Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXXI

[Not much from the blotter of late, the citizens of Nevada County having set themselves to drunken driving, spousal abuse, and serious bodily harm for the holidays, none of which make for humor.]

3:23 p.m. - A man called from a parking lot on the 100 block of Olympia Park Road to report someone put a nail in his wife's car tire. Police determined no vandalism occurred.

[I want to see somebody "put" a nail in a tire.]

4:53 p.m. - A caller from a gas station on Hughes Road reported a possible drunken driver in a blue Toyota truck almost drove into oncoming traffic. Police contacted the driver and determined the person had not been drinking. Police counseled the person on driving skills.

[Sometimes we just suck.]

2:49 p.m. - A caller from Champion Road reported a man on the roadway was saying that rocks were actually dead people. Deputies arrested the man on suspicion of being under the influence of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia.

[So we're okay about the rocks then? How about the Rockies? After they went down in four, maybe.]

7:03 p.m. - A caller from Butterfly Drive reported a woman was in her backyard with a knife. The 911 call was lost because a circuit was down. The fire department was advised of the report. An officer was with the woman, and she had put the knife down. Officers determined the report was unfounded.

[I'm confused. Who had what? And what about the butterfly?]

12:22 a.m. - A caller from a business on the 12000 block of Sutton Way reported that a man with dreadlocks had just stolen some beef jerky.

[There is a "Rastafarian/Oh Boy, Oberto!" joke in there somewhere.]

9:50 a.m. - A caller from the 300 block of Northstar Place reported a fight at a neighbor's residence. Responding officers found a couple who were attempting to give their children a bath."

[I wish I could said I hadn't been down that road myself....]

11 a.m. - A caller from Highway 20 at the eastbound Highway 49 overcross reported a black handgun was in the middle of a lane, and no one was in the area. Police checked the area and located a license plate. Police would return the plate to the Department of Motor Vehicles.

[But no gun? Or was the plate in some way gun shaped? Was it a Florida plate?]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXX

1:56 p.m. - A man called from Kings Beach in Placer County and reported finding a spinal cord. He took it home with him and was not sure if it was human or not. He wanted law enforcement to contact him. A deputy took a courtesy miscellaneous incident report, which would be forwarded to Placer County law enforcement.

[A spinal cord? How did he identify it? Why did he take it? Why call the police at this point? I bet he's retired.]

1:05 p.m. ­ A person from the Grass Valley area dropped off a purse into the Police department’s lost and found box. The man said the purse was left in his vehicle, but he does not remember which party it may have belonged to. The purse is a black "Playboy" purse with a Playboy bunny on the front with rhinestones.

[Classy. I am sure there was a rush to the police department once this was published.]

9 a.m. ­ A man from the 300 block of First Street reported that when he went to check on a residence that was supposed to be vacant, he found a woman in the bathroom. She left out the window.

[No suspicious at all. I am sure she just had to go badly.]

3:58 p.m. ­ A caller from 10000 block of Pleasant Valley Road reported dogs attacked her emu.

[Any entry with an emu gets reposted here. Same goes for dingos and any other species indigenous to Australia.]

11:13 p.m. ­ A caller from Alta Sierra reported three to four juveniles using orange cones to divert traffic off the road.

[Bonus points if they were directing traffice to a) a fake toll booth b) a cliff with a tunnel painted on it.]

3:58 p.m. ­ California Highway Patrol reported receiving a call from a woman with slurred speech who stated, "we are stuck here." Authorities were unable to call the woman back. After playing back a recording of the phone call, law enforcement discovered the woman was walking at Malakoff Diggins. State Park reported having a resident ranger at the park to help.

[Were they able to decipher her speech, or is there something distinctive about the sounds at Malakoff Diggings?]

10:26 a.m. - Someone called 911 from the 12000 block of Slate Creek Road, then hung up. Dispatchers determined a dog accidentally made the call.

[Bad dog! I said pizza, not police!]

6:34 p.m. - A caller from the 10000 block of Littlejohn Lane reported a woman made harassing phone calls and dropped off a box with two kittens inside, stating the kittens belonged to the caller's daughter. The woman also allegedly left notes calling the daughter names. A deputy would contact the caller.

[They must have been LOLcats. They bring out the worst in people.]

1:50 a.m. - A woman reported someone had been taking pictures of her, and she saw two people in her backyard. The woman could not provide the dispatcher with her address. The dispatcher told her to call 911 so her address would show up. Police contacted the woman on the 1000 block of East Main Street and determined no crime had occurred.

[A lot of running around for nothing at 2am.]

4:45 a.m. - A caller from the 14000 block of Ballantree Lane reported a person was riding a quad with no lights on. The person was screaming and yelling and drove through a yoga farm. The caller believed drugs may be involved. A deputy contacted the quad rider, who was in compliance. The person had been drinking a little alcohol, but everything was fine.

[He was fully in compliance riding through a yoga farm at 4am. (Yoga farm?) And a little alcohol... well, the deputies were cool with that.]

9:41 a.m. - A caller from the 11000 block of Ball Road reported a refrigerator and a stove were taken in a residential burglary. The caller would re-contact the sheriff's office with more information.

[Not the usual items taken in a burglary, but maybe they were the only valuable items around.]

11:44 a.m. - A caller from Nevada City reported a stolen computer was possibly located on eBay. The caller wanted an officer to contact eBay to get the computer back. When the officer said he would take a report, the caller was not happy. The caller may re-contact police to make a report.

[If you think eBay actually has the computer, then I question your ability to identify your specific missing computer. Not happy indeed!]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXIX

11:27 p.m. - A woman called from the 200 block of North School Street and reported a strong odor similar to that of nail polish remover that was making her eyes water. Officers contacted the reporting person's neighbors, confirmed the odor, but could not trace its origin.

[But did it make the officer's eyes water as well?]

6:32 p.m. - Officers responded to a call from the 12000 block of Francis Drive about a man who was found dead in a tree. The man appeared to have died of natural causes. Once his death was confirmed, Hooper and Weaver Mortuary was informed.

[Natural aside from the fact that he was in a tree.]

3:41 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Berryman Street reported that a dog kennel was cut open and the dog is missing.

[More dog theft? Or an inside job?]

10:55 p.m. - A caller from the 400 block of Henderson Street reported four juvenile boys skateboarding in the middle of the street.

[Okay, at 11pm I guess that might be worthy of a call.]

11:04 p.m. - Officers arrested a man for driving under the influence at Colfax Highway near Hennessy School.

[I just laugh every time I see a DUI near Hennessy (VSOP?) School.]

7:39 a.m. - A caller from the 600 block of Morgan Ranch Drive reported seeing people throwing eggs at homes and vehicles in the area. Police saw the eggs but didn't notice that any eggs hit homes or vehicles.

[Being bad at your crime does not make it less of a crime.]

3:21 p.m. - A boy from the 1000 block of Rough and Ready Highway reported a girl at Lyman Gilmore School touched his backpack and he wants her arrested.

[No doubt he also wanted compensation for any cootie-disinfecting he felt required.]

4:42 p.m. - A caller from the corner of Freeman Lane and McKnight Way reported a juvenile "doing wheelies" in the parking lot at a high rate of speed.

[I would guess he was on a motorcycle, but the entry doesn't specify, so let your imagination take over.]

12:01 p.m. - A woman from the 14000 block of Beyers Lane reported several men on her property shooting turkeys.

[Part of the Thanksgiving tradition? Nothing like fresh from the forest?]

2:44 p.m. - A caller from the 10000 block of Westhill Road reported a neighbor yelling, screaming and blowing a horn.

[I see Dallas won.]

5:22 p.m. - A caller from the 10000 block of Little Deer Drive reported two people wandering around the woods near the caller's residence. The people said they were looking for a rock pile and wouldn't leave.

[They were told of a tomb full of gold or some such.]

2:47 p.m. - A woman called from the 10000 block of Rincon Way to report a vehicle fire 10 feet from her house. The fire department responded.

[Ten feet? I'd be a little worried about it becoming a residential fire.]

10:49 a.m. - A person in the police station lobby wanted to talk to an officer about theft of horses in Arizona. Police would follow up.

[The price of butter in Ottawa came up as well.]

12:15 p.m. - A woman who works as a holiday charity bell ringer on East Main Street reported a woman approached her with a hypodermic needle the day before and asked her if she wanted a flu shot. When she said no, the woman said she could have it for free. The woman wanted to talk to an officer.

[Normally $20, but for you, free! That constantly ringing bell can drive people to desperate measures I guess. I read once that donations actually go up when the person stops ringing the bell. But they have to ring it for a while first, to prove they are serious.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXVIII

8:29 p.m. - A caller from a restaurant on East Main Street reported a drive-through customer who smelled like marijuana. Responding officers cited the youth on suspicion of driving while possessing marijuana, and released him to a parent.

[I suspect that fast food and convenience stores would be fertile ground for this sort of bust.]

2:27 p.m. - A motorist was pulled over at Colfax Avenue and South Auburn Streets and arrested on suspicion of not having driver's insurance that qualifies in California.

[A pretty esoteric thing for which to pull somebody over.]

10:09 p.m. - Officers responded to a call of loud drums in the 300 block of Horizon Circle. They discovered a band that was shutting down for the night.

[The call of loud drums can be irresistible in the night.]

10:21 a.m. - A man from the 11000 block of Caledonia Way dialed 911, hung up, and upon callback was very upset over a bear in the area.

[They at least had the presence of mind, at the last second at least, to realize that the police were not going to be the solution.]

2:20 p.m. - A man from the 160000 block of Ophir Hill Road reported his neighbor posted obscene language on signs and faced them toward the caller's property.

[No doubt part of an ongoing dispute.]

6:58 p.m. - A caller from the 300 block of Sutton Way reported numerous juveniles were in a hallway, and they appeared to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol. One male juvenile in Hawaiian-print swim trunks said he had five warrants, and he didn't care who called the police on him. Police contacted the youths. They were not under the influence of any substance, and the young man with the swim trunks did not have any warrants for his arrest.

[Kids these days, standing around, not doing drugs, not committing crimes and openly rubbing our faces in it.]

8:25 a.m. - A caller from a business on the 100 block of Mill Street reported seven men and a woman were smoking marijuana behind the business and they possibly were clients of a homeless shelter intake center. Police determined the people did not have drugs and they were all waiting for the bus. They did not confirm whether they were homeless.

[I suppose after swooping in for a drug bust and finding everybody was just waiting for the bus, the question of homelessness became a bit silly.]

12:03 a.m. - A caller from the 300 block of North Church Street reported a man in his 50s was sleeping on the porch, then went inside the residence. He was refusing to leave. Police contacted the 54-year-old man, who said he would get a hotel room.

[A reasonable response, I suppose. But deciding to sack out on somebody's porch in the Sierras in November when a hotel room is a viable options?]

9:27 p.m. - A caller from the 10000 block of Broken Oak Court reported an X-Box had been stolen and switched with the neighbor's broken X-Box video game system. Deputies contacted both parties and determined the accusation was unfounded. Neither X-Box was working.

[Microsoft: Greetings Gentleman. All your XBoxes are broken by us!]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXVII

11:25 a.m. - A caller from the 14500 block of Storm Ridge Road reported she couldn't get out because a huge storage container was being moved down her road. She was advised to wait 15 minutes.

[Practical advice.]

2:03 p.m. - A caller from the 10400 block of Broken Oak Court reported hearing someone in the neighborhood banging around on something. Responding deputies discovered the neighbor was setting a crib up for a baby.

[Having set up a crib, I can picture the scene in my mind.]

3:13 p.m. - A woman called from the 15000 block of Carrie Drive saying she'd advertised some items in The Union and got a call from an operator who asked her questions that had nothing to do with the advertised items. While she was talking to the operator, she heard an automated voice say," This could be a scam." The woman said she's received two such calls. She requested a log entry and was asked to contact Nevada County Sheriff's Office.

[There has to be a loophole where, if you warm people something is a scam, you are then absolved of wrong doing. Maybe?]

1:51 a.m. - A woman from the 200 block of Mill Street reported a man in his 50s with a gray beard and mustache and wearing a bandanna, vest and hat was yelling outside her house. Police contacted the 55-year-old man and advised him not to contact the woman and move on.

[As usual, I like the choice of items people use to describe people.]

1:13 p.m. - A woman from the 11000 block of Butler Road reported she was dripping blood from her body. An ambulance responded, and a deputy took an informational report. No arrest was made.

[Bleeding is not a crime, though getting blood on public property might be littering.]

12:23 p.m. - A caller from 13400 Wings of Morning Drive reported receiving threats by text message. The calls were coming from a phone number that refused incoming calls when deputies contacted it. A phone trap will be considered if the messages continue.

[More mental imagery: A phone trap. I picture a phone in the middle of the woods stuck in some steel jaws.]

6:20 p.m. - A caller from the 10300 block of Adam Avenue reported a large explosion. Responding deputies were unable to locate anything.

["Anything" having been, presumably, taken care of by the reported large explosion.]

8:50 p.m. - A caller from the 11100 block of Lakeshore North reported receiving threats by e-mail.

[What a wonderful age we live in.]

3:27 p.m. - A caller from the 10000 block of Valencia Road reported hearing shots fired with an unknown weapon. The caller called back to say the shots were from loggers shooting at a wasps' nest.

[The whole fly/sledge hammer saying comes to mind.]

2:16 a.m. - A caller from Squirrel Creek Road reported multiple people standing on the bridge, blowing a whistle.

[When whistles are outlawed, only the outlaws will have whistles.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXVI

11:11 a.m. - A caller from the 1000 block of East Main Street reported being hit in the face with a beverage from an approximately 22-year-old man driving a gray Honda four-door sedan. Police were unable to locate the man.

[I just wonder if it was still in its container when it hit him.]

7:51 a.m. - A caller from the 11000 block of Yuba Ridge Drive reported a neighbor just shot a deer with a high-powered rifle and then put it in his truck. Police contacted the caller and told the caller that it wasn't a crime.

[It is called deer season.]

12:37 p.m. - A caller from the 10000 block of Pleasant Valley Road reported someone threw coffee on her earlier in the day. Police took a report.

[Was the person in a grey Honda?]

2:05 p.m. - A caller from Highway 49 reported a person by a disabled vehicle appeared as if he or she wanted to jump over the side of the highway. The person called back to report the car had a flat tire and police did not need to respond.

[Nice of the person to call back after their moment of panic.]

3:41 p.m. - A woman from Candy Lane to report she was being held captive by three people and she just snuck out of the house. Police contacted the woman and took her to the hospital for a mental health evaluation.

[It is surprising to see how often "mental health evaluation" comes up in the blotter.]

4:19 a.m. - A caller from Idaho-Maryland Road reported a foul smell as though there was an excess of sewage built up. A patrol officer was advised.

[What was the office going to do?]

2:13 a.m. - An off-duty police officer called to report a parolee on the 200 block of Broad Street showed him a bag of methamphetamine and said he was under the influence, that he had a gun and he was going to kill the person who had been sleeping with his girlfriend. The officer determined the man did not have a gun. Police looked for the man and could not find him. Truckee Police went to check the man's residence in Truckee, but they could not locate the street address. Local police checked another address in the Greenhorn area and found nothing unusual. A vehicle belonging to a person listed in a restraining order against the parolee was found at the parolee's address. The parolee's father said the man and the woman were in an "on again-off again" relationship.

["On again-off again" seems to describe his relationship with reality.]

2:24 p.m. - A caller from a bar on the 29000 block of Highway 49 in North San Juan reported a man was headbutted by another man in the pool room. The victim was bleeding from the nostrils, but he did not want medical attention and he did not want to make a report. Deputies checked the area and were unable to locate the suspect or any witnesses.

[Nice to see a good "Glasgow Handshake" in the news.]

3:07 p.m. - A woman called from the 13000 block of Capitol Drive to report people from a meat company tried to sell her meat. She felt it was suspicious. She requested a log entry.

[The roving meat salesmen are back. No word on their anger or aggressiveness.]

8:57 p.m. - A caller from the 15000 block of Skaith Bend Road reported someone threw a rock through the caller's front door. A deputy took a report for vandalism.

[I assume the door was open at the time. Either that, or somebody has a hell of an arm.]

12:20 p.m. - A caller from the Veterans Memorial Building on Auburn Street said a number of high school juveniles were behind the building drinking, possibly smoking marijuana, and changing clothes before they took off from the scene.

[Are we sure this wasn't the Cornish Christmas again?]

6:42 p.m. - A caller from the 1400 block of Segesworth reported a woman was outside her apartment screaming and cursing at other tenants. Police contacted the woman and maintained the peace.

[Perhaps they restored the peace, but if the woman was screaming, I cannot imagine there was much peace to maintain.]

10:03 a.m. - A caller from the 300 block of Second Street reported a pit bull was on her deck, and two Aussies and one golden retriever also were loose in the neighborhood.

[And if I know anything about Aussies on the loose, they were probably already drinking at 10am.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXV

9:35 a.m. - A woman called from the 100 block of Ophir Street to report her granddaughters refused to give her videotapes back. Police would follow up.

[I am sure somebody is going to have to draw the short straw to get that assignment.]

3:36 a.m. - An officer took a report at a business for a found ukulele and mandolin.

[Any report that contains a ukulele stands on its own, humor-wise. A mandolin is icing no the cake.]

8:56 a.m. - A woman from the 12000 block of Valley View Road reported her son just moved to the area and left a message for her to call him, but she had not been able to reach him for two days. A deputy called the son and he said he was just fine. He would call his mom.

[There is a message in that for all of us: Call your mother.]

10:33 p.m. - A caller from the 12000 block of Slate Creek Road reported multiple vehicles with multiple men who were acting oddly. The caller thought the men may have been trying to steal firewood. A deputy responded, and the incident appeared to be a traffic collision.

[Traffic accident, criminal conspiracy... they look so much alike.]

1:36 a.m. - A caller reported a large party at a residence at Highway 174 and Somerset Drive. Underage drinking reportedly was involved. The caller wanted to remain anonymous. The caller was not at the party but read about it on MySpace.

[Yes, thanks, very helpful.... surfing MySpace at 1:30 in the morning.]

3:35 p.m. - A caller from the hospital on the 100 block of Glasson Way reported a person was out of control in the emergency room. Police contacted the caller and advised mental health and emergency room staff that unless the patient becomes combative, it is not a law enforcement issue.

[We have certain criteria that must be met before we can taze somebody.]

8:48 p.m. - A caller from the hospital on the 100 block of Glasson Way reported a mental health patient was becoming extremely combative and medical staff needed police assistance. Police responded and remained on scene while the patient underwent a mental health evaluation.

[And that criteria has now been met. Okay, it didn't say they used the tazer, but I like to think that they did.]

11:46 a.m. - A caller from the 11000 block of Alpine Lane reported a man who looked like "Barney Fife" with a thin black mustache attempted to burglarize a home. The front door was kicked in, but his entry was blocked by items behind the door. Police were on the lookout for the man.

[Any time the name "Barney Fife" appears in the police blotter is just pure gold. Barney Fife with a thin black mustache. I think we all have that mental picture now.]

7:06 p.m. - A caller from a business on the 100 block of Neal Street reported a man with long brown hair and facial hair took Early Times whiskey. The man was caught on video. Police took a report for shoplifting.

9:47 p.m. - A caller from a business on the 100 block of Neal Street reported the same man who took whiskey returned to the store and stole more alcohol. He was last seen five minutes before the call. Police contacted a 31-year-old man and cited him on suspicion shoplifting and violating probation.

[And you thought the whole "returning to the scene of the crime" thing was a cliche.]

12:08 p.m. - A caller from the 900 block of Helling Way reported a man was screaming and fighting everyone. Police responded and the man was moving along.

[I like the idea of "fighting everyone."]

9:03 a.m. - A caller from Sierra College Drive reported a young man wearing white pants was exposing himself. Police contacted the man and gave him a ride to East Main Street. The man was not exposing himself.

[It was just the position of the sun that gave that impression.]

7 p.m. - A caller from West Main Street reported about 20 youths were raising their voices and appeared to be getting ready to fight. Police determined the group was practicing for upcoming Cornish Christmas.

[Not being familiar with how Christmas goes in Cornwall, I cannot tell if somebody should be deeply insulted or not.]

9:51 a.m. - A caller from the 10000 block of Shadow Hill Drive reported a neighbor threatened to shoot any person or vehicle entering his property. A deputy responded and determined the threat was not criminal. The deputy advised both neighbors that they should consider getting restraining orders and refrain from "taking the law into their own hands."

[They were also admonished to "get some perspective."]

10:42 a.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Neal Street reported seeing a bleached-blonde woman with a boy haircut in a red Mustang steal a registration tag off a tan car in the parking lot. Police were unable to locate the woman.

[If anybody else thought of "A bleach-blonde, in a red convertible, on the planet Schwartz," leave a comment. She no doubt drove off with Captain Jerk.]

12:10 p.m. - A caller from Main Street reported a man was selling candy, and when he was asked to leave, he became verbally abusive.

[Because that is the kind of person who succeeds in the cutthroat business of candy sales these days.]

12:32 p.m. - A woman called from the 10000 block of Mercury Drive to report she felt threatened by a neighbor because he was yelling at her while holding a large metal pipe. The man said he made no aggressive gestures toward the woman. He said he was concerned about speeders in the area. A deputy advised the man not to make gestures at, yell at or contact the woman.

[And stop going around with a large metal pipe in your hand.]

4:16 p.m. - A woman from the 100 block of Mallard Drive reported a man with an Indian accent called and said he was an FBI agent and he was going to arrest her for dealing cocaine. Police contacted the woman and determined no crime had occurred.

[I think this was part of Bob Newhart's stand-up routine at one point.]

4:17 p.m. - A woman called from the 11000 block of Sunset Place to report a man was inside her house. He said he was from a bank, and he was changing the locks. The woman locked herself in the bedroom. A deputy mediated the situation.

[Mediated? Does this imply that the bank does, in fact, employ a roving locksmith?]

12:19 p.m. - A caller from the 12000 block of Loma Rica Drive reported two men with bald heads were going in and out of the bushes, taking off their clothes. Deputies determined the men were waiting for the bus with their shirts off.

[The local transit system having dropped the "No shoes, no shirt, no ride" policy.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXIV

11:21 a.m. - A caller from South Church and Neal streets reported a man on a bus was yelling at a driver. Police contacted the man and he would be walking to North San Juan.

[It does not quite have the same ring as "Walking to New Orleans."]

11:45 a.m. - A person in the police station lobby reported the man from the bus incident was taking off all his clothing.

[Closer. "Walking Naked to North San Juan."]

12:04 p.m. - A caller from McCourtney Road asked for clarification about swastikas and what is lawful.

[Nosey neighbor or contentious vandal?]

2:04 p.m. - A caller from the 300 block of Pleasant Street reported an evicted resident was trying to move out, and she and another woman were "involved in a slapping fight." Police mediated the situation.

[That probably sounds a lot hotter than it really was.]

8:12 p.m. - A man from the 16000 block of Brewer Road reported a woman tried to run him over with a vehicle. Deputies determined the woman was the victim of an accident six months ago, and she had suffered severe brain injury. The man said he also was also bipolar. The dispute was over property. The man wanted to press charges, then later said he did not want to press charges.

[Well, he is bipolar. You want him to stick to one or the other, get him his medication.]

10:09 a.m. - A caller from a school on the 11000 block of Ridge Road reported doors had been vandalized. A deputy determined rocks had been thrown from a distance. The deputy took a report for vandalism.

[Thrown from a distance? My sister used to do this to our neighbor across the street.]

11:48 a.m. - A caller from a business on the 100 block of Mill Street reported a tall man went into the store twice and asked the caller to hold his hand. He was asking very personal questions. Police contacted the tall man and did not arrest him. They also contacted the caller, who would call again if the man returned.

[Can we hold hands?]

11:11 a.m. - A caller from Street Road reported someone was living in a bus at the intersection of Oak Mesa Drive. The person is reportedly on probation and is resistant to law enforcement. The matter was referred to code enforcement.

[Yeah, let the code enforcement guy go confront the guy in the bus.]

7:44 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Berryman Street dialed 911, then hung up. The caller dialed 911 again and reported the first call was a misdial. Police knocked on the door and no one answered. Twenty minutes later, someone from the same address dialed 911 twice. Police contacted two men and one woman and arrested the two men on suspicion of violation of probation.

[Way to bring attention to yourself!]

9:49 p.m. - A caller from a business on the 2000 block of Nevada City Highway reported that a man in his late 30s nicknamed "Turbo" said that law enforcement is aware he allegedly killed someone in self-defense. Police contacted the 30-year-old man and arrested him on a local warrant and advised him he was no longer welcome at the business.

[Do you think the "business" was a bar? Nice move Turbo!]

5:15 p.m. - A man called from the 15000 block of Ant Hill Road to report theft of mail from his residence sometime during the past week. A check was missing from an envelope. A deputy contacted the caller.

[Mail theft is bad, but I really want to know if you would buy a house on "Ant Hill Road?"]
11:05 p.m. - A woman called from the 15000 block of Kingsbury Circle to report a drunken person kicked in the woman's door and pushed her. A deputy and a taxi responded. No arrests were made.

[I bet the taxi got there first.]

12:09 p.m. - A woman called from the 11000 block of Lower Colfax Road to report a UPS truck came to her house, and she felt it was suspicious. She was "frantic and afraid for her life." She said a bomb had been dropped off at her house. A deputy transported the woman to a mental health facility, and she went voluntarily.

[Those UPS guys and their brown trucks.]

2:55 p.m. - A man in the sheriff's office lobby reported his daughter in Los Angeles was missing. The man has spoken with his daughter, and he did not want her to live in Los Angeles. This did not meet the criteria for a missing person.

[But haven't you seen "Escape from LA?"]

3:09 p.m. - A man from the 11000 block of Ridge Road reported five juveniles were waiting for him to leave so they could ride their skateboards on ramps they had been building.

[So, leave already and let the kids have their fun.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Source of Humor Secure

As this Yahoo headlines shows, at least one staple of humor about the English will continue on into the future.



I can just picture Prince Charles, who has pretty bad teeth for being the son of the richest woman in England, tying a length of string around a door knob and then getting Camilla to slam in order to yank a tooth.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXIII

At 8:23 a.m., officers arrested a 39-year-old man on the 200 block of June Drive on suspicion of damaging a telephone and booked him into the Nevada County jail.

[It has been a while since we have seen a charge of damaging a telephone.]

At 5:04 p.m., a caller from a business on the 700 block of Freeman Lane reported that a man was in front of the store swinging a bayonet and bleeding from his hand. Officers made contact with the man, who agreed to be transported to the hospital.

[Somehow, that did not end the way I expected.]

At 7:02 p.m., a caller from a storage lot on the 2500 block of Ridge Road reported that he was stuck inside the lot and the gate security was not responding to his pass code. The caller said that he was opening the gate with a screwdriver, but he wouldn't be able to secure it. Officers contacted the owner, who said he would secure the gate.

[Lesson: Always bring a screw driver.]

12:17 a.m. - Officers cited and released a 59-year-old woman on suspicion of petty theft at the 200 block of Mill Street.

1:24 a.m. - Officers arrested a 59-year-old woman at a business on the 100 block of Neal Street on suspicion of drunk driving and driving with a suspended license and booked her into the Nevada County jail.

[There is no reason this should be the same woman, but I like to think it is.]

7:39 p.m. - A woman from the 14000 block of Indian Springs Road reported that she heard a moaning sound outside her house when she returned home. She couldn't find her husband and was checking to see where he was. She believed someone had hurt him. But she found her husband was playing a joke with her.

[Haven't we seen enough sitcoms to know that this soft of thing always ends badly?]

12:10 a.m., Sept. 29 - GVFD and NCFD responded to a vehicle that overturned during a police pursuit on Greenhorn Road. Emergency personnel found one occupant had gotten out of the wreck. Police officers utilized a GVFD thermal imaging camera to search for a second occupant who fled on foot. The first occupant was transported by law enforcement, after a medical assessment.

[You can find people with it? I really want one of those cameras!]

5:39 p.m. - A caller from a business on McKnight Way reported a man wearing no shoes was screaming and yelling at people and swinging a very large stick, trying to hit people. Police contacted the man and took his stick. The caller did not wish to press charges.

[Stick: Not Yours]

10:35 a.m. - A woman called 911 from the 14000 block of Lodgepole Drive to ask what the date was. A dispatcher provided the information to the caller.

[The date? I suppose sometimes it is just easier to handle that kind of call rather than start lecturing on the proper use emergency assistance.]

9:42 a.m. - A caller from Indian Springs Road reported a motorcycle was stuck in a tree with blood on the running board and in the roadway. No one was around, but the blood appeared to be fresh. A deputy determined there was no blood and it appeared to be Jell-O on the roadway. The motorcycle was left at the scene.

[Not just gelatin, but Jell-O brand gelatin. A deputy with a discerning pallet. This has to have been a prank. I wonder how they got the motorcycle in the tree.]

9:25 a.m.- A caller from the 100 block of West McKnight Way reported a man nearly 60 years old was scaring customers. Police contacted the man and advised him to move along.

[His "It's Halloween!" excuse was ignored.]

4:32 p.m. - A caller from the 600 block of East Main Street reported seeing tires rolling down the hill. One tire was found on the side of the road with no one around and no evidence that tires continued to roll down the street.

[I just want to repeat that there is NO evidence that tires continued to roll down the street. That is all.]

7:41 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Ramon Court reported feeling he was "under siege" because his garage door wasn't opening. He told the dispatcher he would use the front door that evening.

[Then the power went out for fifteen minutes. It was like the Bataan Death March.]

5:50 p.m. - A woman called 911 from the 14000 block of Lodgepole Drive to report she was upset because she wasn't getting any reception on her television. A dispatcher advised the woman to contact the cable company directly.

[Me? I would have been more likely to complain about the stuff on TV when I do get reception.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXII

8:44 a.m. - A caller from Mainhart Drive and Kate Hayes Street reported a woman in a blue Ford Explorer was naked and shaking her breasts at the caller. Police contacted an 18-year-old woman and a 19-year-old man and told them to leave the area.

[It is a little early in the day for the sort of thing... public breast shaking and such... though they might still be on a roll from the night before.]

8:21 p.m. - A man called from the 13000 block of Golden Eagle Way to report a man threatened to burn his house down if he didn't pay him $5,000.

[There is something refreshing in straightforward extortion. Give me X or I will do Y.]

1:04 a.m. ­ A caller from the 13000 block of Preston Road reported a truck pulled into his driveway and four men came to the door looking for someone that "ripped them off." One man was carrying a claw hammer. Deputies were unable to locate the four men.

[I'm not sure I would have answered the door.]

3:08 p.m. ­ A caller from the 11000 block of Millpond Lane reported a girl ran away. Deputies were advised to be on the lookout for her. She has pink braces.

[Did they have any details about here that did not require a close-up of her smile?]

5:52 a.m. ­ A juvenile from the 15000 block of Cascade Drive reported three men were on the roof, then moved to the backyard. A deputy determined the report was unfounded, and the juvenile had been hallucinating.

[That is it. Just a figment of your imagination.]

1:49 p.m. - Police recovered a stolen 2002 Honda Quad Runner on the 100 block of Saint John's Drive.

4:39 p.m. - Police arrested a 19-year-old man on the 700 block of Doris Drive on suspicion of stealing a vehicle, related to the recovery of a Honda Quad Runner.

[It is nice to see same-day case resolution.]

6:43 p.m. - A woman called from the 100 block of West Berryhill Drive to report she was being stalked by the maintenance man. Police determined the report was unfounded and notified the property manager. The woman called back to say she wanted extra police patrol in the area. An officer was advised.

[I think we've heard from this woman before.]

9:48 a.m. - A caller from a business on the 100 block of Main Street reported finding drugs in a first aid kit. An officer took a report.

[Okay, I know they meant illegal drugs... but still, "Drugs Found in First Aid Kit" is never going to be a surprising headline.]

1 p.m. - a woman called from a mobile home park on the 10000 block of School Street to report her neighbor uses profanity and the "N" word. The woman was also upset because the man talks to her and seems to be outside of his trailer whenever she is outside of her trailer. Deputies determined the man's actions do not meet the criteria of stalking. A deputy contacted the man, who agreed not to talk to the woman and avoid her if he sees her near her trailer.

[I had a neighbor like that. He used to corner me every week when I brought out the garbage cans and complain about his idiot daughter and her good-for-nothing husband (his words) who had to move in with him and his wife. I could see his point, but I was not keen to hear it every week.]

11:01 p.m. - A caller from a business on the 29000 block of Highway 49 in North San Juan reported a tall man in his 50s was threatening patrons. The man refused to leave. The caller reported 40 minutes later the man appeared to be leaving.

[You can go ahead and tell the Sheriff Department's Rapid Response Team to stand down.]

1:52 a.m. - A deputy reported a person ran out of gas and pulled over on the side of Highway 49 at Rincon Way. When the deputy arrived on scene, the person was acting suspiciously and masturbating. The deputy requested a second patrol unit. The deputies admonished the driver. No arrest was made.

[Oh my. Aren't you supposed to save that "out of gas" excuse for when you have somebody else along for the ride? I also find it odd that he had time to act suspiciously while masturbating. Generally I am good for one or the other, but not both.]

2:55 p.m. - A caller from the 1000 block of Sutton Way reported a man with a mustache was urinating on the building. Police checked the area and were unable to locate the man.

[I have a fondness for descriptions that include just ONE detail about the person in question, mostly because they leave the impression that people with that characteristic favor that behavior. For example, here, my first thought was, "Men with mustaches like to pee in public." Completely false, of course, but for a moment all men with mustaches were suspect.]

5:02 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of Castlemont Drive reported a man with a goatee was sitting on the caller's lawn. Police checked the area and were unable to locate the man.

[Impressions: Men with goatees are oddballs who will just sit on people's lawns. I bet if he had a mustache he would be urinating on the lawn!]

7:44 a.m. - Police stopped a man on Meadow Drive who refused to show his ID to deputies. He was admonished on suspicion of trespassing and urinating in public.

[Did he have a mustache?]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Executive Initiative

I run a moderately sized organization in our company. I would not exactly call it an empire, but the corporate organizational chart shows that I have over 30 people reporting into me. My team is spread across the world, with people in the US, India, and the Czech Republic.

Maybe not an empire, but the sun never sets on it.

My wife sometimes makes the mistake of asking me what I did at the office on a given day. Sometimes I follow up that mistake by telling her the truth.

Last week she asked and I told her that in addition to the usual meetings to attend and fires to put out, I spent a good part of my day busily burning CDs, updating and printing labels, editing release notes, and double checking dozens of little details that come along with a product release.

My wife wanted to know why *I* had to do all of that. Didn't I have somebody to do all of that stuff for me? She has seen the org chart. She knows how many people I have working for me.

I explained that the people who work for me are all highly skilled, well paid professionals.

She pointed out that I was also a highly skilled, well paid professional.

I told her yes, but I am a manager. My primary responsibility to ensure that my team is productive, that the company is getting their money's worth out of their investment in these people. Often that means keeping them somewhat isolated from the trivia and focused on the goals for the team.

I then told her a story of my youth, which is what I do a lot these days now that I am over 40 and something of an old fart.

When I was around eight years old, I was at my grandfather's company. He started his own business after the WWII, which turned into a reasonable success. My father, my uncles, my aunt, and a few cousins ended up working for him at one time or another. I did my own stretch working for him, on the loading dock, when I was in my teens.

But back when I was eight, I was in his office, which was large and well appointed. I said to him that I would like an office like his some day. He smiled and asked if I really wanted to be an executive. I said "Yes!" quite enthusiastically. He got up and said, "Follow me."

He lead me off to the men's room where he picked up a toilet brush and handed it to me.

He said, "If you want to be an executive, start by cleaning the toilet."

He laughed while I looked at him like he was crazy. Cleaning toilets wasn't going to get me a big office.

Then he said, "When you're ready to do what needs to be done, no matter what, you can be an executive."

So now when my wife asks about my day, she makes a point to enquire about the toilets. I assure her that we pay somebody to take care of that.

Meanwhile, I do what needs to be done... though I do not have a nice office.

Not yet, anyway.

Maybe I should go order some pop-up Post-It® dispensers.

Pop Symbolism

I think it is somehow symbolic that, in our office supply cabinet, we have only Post-It® note pads designed for pop-up dispensers, but nobody in our office actually has such a dispenser.

I was also unaware at how big of a brand Post-It® has become for 3M.

All I have is little yellow square pads... for pop-up dispensers.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXXI

10:07 a.m. - A woman went into the police station to report she was angry with the local newspaper over something that was in the police blotter. No names were used in the blotter item, but she said allegations were unfounded. Police contacted the woman. Because a person was filing false reports against her, police advised the woman of the restraining order process.

[I bet this isn't going to make her any happier. I wonder which entry did it?]

7:28 p.m. - A man called from the 300 block of Horizon Circle to report his flower bulbs were pulled from his garden and thrown into the street within the last hour. The man wanted extra police patrols.

[That has to be either a wild animal or a wild neighbor dispute. Or maybe there is some "anti perennial" faction at work in Nevada County.]]

10:39 p.m. - A man called from Richardson Street to report a man was trying to break into a dark-colored Honda Civic. The caller also said, "the guy owes me money." Police responded and determined there was no burglary. They assisted the man, who was locked out of his car.

[It is the little touches, like "the guy owes me money" that make so many of these reports.]

10:19 a.m. - A caller reported a woman was acting strange on the east side of Monte Vista Drive. She was talking to herself, picking up rocks, throwing them and banging the rocks together. A deputy contacted the woman and determined she was hunting for rocks. She was strange but did not meet the requirements for a mental health evaluation. She walked out of the area with a deputy, but she declined a ride.

[They can't take you in for merely being strange.]

2:36 p.m. - A man called from the 10000 block of Carey Drive to report his girlfriend was attempting to steal his vehicle with a tow truck. The CHP was notified of a possible stolen vehicle. The CHP notified the sheriff's office that the car was registered to both the man and the woman, but the woman went to the DMV and had the registration changed to her name only. The tow truck driver was refusing to release the vehicle until deputies arrived. The car would remain where it was. A deputy warned the woman she would be arrested for trespassing if she returned to the property.

[This is why you get married, so when you split up, your lawyer gets the car.]

11:01 a.m. - A caller from the 13000 block of Bali Court reported 15 to 20 cows were headed down Shangrila Lane. Dispatchers advised the CHP and Animal Control.

[There is a "cow heaven" joke in here somewhere.]

1:46 p.m. - A caller from a business in the 12000 block of Nevada City Highway reported a man walked in and said he hoped the place would blow up. The same man with dark hair and glasses has made previous threats to bomb the business. Responding officers were unable to locate the man.

[In a small town you do not have as many options when it comes to bomb threats.]

3:53 p.m. - A caller from the 100 block of East Main Street reported a tall man with bushy eyebrows and a wine carrier appeared to be flashing a false law enforcement badge. He was last seen headed up West Main Street. Police checked the area and were unable to locate the man.

[Had he been sampling the wine?]

At 9:46 p.m. - A caller from Mill Street reported a woman was crying. Police contacted the woman and she was fine. Police advised a bartender to refrain from serving alcohol to two other people.

[It is called "going above and beyond."]

2:36 p.m. - A caller from Brock Road reported a water line broke in front of a market. A Public Works employee was on his way to fix the leak.

[It may be just me, but a broken water line and a leak seem to be two different things.]

7:32 Sept. 18 - The GVFD and NCFD responded to a structure fire on Dorsey Drive. The caller reported a strong smell of electrical burning and could not locate the source. Firefighters used a thermal imaging camera to locate and secure a faulty light fixture.

[I still want one of those cameras. I looked them up though, and they are expensive.]

3:03 p.m. - A woman called from the 17000 block of Highway 20 to report someone told her about an electrical problem on her property, and she wanted extra patrol in case of a fire. If a fire broke out, she said, she would sue the county because they didn't do anything to prevent it. She yelled at the dispatcher, refused to calm down and hung up the phone.

[She needs one of those thermal cameras... and a sense of responsibility.]

4:45 p.m. - A woman called to report a woman from the 17000 block of Highway 20 called her and was upset because she thought someone was going to burn down her house. The caller wanted a deputy to contact the woman, and if no contact were made, she would report the sheriff's office to the FBI. A dispatcher said a deputy would call the woman and the caller said she would check with the woman to ensure the call was made.

[Reporting the sheriff's department to the FBI? And she isn't the crazy one on the street. That was the first caller.]

11:33 a.m. - Police arrested a 19-year-old man on the 900 block of West Main Street on suspicion of inducing a minor to violate health and safety code provisions.

[A health and safety code provision? Did he encourage an under age employee to not wash his hands after using the rest room?]

5:11 p.m. - A caller from the 14000 block of Colfax Highway reported a rattlesnake was in the house. The caller said everything was O.K.

[Presumably the OK signal was given at some time after the snake had left the building.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXX

At 2:52 p.m., a caller in the Cypress Hill Area reported a suspicious, heavyset man with an earring driving a green pickup with a white camper pulling into driveways in an attempt to sell meat.

[What, again?]

At 10 p.m., a caller from the 200 block of Bank Street reported he almost hit a naked, middle-aged man who was standing in the driveway and brushing his teeth when the caller pulled in.

[What, again?]

At 3:41 a.m., a caller from the 12000 block of Ragan Way reported that his neighbor was throwing sand on his roof and skylight.

[Pretty subtle in the usual scheme of neighborly enmity.]

At 10:34 a.m., a caller from the 21000 block of Pleasant Valley Road reported that his aunt had kicked him out of the house and wouldn't let him take his medical marijuana plants with him. Deputies contacted the other party, who confirmed that there were six marijuana plants on the property that belonged to the caller, but she didn't want him on the property to retrieve them.

[There has to be more than a simple correlation here between medical marijuana, Nevada County, and... well... some of the people who live there.]

At 1:19 p.m., a woman from Robert Court reported someone leaving suspicious criminal messages on her teenage daughter’s Internet MySpace page.

[At least she is monitoring her MySpace page. Good luck on the messages.]

At 5:25 p.m., a man from the 13000 block of Squirrel Creek Road requested extra patrols after seeing what appeared to be two juvenile boys "casing out his house and his neighbor's house."

[If we're going to "use the lingo," then let's at least get it right. They were either "casing" your house or "staking out" your house. "Casing out" makes no sense and has never been used by any television private detective.]

At 10:14 p.m., a caller from Friar Tucks Road reported an elderly man with what looked like a weapon, though it could have been a paintball gun.

[I think we can all agree that a paintball gun is a weapon of some sort. Ever been hit by one? On the knuckle?]

At 12:17 p.m., a woman from the 12000 block of Slate Creek Road reported someone had placed dead animals on her property two times in one week. Animal carcasses were placed in her mailbox and hung from a pole with fishing line, the woman said. The woman believes her neighbor put the animals there in retaliation over maintenance repair fees required by the homeowners association.

[See, this is the sort of over-the-top, illogical reaction we expect from neighborhood disputes, not just sand on the skylight.]

At 3:31 p.m., a caller from Uren Street reported a man in some bushes making noises like he was being strangled. Another caller reported two people in the bushes, causing dogs to bark.

[I just wonder how often "Uren Street" is the subject of urine jokes.]

At 11:35 p.m., a man called 911 from the 200 block of Sutton Way. He said he could not control himself and he hung up. Police arrested the man on suspicion of public drunkenness.

[Any time off for being the one to turn himself in?]

At 6:26 p.m., a caller from the 22000 block of East Hacienda Drive reported 20 to 25 juveniles were involved in a "fight club" at a community center. The caller said the juveniles jumped into cars and left the center.

[Didn't that movie come out like eight years ago? Did these kids get tired of the phrase "you're so money" and want to move on to something slightly less out dated?]

At 4:10 p.m., a caller from Broad Street reported a woman was being kicked in the face on Dead Man’s Trail. Police determined the report was unfounded.

[So was this just pretend face kicking? A very convincing mime doing, "Marcel Marceau abusing his wife into the wind?"]

At 11:52 a.m., a hysterical woman called from the 200 block of Dorsey Drive to report her manager hung up on her. The manager called to say a woman was crying because someone was trimming the hedges. Police contacted the woman, who said the maintenance worker was stalking her. According to the manager, the worker was there doing his job. Police determined the complaint was unfounded.

[Good help. A Small town. A difficult proposition.]

At 2:51 p.m., a caller from the 900 block of Helling Way reported a man sitting at a computer had a sword. The sword was on a bench. Police contacted the man who would voluntarily leave the library.

[I want to know what he was doing on the computer. World of Warcraft? His SCA blog? Is blogging with a sword the sort of anachronism the SCA endorses?]

At 5:41 p.m., a caller from Adam Street at Sacramento Street reported a man was hitting a tree with a machete. Deputies arrested the man.

[Nice. Simple. To the point.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Green Asparagus Juice Drink

Not something on the regular beverage rotation at our house.


















The first question asked by nearly everybody so far, "Does it make your urine smell that way... like real asparagus?"

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXVIX

At 2:55 p.m., a bus driver called to report a man was becoming more and more agitated on the bus and the bus would stop soon at South Church and Neal streets. Police arrived and talked with three bus drivers, who did not have a problem. They were unable to locate the agitated man.

[There is a "missed the bus" joke in there somewhere.]

At 10:08 a.m., a woman called from the 11000 block of Ragan Way to report she believed a war was happening and she wanted a deputy to respond to teach her what to do in case of an emergency. She told the dispatcher she was OK, and she was going to sleep.

[Paranoia can strike at any moment.]

At 2:48 p.m., a caller from the 600 block of Whiting Street reported a solicitor was going door to door selling meat. The solicitor was driving a white truck with a shell with a phone number written on the side. The caller told the solicitor to be on his way, and he left.

[Be on your way! And is door-to-door meat sales a lucrative business in Nevada County?]

At 2:17 p.m., a caller from Foxtail Drive reported a possible violation of a restraining order. A person was refusing to leave a driveway and stop blowing leaves. A deputy contacted the caller.

[I bet there is a long story behind this one.]

At 4:25 p.m., a caller reported a male juvenile, a ward of a reform school, got out of a vehicle on Whispering Pines Road and ran away. The boy told the driver he would call law enforcement when he was done with what he had to do. Local law enforcement was advised to be on the lookout for the boy.

[Do we still have "reform schools?" Do they actually reform anybody?]

At 9:11 p.m., a caller from the 11000 block of Ridge Road reported two juveniles were wearing all black with hoods and masks. They were refusing to cooperate with a custodian, and the caller said the youths were being detained. Deputies determined the juveniles had been playing "ninja warrior." No crime had been committed.

[See, "Ask a Ninja" is just making things worse.]

At 9:30 p.m., a woman from Forest Springs Drive reported a man called her and said he was with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. He wanted her bank account information. A deputy advised the woman about scams.

[Let's hear it for somebody doing the right thing and not falling for a scam!]

At 11:09 p.m., a caller from the 17000 block of Geneva Court reported waking up in his house and seeing someone going through his window. Deputies responded and found that the trespasser had been not a person but a bear.

[Again, under the heading of "small comfort."]

At 3:44 p.m., a caller from Union Street reported that quarters were spilling out of a broken parking meter.

[That brings up a very "Vegas" mental image... and a joke about the idiot who was bragging about the "out door gambling" in Nevada.]

At 1:47 a.m., a caller from South Auburn Street and Highway 49 reported two individuals under the highway in a "compromising position." Officers responded and told the two individuals to move along.

[I promise to post any entry with the words "compromising position." But under the highway? How does that work?]

At 5:54 p.m., officers arrested a 48-year-old man at Memorial Park on suspicion of riding a bicycle under the influence of drugs or alcohol and booked him into Wayne Brown Correctional Facility.

[I did not know that was the sort of crime that would put you in jail.]

At 11:07 p.m., a caller from the 300 block of Horizon Circle reported locking herself out of her bedroom. Officers advised her to contact a locksmith.

[Locked out of your bedroom? Is this a cry for help? Does this have deeper meanings?]

At 8:15 a.m., a caller from the 16000 block of Dry Creek Lane reported someone had been harassing him using the Internet for more than a year, using an ISP changer and other illegal devices.

[I want to see the GVPD get right on this one.]

A 9:47 a.m. caller from the 16200 block of Dry Creek Lane reported possible fraud and illegal Internet activity by a person who had been harassing him over the Internet for the past year.

[I guess the answer he got from the GVPD was so satisfying that he had to call the Nevada Country Sheriff's department next.]

A 1:33 p.m. caller from the 11500 block of Bitney Springs Road said a subject stole her trash can overnight, replaced it and left two rubber gloves on the lid.

[Somebody at Homeland Security is going to get in trouble for leaving their gloves behind.]

A 2:16 p.m. caller from Broken Oak Court reported the theft of an ATM card from his or her residence.

[I've been on the phone with people whose sex was indeterminate from their voice. Worse is somebody who sounds like the other sex.]

At 8:04 a.m., a caller from the 200 block of Church Street reported an abandoned vehicle parked on the street for more than a week with toys glued all over it.

[The police blotter needs pictures with entries like these.]

At 8:48 p.m., a caller from the 1000 block of East Main Street reported a naked man between 40 and 50 years old driving a white truck. Police searched but couldn't find the man.

[Naked old guys on the loose again.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXVIII

At 6:43 p.m., a woman called from the 10000 block of Robin Drive to report her intoxicated roommate was in the yard, naked and out of control. Deputies arrested the 57-year-old man on suspicion of public drunkenness.

[This was moving along fine until it turned out to be an old guy naked in the front yard.]

At 2:52 a.m., a caller from a train company reported three trespassers on a train near the Highway 20/Highway 80 interchange, four miles east of Yuba Pass. Officers would take no action for now because the train tracks were inaccessible.

[You don't hear much about freight hopping these days. Of course, the officers could have notified somebody further down the line I suppose.]

At 3:38 p.m., a man called from the 400 block of French Avenue to report his brother has been threatening to beat him up and burn the house down. The brother called from another home on French Avenue to report the first caller was threatening to beat him up. Police contacted the brother and mediated the situation.

[Later, one of the brothers called up and said, "He's doing it again!" and then hung up.]

At 3:59 p.m., a caller dialed 911 from the 100 block of Lidster Avenue to report his skateboard was stolen from his backpack while he was at school. A dispatcher advised the caller of the proper use of 911 and gave him the police business telephone number.

[We teach kids all about 911 (except appropriate usage I guess), but you have to go looking to find the actual number phone number for the police.]

At 9:05 a.m., a caller from the 11000 block of Newtown Road reported a person was using a camera with infrared lighting to film his property at night. The caller believed this was a restraining order violation. The caller would go to court next week to address the violation.

[Neighbors.]

At 2:23 p.m. Aug. 23, GVFD and neighboring departments responded to a large vegetation fire in the Mooney Flat area of Penn Valley. Engine 1 was part of the initial attack and started extinguishing fire along the left flank of the blaze with a progressive hoselay. Engine 2 was assigned structure protection at the head of the fire. The blaze scorched approximately 60 acres.

[I just like the military metaphor used in this entry. I think this is one of the signs of a career being a traditionally a male profession.]

At 11:10 a.m., a man went into the police station to report the "no alcohol" signs he posted in Memorial Park had been removed. He also reported having problems with a drunken man at the park. Police would follow up.

[I stayed up all night making those signs! Well, at least we know his motivation.]

At 11:42 a.m., a man called from South Church Street at Walsh Street to report peppermint gum was stuck to his car. A patrol officer was advised.

[Advised of what? To be on the lookout for a vandal with fresh breath?]

At 12:40 p.m., a caller from Dee Mautino Park at Alta Street reported a man may have been drunk because he dumped some tequila in the park. Police contacted the driver of the truck and determined he had been drinking, but he did not qualify for a drunken driving arrest. Police cited the man on suspicion of having alcohol in the park.

[Which he would have known was against the law except somebody took down all those home-made signs.]

At 10:32 p.m., a caller from the 2000 block of Nevada City Highway reported a newer black Audi was doing donuts in a parking lot, then drove toward Grass Valley.

At 10:39 p.m., police stopped a black Audi S3 and arrested the driver, a 33-year-old man, on suspicion of drunken driving.

[Nice to see a case wrapped up in just 7 minutes.]

At 6:59 a.m., a woman called from the 11000 block of Ragan Way to report she and her dog hadn't eaten in a week. She had been saying strange things to fire department dispatchers. The fire department requested deputies respond to determine whether the woman should receive a mental health evaluation. The fire department and sheriff's deputies responded and determined the woman did not need to be evaluated and she had plenty of food at the residence.

[So was she on a diet or just bored early in the morning?]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXVII

At 12:04 p.m., a caller from Highway 49 at the Colfax Highway offramp reported a reckless driver in a blue El Camino. The driver had a mullet hair cut. An officer was advised.

[A guy with a mullet driving recklessly in a blue el Camino. Sounds just about right to me.]

At 7:54 p.m., police assisted a man on a scooter on the 100 block of South Church Street. The scooter's battery ran out. Police plugged the scooter into an electrical outlet and called an ambulance because the man had not taken his medication.

[Was he arrested because he was blocking traffic or for just being out of control?]

At 9:47 p.m., a caller from the hospital reported a 46-year-old mentally ill man with "scary hair" involved in an earlier traffic accident had left the hospital. He was off his medication and was actively hearing voices in his head. He was not believed to be a danger to the public. The man's niece and local law enforcement were advised.

[Scary hair. But not a mullet. Well, at least we know why he was arrested now.]

At 6:50 a.m., a caller from Highway 20 and Mill Street reported that there was a loose dog running in and out of the roadway. The caller believed it was a beagle puppy with a collar. Police were unable to locate the animal.

[Even the dogs are jumping in and out of traffic now.]

At 2:59 p.m., a caller from Purdon Crossing reported that at 1:30 p.m., he saw a suspicious man with binoculars who was looking and acting very suspiciously. The caller also saw a woman who would not speak to him but was also acting suspiciously. The caller was requesting an area check.

[Suspcioun abounds!]

At 12:31 a.m., a caller from the 10000 block of Ball Road reported two men in her yard. She says this has been occurring for three months. Contact was made with the caller and she was advised that it could be an animal in the yard and to call back if she saw anything else.

[Two men. An Animal. Months. No idea what is going on here.]

At 8:12 a.m., a caller from the 14000 block of Tervetuloa Lane reported that someone unplugged her electrical fence. Police believed that it was possibly an animal.

[The animal certainly had motive.]

At 10:28 a.m., a caller from Sunset Place reported that she and her husband drove up a driveway to look at a home for sale and a neighbor came out and yelled at them and threw the For Sale sign at their car and wrote down their license plate number.

[They certainly won't be offering over asking for that place!]

At 3:38 p.m., a caller from the 200 block of Arcadia Drive reported that a juvenile had posted a message on the caller's MySpace account, threatening that he had weapons and was going to come after the caller. Officers responded and found that no crime had been committed.

[Words that could very well come back to haunt somebody.]

At 7:22 p.m., a caller from a business on the 1000 block of Plaza Drive reported that a 50 year-old, heavyset man wearing red suspenders and jeans was harassing customers and was last seen walking across the plaza.

[Is there a UNIX convention in town? I know, it did not say he had a big, scraggly beard, but it would certainly fit.]

At 1:16 a.m., a caller from the 1000 block of East Main Street reported a man with a
beard and a mustache wearing a baseball cap and camouflage pants who walked passed the drive-through and punched the window when he was refused service. Another caller reported the same man punched a vehicle window.

[I am sure there is a discrimination suit on the way from people without cars that cannot use the after-hours drive through window.]

At 11:55 a.m., a report was made of a man age 18-22 with a butch haircut wearing a black mesh tank walking down the road swinging nunchaks.

[If nothing else, fashion crime in progress.]

At 12:40 p.m., police contacted a man swinging nunchucks. The nunchucks were plastic. Police counseled the man.

[You think that the mesh shirt and plastic nunchucks makes you hot. They don't.]

At 4:12 p.m., a caller from 10000 block of Combie Road reported a man who had been seen getting dropped off in the area to panhandle numerous times during the day. A woman was also seen picking up the man and bringing him to Longs where he would buy phone cards and hand them to the woman. She then sprayed him down with water and returned him to the same location to panhandle.

[So that person you see at the off-ramp... they may have their own infrastructure going.]

At 9:28 a.m., a caller from Cannon Way reported a possible animal control issue with a Queensland Healer that refused to leave her property. The caller asked if she could shoot the animal because the animal was blocking the only exit door from her residence.

[I had to look up Queensland Heeler. It is a type of dog and not some member of the Australian branch of the SCA.]

At 11:47 am., Calfire requested assistance with a pregnant woman with altered level of consciousness throwing items around the house located on the 10000 block of Blackledge Road.

[The phrase "a pregnant woman with altered level of consciousness" is redundant.]

At 10:34 p.m., police chased two juveniles at Eureka Street and East Main Street and cited them on suspicion of burglary and possession of a beverage by a minor.

[One assumes that means an alcoholic beverage and not just a soda or such.]

At 10:13 p.m., a caller from Washington Road reported a physical fight between two men had been going on for hours. Deputies contacted the men an hour later, and they were at their respective homes.

[Hours? Are the reenacting that scene from "The Quiet Man?"]

At 5:22 p.m., a caller from the 10000 block of Wintergreen Lane reported two people in a silver pickup truck with a flag on the hood were trying to sell meat. Deputies were unable to locate the truck.

[Meat sold from the back of a truck. I bet that goes over well in 100 degree heat.]

At 6:55 p.m., a caller from the 20000 block of Linhall Road reported a man was talking to himself and throwing things around the room. He possibly had a knife with him and may have been under the influence of drugs and alcohol. Deputies advised the caller of the restraining order process and eviction process.

[File the deputies' advice under the heading of "small comfort."]

At 1:01 a.m., a woman called from the 11000 block of Still Road reported a person was in her barn. She said the person drove in without car lights on and the engine off. Deputies contacted the caller and were unable to locate anyone on the property.

[I bet that car gets great mileage if it can go with the engine off.]

At 9:17 a.m., a woman called from the 200 block of Lloyd Street to report her neighbor's dog was continually on their porch, growling at her and her family. A dispatcher said Animal Control could respond. The woman said if she shot the dog, police would respond. The dispatcher advised Animal Control of the situation and of the threat to the dog.

[And she is no doubt right.]

At 11:09 a.m., a man called from a gas station on the 2000 block of Nevada City Highway to report a woman in a green Subaru tried to drive off with the pump nozzle in the vehicle. When the caller tried to get insurance information from her, she said, "Not today, dude," and drove off. Police determined who owned the car and would follow up.

["Not today, dude," a phrase that will no doubt come back to haunt her.]

At 6:06 p.m., a woman called from the 15000 block of Ricky Court to report a man came to the door and asked for a drink of water. The caller told the man she didn't live there, and the man said all he wanted was a drink of water. The caller thought that was suspicious. A deputy contacted the man, who was selling magazines in the area. The deputy advised him to get proper permits from the county.

[It is in the high 90s to low 100s and now this guy wants water... very suspicious indeed!]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXVI

At 4:58 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of Mill Street reported an older man went into a store and bought an expensive item for a young man. The caller felt uncomfortable about it and wanted to speak to an officer. Police contacted the man and determined there was no criminal issue.

[Now we are calling the police over our level of discomfort? I assume "young man" implies "over the age of consent."

At 5:02 p.m., a caller from Highway 49 by Lime Kiln Road reported a disabled truck was in the middle of the road with its flashers on. Dispatchers called the CHP and were on hold for 14 minutes. The dispatchers could not hold any longer.

[Makes you feel confident in your ability to get ahold of the CHP.]

At 8:39 p.m., a woman caller from the 100 block of Castlemont Drive to report her neighbor was outside yelling random political statements. An officer contacted the neighbor, who was inside the house talking on the phone.

[Were they truly random, or did they have a common theme?]

At 8:45 p.m., a woman called from the 600 block of Kate Hayes Street to report her neighbor was taking her patio furniture. Police determined the property had been returned. The woman would call back if the neighbor were to return.

[You have to have some brass to start making off with your neighbors patio furniture.]

At 12:51 p.m., a caller from the 700 block of Whiting Street reported his ex-wife and another woman were at his business shredding documents and destroying the business.

[Was that part of the settlement?]

At 1:57 p.m., officers responded to a small compact car that rolled over in a ditch southbound on the Golden Center Freeway Idaho-Maryland Road. There were no injuries.

[Not one of those huge compact cars, just a small one.]

At 9:40 p.m., a caller from the 400 block of Marshall Street reported a customer was extremely intoxicated and pushed an employee and destroyed a pizza. The caller did not wish to press charges, but wanted the man to be counseled. Police made contact and counseled the man.

[Pizza destruction! I picture the Death Star blowing up, only with a lot of pepperoni.]

At 10:53 p.m., a caller from the 12000 block of Pawnee Trail reported multiple firearms had been stolen three and six years ago. Police determined that the person had been drinking.

[Drinking? How unusual.]

A 5:59 p.m. caller from the 10000 block of Boulder Street reported two injured peacocks on her property.

[Now there is a report you do not get every day. Will animal control respond? We will probably never know.]

A 5:24 p.m. a caller from the 900 block of Sutton Way advised that radiation was burning her alive.

[Step away from the microwave?]

At 11:36 a.m., a caller from an apartment complex on the 200 block of Dorsey Drive reported a female neighbor had been banging on the wall for the last two hours, saying she was locked in the bathroom. The woman's front door was locked, and the caller had been unable to find the apartment manager. Police assisted the woman.

[A heck of a way to introduce yourself to your neighbors!]

At 9:28 a.m., a man in the police station lobby reported a woman was accusing him of stalking her. An officer contacted the man.

[I get the feeling that this is not going to play out as he planned.]

At 9:03 a.m., a caller from the 10000 block of Flume Street reported the Virgin Mary was stolen from the backyard. She was last seen two weeks ago. Police contacted the caller, who did not need a report taken. Four hours later, the statue was found.

[This was on a Sunday, of course. Nobody cares where the Virgin Mary is on Thursday afternoon.]

At 7:25 p.m., a caller from Indian Springs Road reported a dog just brought bones inside. A deputy determined the bones were deer remains, not human. The deputy determined the caller had been drinking.

[Drinking? How unusual.]

At 7:38 p.m., a caller reported a drunken man was sleeping in the gravel on the 500 block of Packard Street. Police contacted the 54-year-old man, who was not drunk and was just taking a nap.

[Gravel nap! You don't have to be drunk to take one!]

At 3:56 p.m., a caller from Elizabeth Daniels Park reported a person was in the park with a python. An officer contacted the caller and advised possessing the snake was not a crime or violation of a city ordinance.

[Remember, you read it here first.]

At 8:33 p.m., a caller from a bar on the 100 block of Mill Street reported a 53-year-old man fell off a stool. The man was transported to the hospital emergency room.

[And the surest sign that you have had enough.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Baked Dorritos

The vending machine at the office stocks the usual array of junk food. Generally, the only item in the machine I want is a bag of Dorritos, usually as a tide-me-over snack because I cannot get out to lunch at a reasonable hour.

Yesterday, I was in a time crunch around lunch, so went to the machine to grab a snack.

No Dorritos. The usual red bag was nowhere to be seen.

However, there was a yellow bag of "Baked Dorritos" in the machine.

The bag even has a green sticker on it that says "Smart Choices Made Easy" as an indicator that this is somehow more healthy for me than my standard choice.

Fine. Whatever. I am hungry. I have no time. I bought the bag.

Back at my desk, I opened the bag and took one of the Baked Dorritos in my hand. They seem flatter than the regular ones.

Then I put it in my mouth.

Can you say, "Yuck?"

Not horrible, I've eated something spoiled or putrid yuck.

More of a "this sort of tastes like what it is supposed to be, but it has a whole array of other, odd flavors along for the ride" yuck.

I tried to get past the flavor. I tossed the bag after three chips.

Avoid those Baked Dorritos.

I suppose, in the end, that not eating any Dorritos is the healthiest choice of all.

IQ: A Bad Resume Idea

Being a front line manager in a tech company, I spend a lot of time in the hiring process. There were times during the first web boom that I spent half of my time reviewing resumes, phone screening or interviewing, and providing feedback on candidates.

Of course, given the number of resumes that have crossed my desk, I have seen my fair share of bad ideas. I just reviewed a resume last week that had one of the more rare mistakes.

The person in question put their IQ on their resume.

This is always a mistake. There is no winning in this situation.

First, there is no way that a hiring manager can verify this tidbit of information. Your resume should stick to things that can be reasonably verified or demonstrated. So it is a useless piece of data.

But it gets worse. If you claim to have a high IQ, you may look like you are bragging or come off as an elitist. Is that the impression you want people to take from your resume? The best case scenario is that you will set unreasonably high expectations for yourself. Imagine every slip in your interview being greeting in the mind of the interviewer with, "You didn't do so well there, did you Einstein?"

And if you do not have a high IQ (and I had a resume that listed an IQ of 105) who cares? What message are you trying to send? That you do not have enough experience to fill a letter sized page of paper? That you do not understand the IQ scale?

So keep your IQ to yourself.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXV

At 5:33 p.m., an upset woman called from McCourtney Road to report fair personnel directed her into the fairgrounds, but she wasn't going to the fair. An officer contacted the woman.

[Fell for that old carny trick, did we?]

At 5:56 p.m., a man in the police station lobby reported someone impersonated him at a business on Mill Street and signed for his daughter to get a pierced tongue. Police determined there was no crime and would follow up.

[First, ouch. Second, I am glad to see that at least he was against the procedure.]

At 6:28 p.m., a woman called from the 200 block of Hill Street to report someone wanted to "get her bird." Police advised the caller and the other person that if either one entered the other's portion of the house, they would be arrested.

[Other's portion of the house? Are they laying tape down on the floor Brady Bunch style?]

At 7:22 p.m., a caller from the 2000 block of Nevada City Highway reported a woman wearing jeans with holes in them was passed out by a garbage bin. The woman told the caller she was all right, but she did not leave. Police contacted the woman and told her to move on.

[Don't mind me, I'm just resting.]

At 12:59 p.m., a woman called 911 from a pay telephone on the 300 block of Broad Street to report "Jesus needs help." She then hung up. Police checked the area and no one was around the pay phone.

[Miracle? Immaculate crime report?]

At 7:42 p.m., a caller from Brighton Street at French Street reported a man wearing shorts was driving a yellow motor scooter and blowing the stop sign repeatedly. Police were unable to locate the man on the scooter.

[The stop sign was not available for comment.]

At 11:31 p.m., a caller from East Main Street reported the guard dog for a business was loose in the street. The dog was a large bull mastiff, and he was not nice. Animal Control was notified.

[Not nice. I think that is a requirement for a guard dog, isn't it?]

At 10:01 a.m., person at the sheriff's lobby reported an employee hadn't shown up for work in three days. The person had been acting disoriented when checked on by a co-worker. Deputies determined the person was home ill with the flu.

[If you're not going to work, call your boss.]

At 12:09 a.m., a caller from the 300 block of Dorsey Drive reported that two juveniles had set off a flare gun or bottle rocket and were hiding in the bushes.

[Believe me, there is no way you could mistake one for the other.]

At 3:34 a.m., a caller from a convenience store on the 300 block of Sacramento Street reported that a woman asking for directions to the jail had stolen a map. When the woman showed up at the bail bonds area behind the jail, deputies made contact and followed her back to the store, where she paid for the map.

[But she was so convenient to prison, why not just take her in?]

At 11:38 a.m., the alarm on a band room door sounded at a school on the 10000 block of Rough and Ready Highway. Deputies determined the alarm was accidentally set off by the new vice principal.

[I bet this was a case of setting up the new guy too.]

At 6:05 p.m., a man called from the 11000 block of Newtown Road to report the neighbor's dogs came onto his property against a restraining order. The man trapped one dog in a cage. The caller requested Animal Control retrieve the dog.

[A restraining order against a dog? Or dogs? Still, it illustrates the problems with animal rights; you cannot have rights if you cannot accept responsibility.]

At 5:15 p.m. Aug. 2, GVFD and NCCFD responded to a utility pole transformer fire that extended to the vegetation underneath it on West McKnight Way. The first arriving engine company extended hose lines and extinguished the fire before it could gain momentum. A wayward squirrel was determined to be the cause.

[A wayward squirrel! Presumably a somewhat shocked, if not smoking, wayward squirrel.]

At 5:55 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of Neal Street reported that two teens were selling a dog on the sidewalk. The dog was a specialized breed, and they were asking a lot of money for it.

[It was, no doubt, stolen. And here I scoffed at the idea of dog theft.]

At 12:09 a.m., a caller from the 13000 block of Capitol Drive reported that people in detox were acting strangely. The people were extremely nervous and in pain. One person was making suicidal statements and grabbed a knife. They were detoxing off of Fetinol. Medical was sent.

[It sounds like they were in... detox!]

At 1:46 a.m., a caller from the 400 block of Railroad Avenue reported that several people were playing on the train. They left.

[Of course there is a train on Railroad Avenue! Don't play on it after dark!]

At 5:56 p.m., a caller from West McKnight Way reported a man carrying a duffel bag and a sign asking for help was yelling at drivers who would not stop to give him assistance or money. Police contacted the 54-year-old man and took his sign. They also advised him of a city ordinance.

[They took his sign! Then they advised him of a city ordinance, presumably involving yelling or signs.]

At 1:43 a.m., a man called from the 200 block of Mill Street to report his girlfriend wouldn't keep her hands off him and he was going to leave because he knew police would show up. The man was gone when police arrived. The woman appeared to have been drinking heavily. No arrests were made.

[There were times in my life when I wanted my girlfriend to behave that way....]

At 6:47 p.m., a caller from the 500 block of Long Street reported a squirrel had been shot, but was still alive and suffering. Police were unable to locate the squirrel.

[Dare I say "wayward squirrel?"]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. LXIV

At 1:46 p.m., a caller from the 600 block of Morgan Ranch Drive reported finding credit cards in a hay bale.

[Nothing in the news about a horrible bailer accident, so I assume somebody was hiding them in there.]

At 5:35 p.m., a caller requested contact from a police officer regarding a human bite that occurred Saturday at the Commercial Street parking lot. The caller did not know who did the biting.

[It was all a blur of teeth, lips, gums... glaven...]

At 2:13 p.m., a woman at the police station lobby asked how to restrain a person who was attempting to hurt themselves. The woman then left and ran out of the parking lot onto South Auburn toward Main Street. Contact was made with the woman and her daughter; no further assistance was required.

[Good thing she did not ask about, say, robbing a bank.]

At 12:36 a.m., an officer noticed an open door to a residence with the lights on the 800 block of Morgan Ranch Drive. The officer made contact with the occupants and determined no further assistance was required.

[Further assistance? It has not been demonstrated that he was of any assistance up to that point.]

At 10:33 p.m., a man from the 17000 block of Alexandra Way reported three suspicious people in his driveway who kept ringing the doorbell and then running away. The man was on his way home when his wife and daughter called and told him about it.

[Worst game of doorbell ditch ever, if they are just standing on the driveway. I suspect they know the daughter.]

At 4:54 a.m., a caller from the 13000 block of Tyler Foote Crossing reported a dog hanging by a rope in the doorway of a closed and empty business. The dog appeared to be a coyote. Police took a report.

[Oh, it is just a coyote. Well that's okay then. He's even wearing Acme Jet Skates.]

At 12:05 p.m., a caller from the 500 block of Linden Avenue reported that her roommate was an alcoholic and that she had called his employer and reported that she couldn't get him out of bed. Officers made contact with the man, who was allegedly drunk and said he wasn't feeling well.

[I think he might be allegedly hung over by noon the following day. Still, how is this a police matter?]

At 8:58 a.m., a caller from Branding Iron Road requested extra patrol because people were lighting fires in the middle of the roadway and was concerned because the people did not live there.

[9 am is a little early for bonfires, isn't it?]

At 10:29 p.m., a caller from the 19000 block of Branding Iron Road reported that two men were standing in his driveway, drinking beer.

[But not lighting fires, right?]

At 8:50 p.m., a caller from Sutton Way reported that a suspicious black suitcase had been left on the sidewalk. Later the caller reported that the object was merely a bush.

[And the chest of drawers... it was just a hedge.]

At 10:16 a.m., a man from the 21000 block of Big Oak Drive reported his neighbor blows an air horn in the mornings. A deputy contacted the caller.

[I suppose we all have our morning rituals.]

At 12:50 p.m., a caller from the 20000 block of Tyler Foote Crossing Road was asking why his phone was tapped. He stated that he wanted real cops, not undercover cops to help him. He was directed to the mental health center, where his parents met him and was suspected of being drunk in public.

[Real cops, please! The undercover cops are the ones tapping my phone!]

At 1:55 a.m., a caller from the 10000 block of East Lime Kiln Road reported that there were annoying phone calls being made to a cell phone. The person was advised to contact Verizon for assistance.

[Or maybe just turn off the cell phone? They have an off button.]

At 5:48 a.m., a man from the 600 block of Whiting Street reported his car was covered in shaving cream and plastic wrap and litter. He was unsure whether there was any damage. Police determined it was a practical joke.

[Yes, we have ruling it... and it was, indeed, a practical joke.]

At 6:03 p.m., a caller from the 13000 block of Lake Wildwood Drive reported someone was peeing on her door.

[At that very moment?]

At 8:50 p.m., a caller from Highway 49 reported that a son was walking on the side of the highway and refused to come inside. The caller said the son was mentally unstable and wanted to walk to Modesto.

[I think that pretty much confirms the diagnosis. Walking to New Orleans, yes. Walking to Modesto, no.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)