being stuck in the tub would be a bit humiliating.]

12:37 p.m. - A bus driver reported a man was drinking alcohol in a bus stop shelter on the 700 block of Sutton Way. Police cited a 48-year-old man on suspicion of having an open container of alcohol.

1:46 p.m. - A caller from the 200 block of East Main Street reported a man was jumping in and out of traffic and yelling at cars. Police contacted the same 48-year-old man they cited earlier at the bus stop shelter and advised him to move on.

[We haven't seen anybody jumping in and out of traffic for a while... or a multi-part story.]

3:19 p.m. - A caller reported a man was walking on Colfax Avenue holding a baby car seat. Police were unable to locate the man.

[You can't walk around here holding just anything you know!]

6:23 a.m. - A man called from the 100 block of Ruby Ledge Court to report that when he went outside in the morning, he found an extra bag of garbage next to his garbage can. Police determined the bag contained garbage.

[Case solved!]

8:24 a.m. - A man from School Street reported his neighbor was throwing trash into his yard.

[We will believe it is trash when the police determine it to be so!]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XCVI

4:03 p.m. - A woman called from a parking lot at Sierra College to report two passengers, both with white beards, had been threatening her and taking money from the till.

[Bad Santa... er... Santas.]

5:44 p.m. - A caller from School Street reported a man wearing a baseball hat that said "Police" on it walked into a classroom that the caller was cleaning, then headed down Dalton Street. Police located the man on South Auburn Street and told him not to wear his hat. He headed home.

[No hat for you!]

8:52 a.m. - A caller reported a tall, thin man wearing glasses was at the Sierra College bus stop throwing rocks at cars.

[The Thin Man Lashes Out!]

10:02 p.m. - A caller from the 11000 block of Mooney Flat Road reported a person was causing an argument and throwing cheese in her eye. A man at the house also called. He sounded as if he had been drinking, and he said a woman was throwing cheese all over the house and his wife was acting "nutso." The man said the fight was not physical. A woman said "yes" in the background. A deputy determined the fight was not physical. No arrests were made.

[Cheese related violence is relatively rare outside of France.]

3:09 p.m. - A caller from the 12000 block of Creek View Drive reported a neighbor threw a branch and a rock into the roadway while the caller was driving by, damaging the caller's vehicle. Deputies arrested a person on suspicion of drunken driving.

[Was it the person who called in? That would be ironic.]

1:48 p.m. - A caller reported a person was lying in the dirt by a fence at Veterans Memorial Park. Police checked on the person, who was just enjoying the sun.

[Just catching some rays.]

11:34 p.m. - A caller reported a man wrapped in a blanket was walking very slowly on Kate Hayes Street. The caller thought police should check on him. Police contacted the 19-year-old man, who was fine and was not drunk. He had walked to the store and he was cold, so he used a blanket.

[We are always suspicious of the different.]

1:54 a.m. - A 49-year-old woman at the police station lobby reported running out of gas on the freeway. She requested a ride back to the vehicle, which police provided.

[With some gas in hand I assume. And how did she get to the police station if she needed a ride back?]

8:10 p.m. - A caller from the 11000 block of Marjon Drive reported a man came and out of the bushes and was hitchhiking. The caller said the man "doesn't fit the look of the neighborhood." A deputy took a report.

[You do not meet the minimum requirements to hide in these bushes.]

3:38 p.m. - A caller from the 15000 block of Monte Vista Drive reported multiple fireworks going off near her residence. An officer admonished the people with the fireworks and told them to destroy the remaining fireworks.

[By setting them off?]

1:24 p.m. - A man called from the 16000 block of Ophir Silver Road to report a man ripped five of his trees out of the ground.

[I'd let the police handle a guy who could rip trees out of the ground. Hulk no like digger pines!]

6:41 p.m. - A woman called from the 18000 block of Biladeau Lane to report flip flops were missing from her porch and Vicodin was missing from her house.

[Flip flops? Is there a category below "petty theft?"]

7:02 p.m. - A man called from the 10000 block of Dixon Road to report a woman tore his shirt and punched him in the mouth. A deputy took a report for battery.

[One of the odd things about the blotter is the complete lack of context, so you often picture people doing these things out of the blue, with no reason or provocation.]

5:23 p.m. - A caller from a triplex on the 300 block of First Street reported there was no running water. The owner of the residence said he paid the water bill last week. Public Works was advised, then called police back to say the bill had not been paid.

[And why did he call the police in the first place?]

3:09 p.m. - A caller from a school on the 11000 block of Highway 174 reported an ice cream truck was coming to the campus before class let out and the male driver was blasting music. The caller asked the man not to park in the school parking lot. The driver parked across the street and was still disrupting class.

[What is the law regarding the music from ice cream trucks? Are there any regulations?]

3:07 p.m. - A caller from the 700 block of Zion Street reported two uncooperative shoplifters were in custody. Police arrested the juveniles on suspicion of shoplifting and possession of a beverage by a minor.

[We do prefer our shoplifters to be cooperative, ideally so cooperative that they do not bother to steal anything at all. Also, I suppose we can assume it was an alcoholic beverage.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)