2006 Darwin Awards

They are out again for the year 2006.

I make no claim of validity for any of these stories, but they are amusing.

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXXIV

At 12:33 p.m. a California Highway Patrol officer reported a man in the turn out-area by Bear River Gas yelling at himself and making passersby nervous.

[Why didn't the CHP officer do something about it? I mean besides report it.]

At 12:40 p.m. a caller from 13000 block of Highway 49 reported receiving a call from an ex-employee who said if his check wasn't ready when he got there, "It's not going to be good."

[Depending on the state of the checking account, even if it is ready I assume there is still a chance it won't be good.]

At 2:48 p.m., a caller from Wolf Road reported an older white male with gray hair at the turnout by Best Gas yelling and jumping into traffic. The subject threw a cup at a vehicle as well.

[See, if the CHP officer had shown a little initiative we would have had one less cup-related incident this year on our highways.]

At 9:01 p.m., police in Auburn alerted local law enforcement to be on the lookout for a 19-year-old suicidal woman who threatened to jump off the Foresthill bridge.

[Well, you know where they could start looking....]

At 11:24 p.m., a caller from West Main Street reported two men were going in and out of traffic with something in their hands, perhaps baseball bats, pretending to hit vehicles. Police contacted the men and the items they were carrying were cardboard mailing tubes. No crime was committed.

[I always thought "go play in traffic" was a Vaudeville joke, but it seems to happen with alarming frequency in Grass Valley.]

At 8:31 a.m., a caller from the 100 block of Neal Street reported people from a homeless shelter were loitering. Police contacted four people.
plex.

At 10:38 a.m., a caller reported a person from a homeless shelter was loitering on Neal Street at Mill Street.

At 11:37 a.m., a caller from the 100 block of Neal Street reported a man and a woman were carrying backpacks and loitering. Police were unable to locate the loiterers.

At 12:17 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of Mill Street reported a person was smoking marijuana. Police were unable to locate the person.

[Turmoil at the corner of Mill and Neal Streets. By the way, when you're homeless, just about anything you do constitutes loitering.]

At 6:38 p.m., a caller from the 10000 block of Mystic Court reported someone got into her mailbox, ripped up her mail and left it all over the ground. The caller said there were other victims. A deputy took a report for petty theft.

[Petty theft? I am pretty sure that is a federal crime right there.]

At 4:40 p.m., a man called from Blackledge Road and Grey Goose Lane to report a bearded man in his 40s wearing two different colored shoes was walking in the bushes. He was holding a stick or a bat and appeared to be looking for something. Deputies were unable to locate the man.

[I am betting on a cardboard tube from some wrapping paper... and that he was looking for his bowling ball, going by the shoes.]

At 12:53 p.m., a caller from Nevada City Highway reported a man was trying to get money out of a coin machine at a car wash. Police were unable to locate the man.

[If this is anything like my life, the man probably first put some money into the coin machine in hopes of getting change.]

At 2:14 a.m., a man called from a fast food restaurant on Nevada City Highway to report he refused service to two men in a four-door Chevrolet Blazer and they threw unknown objects at a vehicle in the parking lot. Police contacted the caller, determined there was no damage to the vehicle and were unable to locate the Blazer.

[I wish I knew why he refused service. It was probably after closing time.]

At 3:55 a.m., a burglary alarm went off at a restaurant on the 11000 block of Nevada City Highway. Police responded and the drive-up window was open. Police took a report for burglary.

[Let me think on this one. I am betting on two men in a four-door Chevrolet Blazer.]

At 3:08 p.m., a caller from buck Mountain Road reported a person was sitting in the middle of the street in a purple Camaro. The car had stalled after spinning donuts.

[Again, if you're going to do donuts, learn how to get in, burn your rubber, and make your get away. Either that or stick to gravel. My grandmother could do donuts in her diesel Rabbit in gravel.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Recent Phishing Attempts

Over the last few weeks I have received "phishing" emails disguised as official email from each of the following organizations, listed in order of likelyhood of success.

PayPal/eBay - They are the same company now, so I will lump them together. I do actually have accounts with both services. I have not been taken in by these phishing emails, but at least there is some non-zero chance that it could happen.

CitiBank - A good shot. A lot of people have CitiBank accounts. I am not one of them.

Fifth Third Bank - Here on the west coast you are probably lucky if somebody has even heard of this bank. I used to work with banking related software packages, so I have heard of them, but the name still screams "Phishing!"

Volksbanken Raiffeisenbanken AG - What were they thinking sending this to US addresses?

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXXIII

At 5:02 p.m., a caller from the Memorial Park pool reported a female streaker ran into the pool area. Police made contact with the swim coach staff, and they were unable to locate the girl. It was possibly a juvenile prank with a blue van involved.

[It was a prank, as opposed to... just another crazy naked person?]

At 7:07 p.m., a woman called to report she was approached by suspicious-looking people, and she felt they were trying to get her alone inside a department store on the 100 block of West McKnight Way. One man was in his 30s with blond hair in a ponytail. He had bad teeth. One woman was heavyset and had long blond hair. They had been driving an older green hatchback Datsun. Police checked the area, but were unable to locate the people.

[I like what stands out for people in these descriptions. Bad Teeth.]

At 5:18 a.m., a caller from the 800 block of Old Tunnel Road reported a man was outside an apartment screaming. Another caller advised the man may have had a gun. Police arrested the 32-year-old man on suspicion of having a controlled substance and violation of probation. Police were unable to locate a gun.

[again... if you're on probation, keep quiet.]

At 2:58 a.m., around five people on the 300 block of East Main Street were advised to quiet down and go inside.

At 4:40 p.m., seven to eight juveniles were reported to be drinking alcohol and screaming in the parking lot of the Bonanza Market on the 300 block of Broad Street.

At 5:14 p.m., three to four juveniles were reported to be throwing bottles onto the freeway from the Broad Street overpass.

[Like seven or eight shots, more examples of the imprecision of the general public.]

At 12:06 a.m., a vehicle overturned at on Combie Road. The driver was driving under the influence and sustained minor injuries. California Highway Patrol provided assistance. One person was transported to Sutter Roseville Medical Center. Grass Valley Interagency Command Center could not provide information on the extent of injuries or the number of people involved in the accident.

[I just put this in because it mentioned the Grass Valley Interagency Command Center, a federal facility, which probably does not care about a car accident unless it causes a major forest fire.]

At 11:41 a.m., a caller from the 100 block of Berryman Avenue reported people were trying to move a vehicle by wrapping a chain around a telephone pole. Police contacted the people and advised them of proper methods for towing. Police also advised them not to drive because of the status of their licenses.

[Proper method of towing #1 - Try towing your vehicle with another vehicle and not a stationary object.]

At 8:55 p.m., a woman called from the 1000 block of La Barr Meadows Road to report her father would not return her ring. Police made contact with the woman and her father. They were advised the issue was a civil dispute.

[He won't give it back to me!]

At 8:18 p.m., a caller from a bar on the 26000 block of Highway 49 in North San Juan reported a man was shooting a rifle from a red Toyota truck. The man drove away, and a deputy found the same truck over an embankment off of Highway 49 at Milhous Drive. The truck was abandoned and the gun was in the vehicle. Deputies checked the area for the 30-year-old Grass Valley man and arrested him on suspicion of exhibiting a firearm in a threatening manner, discharge of a firearm in a grossly negligent manner, carrying a concealed weapon and drunken driving.

[Drinking is the key. It explains all of the other behavior.]

At 6:35 a.m., a woman called from the 10000 block of Sky Circle to report people were taking pictures of her through her windows and breaking into her house. She said it was an ongoing issue. She requested extra patrol throughout the day and night.

[More fun in the neighborhood. Maybe she is famous?]

At 8:37 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of Argall Way reported hearing someone shaking a paint can behind a laundromat. Police arrested a 42-year-old man for possession of chemicals for intoxication.

[Maybe the shaking of a paint can is an obvious sign that chemicals are being abused, but it seemed like a Sherlock Holmes level logical leap to me.]

At 5:13 p.m., a caller from a gas station on the 10000 block of Wolf Road reported two men were fighting. One man was holding a gas pump. Another caller reported they were pushing and shoving, then they left.

[I realize that the one man was probably only holding the pump nozzle, but the mental image of the whole pump is amusing.]

At 1:09 p.m., a caller from North Church at Richardson streets reported a man parked his gray Toyota in front of a fire hydrant. The caller told him to move, and he said, "It's a public street, I'll park where I want." An officer cited the man for parking in a no-parking zone.

[Showed him!]

At 2:03 p.m., a caller from the 200 block of Sutton Way reported the theft of Christmas lights. It was the third time they were stolen. The caller requested extra patrol.

[My grandmother used to fret from time to time that people would steal the Christmas lights on the house. I guess her fears had some foundation.]

At 1:07 a.m., a caller from the 300 block of First Street called to report a woman was heard yelling and crying. Police arrested a 20-year-old man for possession of an alcoholic beverage by a minor.

[But what about the woman? You remember, the yelling, crying one?]

At 3:22 a.m., a caller from a motel on the 900 block of Sutton Way said a man wanted to report his vehicle was broken into. Police contacted the man and arrested him being drunk in public.

[Well, it could have been worse. Standing there by your car with your keys in hand can get you a drunken driving arrest.]

At 4:30 a.m., a caller from a drug store on Sutton Way reported a man was passed out in the bathroom. Police made contact with the 42-year-old man and advised him to move along.

At 5:24 a.m., a woman called from a cafe on Sutton Way to report a man was on private property. Police made contact with the same man who had passed out in a store bathroom. The woman said she would allow the man to stay a while longer because he had nowhere else to go.

[Well, at least somebody had a heart.]

At 2:56 p.m., a caller from the 10000 block of Lime Kiln Road reported that a man he was going to transport in an ambulance said he would shoot someone if he were transported. Deputies arrived, and the man was transported by ambulance.

[Presumably nobody had to be shot to get this trip underway.]

At 11:26 a.m., a woman called to report her husband was refusing to allow her to leave the residence. She said she was fearful and wanted a deputy to make contact. A deputy called back and determined there was no domestic violence. The deputy said the woman's husband would not let her use the car and he was not keeping her at the house against her will.

[Was she drunk?]

At 7:46 a.m., a man called from the 200 block of Mill Street to report that upon returning from jail, he found pictures torn up in his living room. The man said he thought his wife tore them up. He requested a log entry.

[The case of the torn up pictures!]

At 3:43 p.m., a caller from a grocery store on the 700 block of Zion Street reported a shoplifter was stealing spray paint. The 42-year-old man was arrested for petty theft with a prior jail term for theft. Before he was booked into jail, he was taken to the hospital emergency room, where he was treated for a broken arm he suffered prior to the incident.

[He was walking around with a broken arm and then decided to shoplift some spray paint. Odd.]

At 10:53 a.m., several 911 callers reported an elderly man in a blue Ford Ranger with a camper shell was driving the wrong way on southbound Highway 49 at Brunswick Road. Police made contact with the 80-year-old driver.

[As long as they did not make contact with his vehicle... head on contact, that is.]

At 2:59 p.m., a woman called to request deputies check on her adult daughter on the 10000 block of Mooney Flat Road. She said her daughter had been missing for four and a half years, and she thought she was dead. The woman said she thought a stepmother killed the family. A deputy checked on the house and found that three juveniles living there were fine and that the mother and daughter have not gotten along for several years. A deputy called the mother back, but she did not answer her phone.

[The joy of families.]

At 9:37 p.m., a caller from Park Avenue at Pioneer Park reported a car was doing doughnuts and got a flat tire. Deputies located the vehicle and the juvenile driver and called a tow truck.

[Doing donuts and getting a flat. There is a "Priceless" joke there waiting to be made.]

At 11:59 p.m., deputies responded to a call of a suicidal man at a motel on the 13000 block of Highway 49. The man had taken 14 Xanax pills. The man was taken to the hospital and cleared by county Mental Health. He was given a ride back to the motel, and deputies took seven firearms for safekeeping.

[Good call on the safekeeping regardless of what the county Mental Health people said!]

At 8:47 p.m., a caller from the 200 block of Gold Flat Court reported a possible prowler. Police checked the area. They found fresh mountain lion tracks and several deer and a coyote.

[And Phil said he saw a bat, but I don't believe him! A nice little wildlife outing for the police.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Prerequ-uh-what?

Our operations department sets up servers with our software before they get sent out to a customer. With the latest release of one of our modules, operations completely messed up the install and a developer ended having to go on site to fix the issue.

One of the root causes of the problem was the word "prerequisites." The module comes on two CDs, one with the module name, and one with the prerequisites for the module. The operations team did not know what to do with the prerequisites CD, so put it aside and attempted to install and configure the module independent of the software required to support the module.

And, of course, we ended up in the situation with the developer at the customer site installing everything from scratch.

At a postmortem meeting about this fiasco, the director of operations tried to explain how "prerequisites" is not the correct nomenclature for our SAP process. However, since his team runs that part of the SAP process and actually entered the name of the CD and never once objected, his explanation did not get the response he was hoping for.

Tehran International Trade and Convention Center

Cockeyed.com, a humor site worth noting, has, in the wake of the conference questioning the Jewish holocaust, obtained the "official" list of other conferences to be held in Iran next year.

Would You Pay $1.46 For A Dead Parrot?

Audible.com recently put up some individual tracks from one of the Monty Python's Flying Circus albums. Tracks available include:

Dead Parrot Sketch
Self-Defence
The North Minehead By-Election
Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson
Buying a Bed
Nudge Nudge
A Man with Three Buttocks
Flying Sheep
Crunchy Frog

This link goes to the Dead Parrot Sketch. While the price is $1.46, Audible.com has a special offer link on the page that says, "Find out how to get this for $7.49," in case the first price is too low for you.

The Daily WTF - Pop-up Potpourri

One of the feeds I watch is The Daily WTF. Some of the articles go over my heard, but they have a regular feature, Pop-up Potpourri, that everybody can enjoy.

Take a look.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXXII

At 6:19 p.m, a caller from the 100 block of East Berryhill Drive reported a man in dark clothes and a cowboy hat talking to bushes and cars and behaving as though he was under the influence. Officers contacted the person, whose neighbor took him inside.

[Nice to see a neighbor helping out.]

At 9:36 p.m., a woman called from the 17000 block of Lower Colfax Road and reported she had received a $2,000 check with a letter telling her she has won a sweepstake. The check was supposed to cover the taxes. But the letter had an address from Canada, while the check had an address in Hawaii.

[And the check was signed by some guy from Nigeria.]

At 3:56 p.m., a caller reported a disoriented elderly man went missing. The caller was concerned the man would walk into traffic. A second person called to report the man was at a restaurant. The 80-year-old man was reunited with family members.

[Did he get to eat first?]

At 4:59 p.m., a caller from the 400 block of Searls Avenue reported two to four juveniles were shooting airsoft guns. Police were unable to locate the juveniles.

[No Xbox for these guys yet?]

At 8:16 p.m., police arrested a man at on Ridge Road for vehicle theft, possession of a BB gun and committing a felony while out on bail.

[Possession of a BB gun? Under what set of circumstances is that a crime?]

At 9:54 a.m., a caller from a parking lot on South Auburn Street reported a man with shaggy blond hair wearing a baggy T-shirt accused the post office of not getting his mail and saying he was going to shoot someone. The man was not carrying a weapon. Police checked the area extensively and were unable to locate the man.

[A few years back threatening to shoot somebody at the post office would have been met by a hail of fire... at least in the stand-up comic view of the world.]

At 11:53 a.m., a caller from the 100 block of Neal Street reported a man with a shaved head and tattoos was carrying clothes, staggering into traffic and talking to himself. Police advised the man to move on.

[I wonder at the random enforcement of the public drunkenness statute.]

At 10:09 a.m., a woman called from the 11000 block of Marjon Drive to report her son sold her vehicle for methamphetamine.

[That must have been tough to explain to mom.]

At 9:32 p.m., a caller from the 11000 block of Ridge Road reported five juveniles brought a truck full of snow to the high school to make a "snow run." A deputy made contact and the juveniles cleaned up the snow.

[It is snow. It will clean itself up give a bit of time.]

At 10:17 a.m., a caller from Scotts Flat Lake reported he was shot with an airsoft gun yesterday. The caller believed the shooter was joking and did not shoot out of anger. A deputy took a report for assault.

[It was an assault, but it was a happy, well meaning assault.]

At 9:39 p.m., police made contact with a man with a gas-powered scooter on the 200 block of Commercial Street. Police arrested the 42-year-old man for possession of Toluene - a chemical solvent - for the purpose of intoxication.

[Nice of the police blotter to explain Toluene to us.]

At 2:58 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of Neal Street reported a man was staggering into traffic and yelling at random people. Police made contact with the man and advised him to stay out of the street.

[If you talk to yourself, you had better move on, but if you yell at random people, you only have to stay out of the street?]

At 4:10 p.m., a caller from a coffee shop on the 700 block of Freeman Lane reported a man hit his son for purchasing coffee. The man and his son were gone when officers arrived.

[Was it a Starbuck's? Was the battery politically motivated?]

At 5:05 p.m., a caller from an apartment complex on the 300 block of Sutton Way reported marijuana smoke coming from an apartment. Police arrived and the tenant refused to allow them to enter.

[Um, they said "no" sir. Curses! Foiled again!]

At 12:16 a.m., a woman called to report a suspicious-looking tent in her neighbor's backyard

[What attributes make a tent suspicious?]

At 8:13 p.m., a caller from Plaza Drive near Sutton Way reported seeing flashlights shining from a wooded lot behind the apartments, along with the sound of someone being beaten. Police arrested a 42-year-old man for possession of toxic chemicals with the intention of inhaling and violation of probation.

[Was it toluene? And what were the sounds of somebody being beaten?]

At 10:42 p.m., a woman called from Colfax Avenue at South Auburn Street to report she was at a stoplight for 30 minutes and the light did not turn green. A check of the light showed a slow cycle, but it was still working.

[If it was thirty minutes, this was an amazing, almost Teutonic, display of obedience and patience.]

At 8:27 a.m., a man called from the 600 block of Minnie Street to say he was punched in the mouth by a guest of his. He did not want to make a report.

[He just called to keep everybody up to date I guess.]

At 2:30 p.m., a man from the 20000 block of Red Dog Road requested the Sheriff's Office remove a helicopter from his neighborhood before he shoots it down. The helicopter was a rental from a Sacramento company, and dispatchers did not know what its business was. A message was left for the caller.

[Personally, I think it would have been easier for the Sheriff's Office to remove the helicopter AFTER it had been shot down. I am interested in how the caller planned to go about his anti-aircraft business.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Ironic Announcement of the Moment

Due to the snow, the Winter Wonderland will be closed.

It will reopen on Saturday December 2nd.

(from a home owners association, edited to correct the worst gramatical errors)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXXI

At 2:19 p.m., a caller from the intersection of Neal and Mill Streets reported that a man wearing a blue jacket, black beret and red scarf was jumping out at people and screaming. Police responded and told the man to move on.

[Another day in the life...]

At 9:14 p.m., a caller from the 300 block of Bennett Street reported that a man wearing a red shirt and dark pants was exposing himself. Police arrested a 23 year-old man for indecent exposure.

[Red seems to be the warning sign of the day.]

At 3:50 a.m., a caller from a gas station on the 300 block of Sacramento Street reported a man who gave the clerk six dollars and asked for fuel but didn't have a vehicle. Police arrested the man for being drunk in public and under the influence of a controlled substance.

[Drunk, stoned, and interested in buying some bulk gas please!]

At 6:55 p.m., a caller from Scotia Pines Circle at Peabody Court reported a large touch football game in the middle of the street. The players were gone when police arrived.

[Gosh darned kids! The streets are for cars!]

At 7:56 p.m., a caller from Willow Valley Road reported hearing 4 gunshots near her residence from what she believed was a large gun.

[heh heh... the sound of the round is inversely proportional to the feel of the steel... or something....]

At 9:48 p.m., a man called to report his son and adult daughter were waiting out in front of an office supply store on Sutton Way all night for an early morning sale. An officer was advised so he could look out for their safety. The caller would also check on them.

[My children are foolish, can you bring them some pumpkin pie while you're out there?]

At 11:19 p.m., a caller from the 300 block of Sutton Way reported a man named Duane often goes into a theater and makes threats toward workers.

[We know your name Duane! We know where you hang out!]

At 4:59 a.m., a woman from the 600 block of Kate Hayes Street reported her neighbors' house had been built unlawfully and light from their kitchen shines into her bedroom. She requested an officer make contact. The woman was advised to contact the city building department on Monday.

[And the people who live next door refuse to pick their feet up when the walk, so the caller is disturbed by a constant shuffling sound.]

At 2:54 p.m., a caller from Mooney Flat Road reported a man was dumping sewage from an open holding tank onto the roadway near the second gate of Lake Wildwood. Deputies were unable to locate the man.

[How about the sewage? That could not have gotten far and we have seen that the police in Nevada County have often been called on to use their noses in the pursuit of justice.]

At 6:25 p.m., a caller reported hearing five shots in the area of Lake Vera Purdon Road. A deputy was informed.

[But nothing about the gun this time, other than the implication that it may have held more ammo than the first one.]

At 10:12 p.m., a caller from the 13000 block of Meadow View Drive reported a vehicle had been stolen.

At 11:37 p.m., CHP officers arrested a 21-year-old man accused of stealing the car from Meadow View Drive. He was arrested on the 13000 block of Elderberry Lane on suspicion of malicious mischief, drunken driving and driving without a license.

[I have a soft spot for multi-part blotter entries .]

At 2:25 a.m., a caller from Squirrel Creek Road reported two men were lying in the roadway about 20 feet apart. A deputy arrested one man for public drunkenness and gave the other man a ride to his home on Oak Street.

[So, the other guy was lying in the roadway sober?]

At 5:34 p.m. caller from the 100 block of Richardson Street found a screw in her door.

[Was it holding the hinge on?]

At 3:06 a.m. police arrested a 21-year-old Grass Valley man in the 300 block of Second Street who lost his temper in an argument and allegedly fired six to seven rounds from a semi-automatic pistol. No one was injured, but the man was booked into the Wayne Brown Correctional Facility for assault with a firearm, threatening a crime and being a felon in possession of a firearm. He was released after making a $25,000 bail.

[Another escalation in the gunshot drama! Who will make it eight rounds?]

A 3:40 a.m. caller from the 100 block of Solar Drive said her husband was drunk on the couch and she wanted him removed from the home.

[I am not sure there is much the police can do about that. Are his feet up on the couch?]

An 8:50 p.m. caller from the 15100 of Nugget Street said juveniles stole his golf cart, ran it into a ditch and stole items from it. The caller said he could see the juveniles rummaging through the cart when he came home and his headlights shown on them, causing them to flee.

[lock up your golf carts... lock up your golf carts... lock up your gold carts...]

An 11:24 p.m. caller from the 15300 block of Little Valley Road said his roommate just stole his dog and left the residence.

[Another dog theft?]

An 8:08 p.m. caller from Pine Hill Drive reported hearing six to seven gunshots in the area and fireworks prior to phoning.

[Okay, we need better counting skills here. Was the last one six and this one seven? And how do the fireworks figure into this? I'll see your six to seven gunshots and raise you three bottle rockets!]

At 1:12 p.m., a caller from the 300 block of Mill Street reported a suspicious-looking man with an umbrella entered a laundry room through a window.

[Did he have an English accent?]

At 10:12 p.m., a caller from the 200 block of Broad Street reported a man collapsed at a bar. An officer cited the man for public drunkenness. He would remain at the hospital emergency room until he sobered up.

[Public drunkenness in a bar seems like seems like ticketing people for loitering at a bus stop. But, I guess if you get the emergency response people out to look after your drunken butt, you probably deserve it.]

At 11:37 a.m., a caller from Mill Street at Neal Street reported a man was acting strangely and had a bandana around his face so no one could tell who he is.

[I am betting the bandana was red, just to revisit that theme.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXX

At 11:46 a.m., an out-of-breath caller from the 200 block of Park Avenue reported a vehicle burglary.

[I cannot explain why I included this item. There is something amusing about the out-of-breath angle. Did he chase the people who broke into his car or was the nearest phone up three flights of stairs?]

At 11:33 a.m., a man from the 10600 block of Silver Way reported a subject sucker-punched him and made threats.

[If you have been sucker-punched does that not make you, by definition, a sucker? Though, thinking about it, being rabbit punched does not make you a rabbit, so I am not sure.]

At 2:37 p.m., a caller reported two subjects at Neal and Townsend streets shooting airsoft guns at each other while using foul language.

[Somebody get these guys an Xbox]

At 10:52 p.m., a man from the 300 block of Sutton Way said his upstairs neighbor pulled a knife on him, so he punched him in the face.

[The ongoing strain of being neighborly in the modern world.]

At 12:50 p.m., a man called from the 100 block of Lidster Avenue reported someone sent him inappropriate photographs on his e-mail.

[And what did the police suggest?]

At 3:42 p.m., a man reported the theft of a computer on the 100 block of East Main Street. He asked an officer to stand by while he retrieved it.

[I'm interested to know how far this computer got that this guy knows where it is and can go pick it up.]

At 7:26 p.m., a person came to the police lobby to complain about a towing company. The person was told to deal with the towing company directly.

[Peace officer powers are not available at this time.]

At 10 p.m., a caller reported three juveniles were playing under an overcrossing pointing lasers at people. Police gave the youths a ride home, and their parents said they would keep them for the night.

[Tomorrow however....]

At 9:29 a.m., a woman from the 10000 block of Gold Hill Drive reported ongoing harassment by a neighbor, who was outside yelling things about her to the people who were cleaning the roadside drains.

[And some of these people move up to Grass Valley to get away from annoying neighbors....]

At 10:32 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of Catherine Way reported a 66-year-old man using a walker had walked away from the convalescent facility. Police found the man at the hospital emergency room, and gave him a ride back.

[Did anybody stop and ask if, perhaps, this man struggled all the way to the emergency room for a reason?]

At 11:12 p.m., a caller reported a girl hitchhiking at the South Auburn Street onramp. Police gave the girl a ride.

[That worked out for everybody, now didn't it?]

At 7:57 a.m., a man from the 100 block of Richardson Street reported the air was let out of his vehicle's tires. He was leaving for a restraining order hearing and would go to the police station later to file a report.

[I bet he can guess who let the air out of his tires.]

At 6:34 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of West McKnight Way reported a man with long hair wearing sweats and a leather jacket was yelling that someone stole his bike. Police made contact with the 42-year-old man and arrested him for violation of probation.

[Again, if you're on probation, have a warrant, or are otherwise vulnerable, keep your head down and your mouth shut.]

At 9:50 a.m., a caller from the 12000 block of Pleasant Valley Road to report hearing four gunshots close to the residence. A deputy made contact. A person was shooting at a skunk.

[That's just fine then. Unless you're the skunk.]

At 9:30 a.m., a caller from Tall Pines Mobile Home Estates reported a man in Nevada and Placer counties was impersonating a Burrows Security guard to enter homes without permission. The man was driving a white Ford Ranger with a toolbox in the back and a black star on the side. Burrows Security uses a gold star.

[Take note of the color of the star.]

At 10:49 p.m., a woman called from the 18000 block of Nubian Way to report hearing a suspicious noise outside her residence. She saw someone walking near her car and toward a pond. A deputy responded. The disturbance was a bear.

[A suspicious bear.]

At 12:38 p.m., a caller from Commercial Street reported a man was acting strangely and kicking his old Buick.

[If it is anything like old Buicks I have known, his behavior was not so strange.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Casino Royale

My wife and I went to see the new James Bond movie "Casino Royale" on Friday night. It is a rare event for the two of us to be able to go out on a date these days.

We are both Bond fans. We have all of the Bond movies at home on DVD and have watched every single one of them together. We had our own little film festival a few years back where we watched them all, in order, one a night.

As combined bodies of work, we order the Bonds:

Sean
Pierce
Roger
George
Timothy

Though, to give Roger Moore his due, "Live and Let Die" is our combined all time favorite.

And now we have Daniel.

One movie in, we put him ahead of George and Timothy. (As far as my wife is concerned, she would rank a two days dead armadillo ahead of Timothy, but that is another story.)

Daniel Craig is a reasonable Bond. He fits into the role of a reckless, somewhat naive new Bond just starting out on his career. That is what the movie is about. Gone is Commander Bond, veteran of WWII, the sophisticated gentleman of exquisite taste. It is a clean slate, a new Bond, with the ink on his license to kill is barely dry.

Which brings us to my first problem with the movie. If it is a clean slate, you need to throw all of the past overboard. Instead we have, returning for her 5th run as M, Judi Dench. Not the biggest flaw in film history, but a serious distraction if you are familiar with the series. She has a past with Bond, but this Bond is not supposed to have that past. While I am just fine with Judi Dench as M in general, the audience would have been better served by starting fresh in the M role as well.

The second problem I have with the movie is at the Casino itself. Gone is baccarat, the classic Bond card game since "Dr. No." Instead we have a $150 million stakes game of Texas Hold'em poker. Yes, baccarat is an odd game with obscure rules such that almost nobody in the audience knows what the hell is going on in the game, but the games progress is always announced in French and the director never leaves any doubt as to who has won. Baccarat delivers a foreign atmosphere not to mention staying true to the past. The main benefit of Texas Hold'em is that now everybody in the audience who watches celebrity poker on cable can figure out who has won on their own. An unnecessary break with tradition for little benefit.

Finally, the movie itself runs a bit long. Bond is a genre that is good for 90-120 minutes. At nearly 150 minutes, this film is outside the zone and it suffers from it. The film drags some in places. You get to points where the film could end, but you know that the Bond genre won't allow it, so you fidget and wait for that final plot twist and action sequence that is standard issue. Tighter editing and a little less plot complication early on would have helped immensely.

On the plus side, this movie features what is unquestionably the best on-foot chase scene of any Bond movie ever. You will be impressed.

Otherwise, the "Casino Royale" sticks with most of the conventions of the Bond films. Daniel Craig is fine in the role. This is his first run at it, and he has the awkward duty of being new to a role that has a serious past in a movie that is supposed to forget that past. He gets through it well.

"Casino Royale" will probably never be on the short list of favorites for either my wife or myself, but it was good enough that we want to see the next Bond movie with Daniel Craig.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXIX

At 7:21 p.m., a woman called from the 200 block of Dorsey Drive to report a man was screaming and he threatened her when she asked him to quiet down. The man was in his early 20s with his dark hair sticking straight up.

[If not for his hair, I probably would not have included this. Did he do his hair special for this behavior, or is this his normal style?]

At 5:23 p.m., a man called from the 20000 block of Pleasant Valley Road to report a person was driving up and down a dirt road behind his home continually honking the car horn.

[Wheeeee!]

At 7:16 p.m., a woman called from the 10000 block of Robin Avenue to report catching a juvenile trying to kiss another juvenile.

[Alert the press! Oh, wait, this was in the paper.]

At 8:15 p.m., a caller from 11000 block of Butler Road said a neighbor was waving a baseball bat and threatening people.

[Further adventures in neighbor relations.]

At 9:34 a.m., a person on the 10000 block of Terrace Oaks Lane said medicinal marijuana plants had been stolen from his or her yard. The caller had a current prescription for the plants.

[So at least the caller might not get arrested along with the thief.]

At 10:22 a.m., a person slit a turkey's throat and hung the animal from a tree with a noose around its feet, according to a caller on the 10000 block of Gautier Drive. The turkey was taken down after law enforcement arrived.

[That turkey doesn't just wrap itself in a Butterball package, you do have to kill them and drain the blood. Still, I might not do this in my front yard.]

At 7:51 p.m., a woman called from the 300 block of Pleasant Street to report hearing firecrackers outside. She also thought she saw a person with a gun earlier in the day, but she wasn't sure if it was real. Police checked the area and were unable to locate firecrackers or a person with a gun.

[I might have called a little sooner about the person with the gun.]

At 2:28 a.m., a woman called from the 100 block of Richardson Street to report she was assaulted by a man and he broke her cellular phone and mirrors. Police determined there was no assault or property damage. The woman called back an hour later to report she suffered injuries from the assault. Police made contact and determined again there was no sign of assault.

[Motivation. What is her motivation?]

At 8:48 a.m., a caller from McCourtney Road at Brighton Street reported a possible drunken driver in a white Chevrolet with no tailgate. The driver looked to be about 65 years old. Police made contact and determined the man was trying to use his cell phone while driving. He was admonished to stop.

[Anecdotal confirmation of those studies that say using your cell phone while driving makes you as dangerous as you would be if you were drunk.]

At 1:49 p.m., a caller from the 17000 block of Penn Valley Drive reported theft of a baby Jesus from a nativity scene. A deputy took a report for petty theft.

[So much blasphemy. Is stealing baby Jesus really only petty theft? I think that down in Lubbock it is a felony.]

At 9:05 a.m., a caller from the 10000 block of Harmony Ridge Road reported theft of medical marijuana in September or October. A deputy made a log entry. There was no proof of any suspect.

[We continue with the drug/crime correlation study here. If you grow it, they will come. Tip: If you can narrow down the crime to, say, a single month, the police really appreciate it.]

At 9:31 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of West Berryhill Drive reported a vehicle had hit the building. The vehicle was being driven by a 25-year-old person who left by the time police arrived. The person was contacted later on Alta Street and advised not to return to the address on Berryhill.

[Wasn't there a hit and run here?]

At 10:18 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of Carpenter Street reported someone threw a rock at her skylight. No damage was caused.

[I am betting on it being another walnut.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXIII

At 3:36 a.m., a caller reported a man on the 200 block of Mill Street was in a fight with another person, and he may have been brandishing a gun. Police made contact with the man who was reportedly causing the disturbance. The man had been drinking and police were unable to locate any weapon. The man was advised to keep it down.

[They must have filled their "drunk in public" quota for the night. Or is 4am a shift change?]

At 9:22 a.m., a woman called from the 16000 block of Autumn Oak Road to report her teen daughter was flying out of control because she took away the girl's text messaging privileges. The girl was throwing things around the house. The mother was upset because of the cost of the service. A deputy mediated the situation.

[Text messaging? Throwing things around the house? I can hardly wait for my daughter to hit the teen years.]

At 11:23 a.m., a woman from the same Autumn Oak Road address reported the teenage girl was hitting her sibling and the caller because she was very upset about text messaging being taken away. An officer made contact and the alleged victim declined prosecution for assault. The juvenile was outside in the brush.

[I'm sorry, if my daughter was hitting me, the police would not need to get involved even once. And, if they had to get involved, somebody would be spending a night in the slam.]

At 2:30 p.m., a woman called from the 14000 block of Dalmatian Drive to report her neighbor threatened to kill all of her dogs for no reason. The caller was afraid the neighbor had mental health issues.

[The pressure of living on Dalmatian Drive just got to the neighbor I bet.]

At 8:26 a.m., the Placer County Sheriff's Office asked the Nevada County Sheriff's Office to contact a man regarding a burned Hyundai. Deputies attempted to make contact, but the man was dead, and they advised the Placer County.

[That second sentence is a self-contained tragedy. Sort of "We Went Looking for Godot." Still, I wonder if this is related to the guy last week who was going to burn his car.]

At 3:04 p.m. a caller reported seeing a deer wrapped in a green blanket that smelled deceased on the side of the road on Rough and Ready Highway.

[Smelled deceased? Wasn't the fact that it was wrapped in a green blanket and presumably laying on the ground sufficient? Did it have to pass the sniff test?]

At 5 p.m. a caller from the 11200 block of Sierra Circle reported a golf cart had been abandoned in her yard for two days and she was concerned it might be stolen.

[I've said it before and I will say it again: Lock up your golf carts!]

At 7:31 a.m. a caller reported seeing a white pickup truck on the 13900 block of Highway 49 with a male and female in the back cutting the head off a deer.

[How did it smell? Or were they filming "Bring Me the Head of Bambi's Mother?"]

At 12:17 a.m. a woman called from Connie Drive saying there were lights hovering in the sky, possibly from a UFO, just south of her residence.

[I have waited five years for a UFO report to appear in the police blotter. It came sooner than I expected.]

At 6:50 p.m., a caller from the 200 block of Sutton Way reported hearing a male voice yelling in a field in the back of an apartment complex. Police made contact with a 42-year-old man and arrested him for probation violation.

[I always think, "If you have a warrant or are on probation, wouldn't you want to play things cool?" But, then, this may explain why these people have warrants or are on probation.]

At 11:55 a.m., a caller from the 100 block of Carpenter Street reported a rock hit a skylight. Police determined it was possibly a walnut.

[Case files that will never make it into any remake of "Dragnet."]

At 6:49 p.m., a woman called from the 13000 block of Rough and Ready Highway to report her daughter was smoking marijuana in front of her younger brother and refusing to reveal where it was. The woman said she was leaving the residence to go to Bible study but wanted a deputy to cite the girl while she was gone. When the deputy was at the residence to cite the girl, she ran.

[Okay, some things are more important that bible study. But then, this attitude probably explains why her daughter is smoking marijuana and probably running up a huge text messaging bill.]

At 9:03 p.m., deputies alerted local law enforcement to be on the lookout for a 17-year-old girl who ran from them when they were about to cite her for disturbing the peace and being under the influence of marijuana.

[Somehow I think they deputy did not give chase with any enthusiasm, not that I blame him. Still, a stoned 17-year-old girl got away from him. That had to get some comments back at the station.]

At 7:43 a.m., a caller from the 13000 block of Loma Rica Drive reported a foul odor coming from an apartment. The caller said this had been ongoing and the fumes were so bad they were making other tenants sick in the building. A deputy made contact and there was no odor in the area. The caller was given the deputy's card and told to call again when the smell is around.

[My friend Nick has this problem. His neighbors eat only burned food. We speculate that this is for religious reasons.]

At 2:14 p.m., a woman called from the 300 block of Brunswick Road to report a man took a fraudulent check from a customer after she told him not to take any more checks.

[You can fire the employee, but he has not committed a crime, unless you can prove he was in league with the passer of the bad check.]

At 9:05 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of Ophir Street reported his apartment was broken into and his crayfish was stolen. Police made contact and were unable to locate any point of entry.

[Could there be escaped crayfish on the loose?!?]

At 12:41 a.m., a woman called to report someone has been trying to break into her son-in-law's house on the 10000 block of Lime Kiln Road to try and kill him. Deputies determined the call was unfounded.

[Another case of wishful thinking.]

At 10:09 a.m., a caller from Dog Bar Road reported being assaulted. A person grabbed the caller's arm during a discussion about loose dogs and driving too fast. The caller requested a log entry only.

[Loose dogs and fast cars! Wasn't that picture in the series along with the dogs playing poker?]

At 12:14 p.m., a caller from the 13000 block of Torrey Pines Drive reported forged money orders. The crime was committed in Canada and was incomplete.

[That seems like a long way to go to "almost" commit a crime.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXVII

At 8:16 p.m., a woman from the 800 block of Zion Street reported her neighbors were trying to break into her home, have sex with her, maim and kill her. She denied she had been drinking.

[The denial! That colors the whole entry.]

At 2:17 a.m., a caller from Carpenter Street in Grass Valley reported smoke that smelled funny was in the air. Police were unable to locate the source of the smell.

[Another police call for "funny smells." I wonder who gets assigned to follow these up?]

At 2:48 p.m., police arrested two people at a business on the 100 block of South Auburn Street. An 18-year-old woman was arrested for resisting arrest, obstructing or resisting a police officer and battery of a police officer, and an 18-year-old man was arrested for resisting arrest, false representation of identity to a peace officer, battery of a police officer and obstructing or resisting a police officer.

[I like when the list of charges are all around the actual arrest and no other crime is listed. To be resisting arrest, don't you have to be under arrest for something else?]

At 10:30 a.m., a caller from the 200 block of South School Street reported a man was undressing in front of a window. The caller said the building was condemned and no one was supposed to be there. Police made contact with the man, who said he was renting. Police would follow up.

[Wasn't this an episode of "Friends?"]

At 1:34 p.m., a caller reported a man, who was possibly homeless, loitering at the CHP building on the 900 block of Sutton Way.

[Calling the police to report somebody loitering outside of the police station....]

At 9:07 a.m., a caller from the 700 block of Zion Street reported a man and a woman were shoving and pushing each other. Officers stood by while the couple "worked it out."

[The police said they would "knock their heads together" if they didn't straighten up.]

At 10:33 a.m., a caller from South Auburn Street reported a person waving a blue bandana appeared to have been drinking and was making people feel very uncomfortable.
[Is he waving at me? That's just so weird. Call the police.]

At 11:39 a.m., a woman called from the 300 block of Miners Trail to report two men soliciting a new business made her feel uncomfortable. Police were unable to locate the men.

[Did the Mikes move on to a new business?]

At 12:23 p.m., a caller from Walsh Street reported a suspicious-looking man was going door-to-door.

[They are out in force.]

At 12:41 p.m., a caller from Carpenter Street reported a solicitor was in the area. Police made contact. There were six solicitors in town. Police spoke to the driver who would pick up the solicitors and leave town.

[I always thought running people out of town or dropping them at the city limits was just a cliche.]

At 5:08 p.m., a caller from the 14000 block of Oak Leaf Drive reported a girl was hitting herself in the head with her fists and striking other people in the residence. A deputy mediated the situation and everyone involved agreed the girl needed to go to counseling.

[But did she get the counseling she needed?]

At 12:54 a.m., a woman called from the 13000 Naomi Way to report her television just came on in the other room and channels were being changed.

[I want to know how this one played out. Wasn't this an episode of "The Twilight Zone?"]

At 4:31 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of Neal Street reported a monster truck with a 9-inch lift, 37-inch tires and a missing grill was taken by someone the caller knew. Police would follow up.

[Monster truck theft! How much would you bet that there was serious pride in the caller's voice as he announce the "9-inch lift" and the "37-inch tires?"]

At 6:20 a.m., a caller from a hotel on West Main Street reported a lost or stolen knife, approximately 11 inches long, with a fixed blade. One side of the knife read "Randall Made Orlando Florida," and the other side read "Thrasher."

[A hard day, first you lose your monster truck and then your knife....]

At 4:56 p.m., a man from the 20000 block of McDaniel Road reported he came home to find a skinny man with a goatee parked in a brown Chevrolet Tahoe backed up against the caller's deck. Other neighbors had advised the caller the same man had been driving in and out of their driveway. The caller was concerned the man was "casing" the houses in the area.

[Truck backed up against your deck? Well, he is either a typical contractor or a burglar who believes in publicity.]

At 8:06 p.m., a woman called to say she had called the Sacramento County Sheriff's Office to report she had a dream that Christine Wilson's body had been dumped into Pittsburgh Mine. A log entry was made.

[Eyes were rolled. Sighs were heard. Life went on.]

At 2 a.m., Grass Valley Police requested a deputy to assist with a possible marijuana grow that an arrestee just admitted to having during a traffic stop.

[Way to blurt out information. "Excuse me sir, where are you headed at this hour?" "Well, I was just headed home from the marijuana patch I have back up in the... uh... oh... hmmmm...."]

At 4:38 p.m., a caller from the 400 block of Broad Street reported an older man with a long beard who was extremely drunk picked up the caller's dog in the yard and walked off with the dog. When the caller confronted him, the bearded man dropped the dog and staggered away.

[You get those prospectors full of drink and they will make a pass at anything.]

At 3:56 p.m., a caller from the 14700 block of Gracie Road just outside of Nevada City reported seeing a juvenile drive a vehicle into an unnamed city park, light it on fire, take a video of the flaming vehicle and flee the scene.

[I checked the rest of the paper, but there were no reports for of flaming vehicles. I plan to go browse YouTube tonight.]

At 9:01 p.m., a caller from Pasquale Road reported shooting and hearing a man yelling "Where are you?" The caller said the subject just ran down the street wearing jeans and white tennis shoes.

[Times when you want to resist shouting out "Here!"]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Software Made In Germany

This morning, when attempting to torture myself via SAP, I received the following error:

BSP Exception: Das Objekt session_default_frame.htm in der URL /sap(bD1lbiZjPTUwMA==) /bc/bsp/sap/zer_pinstappl/ session_default_frame.htm ist nicht gültig. [red highlighting is mine]

Sure, you can read it, if you know that gültig means "valid" in German. (Also interesting is that "URL" gets the masculine gender auf Duetsch.) But you wonder what other errors lurk in Business Server Pages.

This is the first time, for me at least, that SAP has been obstinate and multilingual at the same time. The clincher though is the actual "Error Type" which reads:

Your SAP Business Server Pages Team

You've got that right!

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXVI

At 12:29 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of King Court reported coming home and finding a tree service cutting down the caller's trees.

[Well, I'm pretty sure at least you don't have to pay them at that point....]

At 8:22 p.m., a caller from the 14000 block of Hydraulic Ridge Close reported the theft of a leaf blower and ladder from her front porch. At 8:34 p.m., the caller notified deputies that the thief had returned the items.

[A considerate thief! Or the caller forgot she put them in the garage, which seems more likely.]

At 11:09 p.m., a caller from Highway 20 reported someone was throwing pumpkins off the overpass.

[Well, it is the season....]

At 4:26 p.m., a caller from the 500 block of Idaho-Maryland Road reported two loose dogs - a pit bull and a boxer - had chased a cat and scratched the caller's vehicle. Animal Control was notified.

[It is the little details that people put in that make for much of the humor. Two dogs on the loose, there is the reason for the call. Scratching the caller's car was just icing on the cake.]

At 9:33 a.m., a woman called from a park on the 18000 block of Penn Valley Drive reported a pit bull attacked her German shepherd. The woman said she pepper sprayed the pit bull and its owner. The woman was charged with assault. A report was forwarded to Animal Control and the District Attorney.

[Pepper sprayed the pit bull AND the owner? That did not seem to help the situation.]

At 10:58 a.m., a caller from the 10000 block of Keenan Way reported a 17-year-old boy ran away, and that he runs away frequently. The caller said the boy's 18-year-old girlfriend contributed to his behavior. The juvenile was located by Roseville police.

[At some point you have to sit down and discuss the definition of "running away."]

At 2:53 p.m., a man called from the 10000 block of Berggren Lane to report people came into his yard and onto his deck and were mocking his wife. When his wife threatened to let the dog out of the house, the people left.

[And here I am, mocking her again. Are roving bands of mockers an issue in Nevada County?]

At 9:14 p.m., a caller from the 18000 block of Hummingbird Drive reported a man was acting strange. He had been threatening to kill people and was carrying a large knife.

[Now, see, here is something that deserves a police report. Of course, we don't even get to find out if the police could find the man or not.]

At 12:15 p.m., a caller from the 200 block of Sutton Way reported two men in their 20s going door to door selling magazine subscriptions, and both gave the name of Mike. Police were unable to locate the men.

[You haven't heard of "Mike & Mike Magazine Sales?" Me either.]

At 4:33 p.m., a caller from a business on the 700 block of East Main Street reported being hit with golf balls from a nearby apartment complex. Police contacted with three people who apologized to the business owner.

[I have no idea why the police had to get involved and coerce an apology out of these people. And no drunk in public arrest either! These guys... and you know they were guys... were hitting golf balls on Main Street, sober, and in the middle of the afternoon.]

At 7:44 p.m., police arrested a 29-year-old man who was in the police station lobby waiting to talk to an officer. There was a warrant for the man's arrest.

[It is nice when these come with free delivery.]

At 7:58 p.m., a caller from the 10000 block of Lode Line Way reported three men were driving around town in a van going door to door asking for money. A deputy responded and found the men were selling magazines.

[But what was the name of the third man? Mike?]

At 8:20 p.m., a caller reported two men were walking in and out of traffic on Nevada City Highway. Police contact with the men and they headed home.

[Fun times! Let's go walk in and out of traffic! Nah, the police told us to knock that off last week.]

At 12:43 a.m., a 24-year-old man turned himself in on a local warrant at the police station. He was arrested.

[Well, at least he was probably ready for the result.]

At 7:39 a.m., a caller reported finding bones with fabric on them on Relief Hill Road. Deputies determined the bones were from a cow, and the material on them was cowhide.

[Cow hide. That "fabric" on the outside of cows.]

At 3:57 p.m., a caller from the 300 block of Clay Street reported a blue Toyota Tacoma pickup was parked on the side of the street facing the wrong way. It was occupied by two men, possibly selling meat. Police made contact and advised the men to leave city limits.

[Would you buy meat from guys selling it out of the back of their pickup truck, even if it was correctly parked?]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Eight, Five, Four, Nine, One...

We moved. We are in our new building now. I will have more on that in the future. I have been too busy actually working to complete the move to actually mock it further.

But I did find one amusing item.

We have nine conference rooms in our new building. Ever efficient (or unimaginative), facilities named them One, Two, Three, and so on.

Ever efficient (but clueless) IT put the conference rooms into Outlook so we could schedule meetings in them. However, they spelled out the numbers, so when you look in the address list to pick your room, you see:

CONF-CA-Eight
CONF-CA-Five
CONF-CA-Four
CONF-CA-Nine
CONF-CA-One
CONF-CA-Seven
CONF-CA-Six
CONF-CA-Three
CONF-CA-Two

Three cheers for the people who create annoyances with which they never have to deal.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXV

At 7:23 p.m., a woman called from the 200 block of Sutton Way to report "she just ran over her old man" on Dog Bar Road. Police made contact with the woman, and the CHP determined the incident was not a hit and run. No response was needed.

[My wife and I have an agreement. Referring to each other as our old man/old lady is grounds for divorce.]

At 3:05 p.m., a woman reported her ex-boyfriend threw a rock through her window. She refused to give the name of the man and asked police not to respond.

[The police must just love this sort of call.]

At 5:17 p.m., police arrested a 21-year-old man in the police station lobby for car theft.

[Some times the fish just jumps in your boat.]

At 7:31 p.m., police arrested a 44-year-old man on Henderson Street for attempted spousal abuse and damaging a telephone line.

[Just another entry for the telephone line patrol. Is there always spousal abuse involved with the charge of damaging a telephone line?]

At 7:58 p.m., a woman called from the 300 block of Bennett Street to report her 17-year-old son as a runaway. She does not have custody of her son. Child Protective Services has custody and was supposed to report him as a runaway. Police made contact with CPS and took a report for a runaway juvenile.

[One hopes at this point that the child has, in fact, run away. Think of the paperwork if it turns out he just went down to the store.]

At 12:28 a.m., a caller from the 700 block of South Auburn Street reported a man was prowling in the area. Police made contact with the man who was upset over possible eviction. He was advised to refrain from prowling.

[No prowling! Tell that to my cats.]

At 8:44 a.m., a woman called from the 200 block of Fairmont Drive to say she wanted her sister removed from the premises. There was yelling then the sister left in her car. The caller did not want her sister stopped and would not give a description of the vehicle. An officer made contact and the argument was only verbal. The woman did not want to press charges.

[Family fun for the whole... um... family.]

At 2:36 p.m., a man called from the 15000 block of Duggans Road to report the theft of a landscaping rake from his driveway. He said the rake had been for sale for $800. Deputies took a report for grand theft.

[It was right next to my $600 shovel... wait, where is my shovel?]

At 9:23 p.m., a caller from the 400 block of Neal street reported three teen boys, two with skateboards, took a pumpkin off a doorstep and rolled it down the street. Police checked the area and were unable to locate the juveniles. No information was available about the pumpkin.

[The pumpkin remains at large.]

At 5:38 a.m., a 20-year-old man went to the police station to report he had taken medication in violation of his probation and he wanted to turn himself in. The man was arrested on suspicion of being under the influence of a controlled substance and violating probation.

[Why do you think they call it "dope?"]

At 4:09 p.m., a caller from the 13000 block of Lake Wildwood Drive reported someone was stealing from her mailbox. She was missing six bills.

[I tried that excuse once with the phone company. They were surprisingly unsympathetic.]

At 10:24 a.m., a woman called from the 18000 block of Norlene Way to report she listed a couch for sale on Craigslist and someone said he wanted to send her a check for more than the asking price of the couch and he wanted her to send back the difference. The woman was advised no crime occurred; just intent. She was advised to report the incident to Craigslist.

[Well, points for not falling for it.]

At 8:27 a.m., a caller from the 15000 block of Green Way Place reported a woman was under the influence of alcohol and was trying to break back into the home. The woman wanted more alcohol and the caller wouldn't let her have any.

[There must be an interesting story behind this.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

New Age Corps!

I was looking at the iTunes beta "Just For You" recommendations page this morning. I wanted to see what they would pick for me based on what I had purchased in the past.

Under the heading of "New Age" music was one surprising item: "Music of the Marines"

It features what you would probably expect, "Semper Fidelis," "Washington Post March," "The Marine's Hymn," and more like that.

It is certainly music I know and enjoy (and already own), but is it "New Age?"

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXIV

At 12:45 a.m., a caller from Condon Park said she needed assistance because she couldn't find her condom and lost her Band Aid, along with other unknown problems. The woman hung up when dispatchers asked her for further information. Police checked the area extensively and were unable to locate the woman.

[One less arrest for drunk in public. I suppose Condon/Condom was part of the humor.]

At 11:13 p.m., a caller from Pioneer Road at Rough and Ready Highway reported tenants on the land were chasing his cows, killing the grass and were always intoxicated.

[I get the whole cow/intoxication link, but how does killing the grass enter into it?]

At 8:58 a.m., a caller from the 11000 block of Pine Cone Circle reported a missing person who took the caller's car and was the way to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in Grass Valley. The caller wanted to report the vehicle as embezzled.

[The dispatcher then had to read the definition of "embezzled" to the caller no doubt.]

At 10:50 a.m., a man called to report his sister would not return his car keys. A dispatcher spoke with the sister, who said she took the keys because her brother is an alcoholic. She said she would return the keys. The man called back to report his sister would not return a second set of keys.

[Give your brother back his keys! Now don't say that, your brother has a problem, but he is working on it!]

At 1:40 p.m., a caller from the 300 block of Northstar Place reported that three men were on a ladder crawling into the window of a building but added that one of the men might live there.

[That last bit was very helpful and no doubt put this on the priority list to get an officer on the scene.]

At 6:10 p.m., a caller from the 20000 block of Pleasant Valley Road reported that a woman in a Green Isuzu Trooper was parked behind a restaurant, screaming that she was going to kill all the dogs in the neighborhood, but the caller did not see a weapon.

[Was it a Korean restaurant?]

At 1:29 p.m., a caller from the 2000 block of Nevada City Highway reported juveniles in a truck were throwing rotten apples at a fast food restaurant.

[Ironic or not, it is still "stupidity in broad daylight."]

At 12:49 p.m., a woman called from the 10000 block of East Drive to report some people were at her house and when she said she was going to call 911, they left.

[At which point it would seem unnecessary to call 911, but she did it anyway.]

At 6:24 p.m., a caller from the 13000 block of Auburn Road reported a man and a juvenile girl were acting strange together at a movie theater. The man was holding the juvenile in a strange manner. The report was unfounded. The man was fine and the juvenile was "really clingy."

[I think most parents understand this situation.]

At 8:24 p.m., a caller from the 15000 block of Skaith Bend Road reported approximately 10 people were holding approximately four people hostage. The report was unfounded. When a deputy arrived, the people were asleep.

[I assume they were camping. Did four people just happened to be duct taped into the sleeping bags or anything?]

At 12:14 p.m., a caller from the courthouse on the 200 block of Church Street reported a note was left at the law library stating bodies are located on a piece of property. A map was included.

[Somebody is always claiming they know where the bodies are buried.]

At 11:32 p.m., a man called from the 300 block of Alta Street to report people were making fireballs and compression from the fire was causing his house to shake. Police checked the area and were unable to locate the fireballs.

[I would have gone looking for the people, but the fireballs probably sounded more interesting. Jerry Lee Lewis fans, no doubt.]

At 8:35 p.m., a caller from the 10000 block of Combie Road reported an elderly man buying lottery tickets was wearing red tights, thong underwear and a T-shirt. He did not seem to know he didn't have pants on. Deputies were unable to locate the man.

[He wins the lottery, it will be no pants from here on out!]

at 10:40 p.m., a caller from Stone Arch Drive reported a woman inside a trailer was moaning in pain. Paramedics arrived and determined the woman was fine. The "moaning" sound was located in the yard. An owl yard ornament was operating on a low battery.

[I do not know what else I could add.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Too Big for the Police Blotter

This is linked to a story that just ran too long to be police blotter material.

It even comes with what I belive to be a star-quality mugshot, though the mugshot is under a banner that says "Advertisement."

If it isn't the mugshot, it isn't a very effective ad, and if it is the mugshot, what service are they selling?

Unusual Movie Synopsis

My friend Geoff sent me this from the back of an Asian movie his wife brought home,

"The morning of the Japanese autumn famous mountain, the used car AE86 that a Toyota produce beautifully at go down slope the way to speed, mystery inside the car. The car hand float to move the car to make person shocked soon.The AE86 stops by the side of original bean curd store of under, the original sea of young that have a drowsy look(week Hero) return to the store in, see the old father original text only in the too( the yellow autumn living) lying paralyzed by drink hall, the sea of tidies up the thing for father, remind five years. Come a father of everyday morning sends bean curd to the trip store of the clear top of hill of autumn, the mood is also heavy."

He said that the same person who wrote this apparently also wrote the subtitles in the movie, so the whole thing bean curd/Toyota connection was less than clear.

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXIII

At 5:20 p.m., a caller reported a traffic problem. People were riding in a go-cart and many other people were watching.

[Wheeee!]

At 7:44 p.m., a caller from West Main Street reported a man with a guitar was passed out in front of a barber shop.

[That won't generate many tips.]

At 4:45 a.m., Chico Police alerted local law enforcement to be on the lookout for suspects of a burglary at Circuit City in Chico this morning. The people were wearing "Friday the Thirteenth"-type masks and hooded sweatshirts. They pried a back door open and took a large amount of iPods and computer equipment. They left in a small, dark-colored sedan that either had loud exhaust or a bad muffler.

[Prediction: Cheap iPods this weekend at the flea market.]

At 4:29 p.m., a caller from the 400 block of Nimrod Street reported that a man wearing a Dale Earnhardt shirt was in a parking lot yelling at children.

[An obnoxious NASCAR fan. Why wasn't this on the front page?]

At 5:12 p.m., the man with the Dale Earnhardt shirt was arrested at Pioneer Park for being drunk in public.

[A drunken NASCAR fan. Why wasn't this on the front page?]

At 12:34 p.m., a woman called from the 10 block of Juan Way to report there were grapes all over her vehicle. She did not know if there was permanent damage and she requested an officer respond. There was no permanent damage.

[There is a joke in this somewhere. I know there is.]

At 9:37 p.m., a caller from Walsh Street at Mill Street reported a stop sign had been turned around. An officer fixed the sign.

[I like problems with easy resolutions.]

At 4:35 p.m., a caller from the 10000 block of North Bloomfield Road reported a man in a driveway was acting very strange and refusing to leave. He said he was being chased by gangs. Deputies were unable to locate the man.

[How about the gangs? I want an update on the gangs.]

At 10:13 p.m., a caller from a business on East Main Street said one of his customers was not leaving his bar. The customer was saying the bartender did not give the customer back his credit card, which the bartender said he didn't possess. The police made contact with the 25-year-old customer and booked him into the Nevada County jail for resisting arrest and being drunk in public.

[Drunk in public in a bar and lost his credit card. Insult/Injury ratio: High]

At 2:26 p.m., a caller from the 13000 block of Borrelli Road complained about a 13-year-old male who hit his 7-year-old sister. The caller said she had dropped the male juvenile off in Nevada City and told him to walk home. When the caller was advised about child endangerment, she hung up on the dispatcher.

[Aparantly you cannot just abandon minors on the side of the road.]

At 9:23 p.m., a caller from the 300 block of Adams Street reported unknown juveniles were leaving vulgar messages on his answering machine.

[I thought caller ID and blocking and all that was the end of crank calls. I guess not.]

At 8:02 a.m., Placer County law enforcement alerted Nevada County authorities to be on the lookout for an elderly lady who had been forced into a silver Subaru in Meadow Vista and was screaming for help. A caller from the Placer County Sheriff's Office called back to cancel the alert. The elderly woman did not want to go to the doctor.

[Our cats are the same way.]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXII

At 8:18 p.m., a caller from Highway 49 reported someone in a white Ford Explorer with a Raider Nation emblem on the back window was shooting paint balls, last seen at Peterson's Corner.

[It can't be O.J., he'd have a Bills emblem.]

At 2:33 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of West Berryhill Drive reported that a person in dark clothing with a large backpack was hiding in the bushes at the rear corner of the building. When the suspicious person came out of the bushes toward a van, he was asked if he was delivering the newspaper before the frightened driver drove away. Police made contact with the newspaper carrier.

[A tense moment with the newspaper guy. At least they don't come to your door to collect their money any more.]

At 7:49 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of Dorsey Drive reported being approached while in a car by a suspicious man in pajama pants.

[An interesting mental image. I picture the pajama pants to be paisley, for no good reason.]

At 11:39 p.m., two 20- year-old men were arrested for disturbing the peace during a brawl at a business on the 100 block of Neal Street.

[Disturbing the peace during a brawl is quite a feat! Hey, keep it down, we're trying to brawl here!]

At 6:14 a.m., a caller from the 100 block of South Auburn Street reported there was someone sleeping in the closet. Police made contact with a 55-year-old man and arrested him for being drunk in public.

[Was he, technically, in public when in the closet? If the police asked him to come out, was that entrapment?]

At 10:47 a.m., a caller reported a public bus headed toward Brunswick Road had its flashing "Call 911" sign on. Police investigated, and it was a false alarm.

[Whoops, I meant to put up "Downtown."]

At 7:44 p.m., a woman called from the 800 block of Old Tunnel Road to report a man tried to taze her and three others. A second caller said the woman threatened him with a gun, but he did not see the gun. Police stood by while the man gathered his things and was advised not to return to the apartment.

[Was the tazer amongst his things?]

At 11:27 p.m., a man called from the 800 block of Annex Avenue to report he was being robbed by people who "looked like hippies." Police made contact with a 47-year-old woman and a 46-year-old man in a white Honda. The man was arrested for drunken driving, being under the influence of a controlled substance and violation of probation.

[I am confused. Were the people arrested the hippies or the people who called the police?]

At 3:10 a.m., a woman reported two men stole her car. Police made contact with the woman and arrested her for possession of a controlled substance and a Placer County Warrant. The car was located, unoccupied, behind a grocery store on Nevada City Highway.

[Good news, we found your car. Bad news, you have a warrant, you're going to jail.]

At 8:34 p.m., a woman called from the 15000 block of Goldcone Drive to report finding nine suspicious-looking holes dug on her property, each approximately three to four feet deep and two feet across.

[Police were on the lookout for somebody with a backhoe and a grudge.]

At 10:25 a.m., a caller from the 100 block of South Church Street reported a new tenant had a prescription for marijuana but other tenants were smoking something very strong and making the building stink.

[And what action does the caller expect of the police? A can of Airwick?]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XXI

At 12:11 p.m., a woman called from the 200 block of South School Street to say she was concerned about a sign that was taken from her residence and burned over the weekend.

[A sign related to the upcoming election perhaps?]

At 4:46 p.m., a caller from a business on the 100 block of Olympia Park Road reported a man with a shaved head and goatee stole some gloves. Police were unable to locate the man and took a report.

[Is this connected at all with the man last week who put some gloves in a garbage can? Is there some sort glove conspiracy going on here, or is somebody just trying to get an O.J. reference out of me.]

At 7:33 p.m., a caller from the 200 block of Dorsey Drive reported a man talking to young men in an apartment complex was scaring them by saying he "just got out of being locked up."

[A new twist on scared straight I guess.]

At 2:54 p.m., a caller from E. Daniels Park reported a man in a black and white parka was being foul and smoking. Police arrested the 21-year-old man for an outstanding warrant.

[I suppose he could have been in a chicken suit, being fowl and clucking. And he had a warrant! No Surprise there.]

At 5:26 p.m., a caller from the 2000 block of Nevada City Highway reported a person drove away with a gas nozzle still in the vehicle. The caller stopped the customer and it was store policy they record the customer's driver's license. The driver was refusing and asking for an officer.

[I just want the YouTube video for this one.]

At 6:12 p.m., a caller from the 10000 block of Travertine Court reported an unknown person had cut threatening words into her backyard with a chain saw. Deputies responded and there was no vandalism. The caller said she would see her doctor to change her medication.

[I had high hopes for this at the end of the first sentence. Chain saw graffiti! But then it became another case of medication impairment.]

At 10:04 p.m., a caller from the 11000 block of Torrey Pines Road reported a credit card was stolen and used to pay for phone sex numbers. Deputies took a report for theft.

[Yes. It was stolen. Like I told my wife, *I* certainly did not call those phone sex numbers.]

At 2:08 a.m., a caller from a bar on the 29000 block of Highway 49 reported a physical fight with more than 10 beer bottles being used as weapons. The caller said the fight was no longer physical, but someone had a head injury and was vomiting. Deputies arrested a 23-year-old man for assault with a deadly weapon and battery with serious bodily injury.

[I remember in college at one point we learned that you have to hit a beer bottle just right to break it into something resembling a weapon.]

At 7:56 a.m., law enforcement was on the lookout for a person who was involved in the bar fight and may have head injuries from the confrontation.

[Six hours later and we're still looking for the puking guy.]

At 11:16 a.m., a woman called from the 11000 block of Myrna Way to report a burglary to her home this weekend while she was out of town. She couldn't tell if anything was missing. Rocks around the fireplace and rocks outside were painted and it wasn't like that when she left. She said some of her plants were dying and she thought someone was trying to kill them.

[Sometimes I go through a series of tepid entries, but then one like this comes along and it makes it all worth while. That is going to be my excuse from now on! Somebody is trying to kill the house plants! And the plants in the back yard! And the lawn! And the goldfish!]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)

When Books About Books Being Banned Are Banned...

Linked is a story about a family in Texas that wants to ban a book from the local school library.

The book? Fahrenheit 451!

They want to ban a book about a time when books are banned!

The article contains the odd rationalizations of the parent driving this effort.

The Company Move - Side Track 2

It had been a tradition at our old company over the years to have a "yard sale" to get rid of old equipment. The usual suspects in the sale were computer systems that were 3-7 years out of date, lab equipment, some older network gear and the like. Occasionally office chairs and other furniture were included. Mostly it was junk, but there have been some gems including a very nice HP oscilloscope complete with all probes and the manual which I bought then donated to a local high school.

Of course we are now part of bigger company with headquarters in the South. The company is ISO 9000 certified and has a process for everything. Everything it seems, except documenting and publishing processes so that those of us not based at HQ can figure out how to get things done. And even when you can get documentation on a process, it always assumes knowledge you probably do not possess if you need to read the document.

Of course you know, if you have been reading here for a while, that we are going to be moving to a small and less expensive location. Some day soon if we are not careful.

We used the upcoming move as an excuse to clean shop here. In a couple empty areas of our building we collected over three dozen 20" monitors (because we have all those new LCD monitors I mentioned in a previous entry), five dozen Pentium III 500-850MHz systems, a few early Pentium IV systems, four Sun servers, a dozen giant, rack mount Compaq multi-processor (PII or PIII) servers, a few dubious laptops, and a variety of printers, routers, and other stuff that could only charitably called "junk."

Nothing terribly exciting, really. I have better junk, or enough junk, at home already, depending on with whom you speak.

My boss ended up in charge of this sale, mostly because nobody else would take the job. He spent some weeks trying to get somebody in HQ to okay the sale. Finally, with the cooperation of other local managers, he set the date for the sale for a Friday in late April. The Thursday before the sale an email went to everybody at our location that the sale would be at 3pm the following day.

The next morning, in response to the many inquires, an email finally arrived. It was from the company controller. Nothing can be sold without the express permission of the office of the controller. Before the sale could commence, the controller needed have a complete list of all items in the sale.

An email went out to everybody located out here saying, "Yard Sale Postponed."

Being very organized, my boss already had such a list, complete with asset tag and serial number, for the items our department contributed. Other departments here did not have anything resembling a list. Still, we had segregated the stuff by department, so if we had to sell theirs at another time, so be it.

The controller, when asked about pricing of the items for sale said he did not care about that, but that any money from the sale had to be sent to HQ to be accounted for. (Thus ended or usual plan which has traditionally been "Fund a lunch time BBQ out back with the proceeds.") He said that facilities would set the prices.

Facilities, of course, had no interest in pricing anything and left that to us. Facilities did say, however, that we would need to collect sales tax.

My boss asked the controller about sales tax. The controller was not interested in sales tax, but directed him to some other accounting group.

My boss sent an email to this other accounting group asking about sales tax and if we could just charge round numbers ($5, $10, and $20) and then take the tax out later rather than having to make complicated change for each transaction.

The OAG (other accounting group) came back and said that charging round numbers sounded like a fine idea and certainly we could take the tax out after the fact. And, by the way, if we chose to sell anything for under its current market value, the purchasing employee's W2 at the end of the year would have to be adjusted to indicate the financial benefit from such a transaction.

Market value? I guess this keeps companies from selling business jets, homes, and cars to their senior execs for cheap, but what is the market value of a 4 year old Pentium III 700MHz with an 18GB SCSI hard drive and no operating system? (All of the Windows operating systems were licensed under our MSDN agreement, so we had to erase them before we parted with the machines.) It has zero value to the company, we have depreciated it as a capital expense over the last few years. And how attractive does a $20 PIII system look if it might mean that it changes your W2 at the end of the year?

And while we were pondering this gem, an email came in from OAG2 (or is that OOAG?) who had been directed by the controller to account for all of the items on our list in the list of assets they have for our location. OAG2 sent us a spreadsheet with all of the purchase orders for the last six years listed and asked us to please indicate which item from our inventory matched up to which purchase order.

Our local accounting group never bothered to associate an asset tag or serial number when putting together this spreadsheet. But then, all of the local accounting people handed over their data to HQ as they got laid off at the end of March, so we cannot blame them. The list of purchase orders only showed vague items, like "computer systems" or, sometimes, just the vendor in the description field. There was no possible way that these two lists could be reconciled.

So my boss was just about ready to call the whole thing off and call up the computer recycler we had lined up to take away the remains and have him come over and cart off the whole lot. But even that needed to be approved.

I suggested shipping everything to HQ, since we cannot part with the stuff without approval, but he thought I was making a joke.

Silence followed. Not a word more came from HQ. This is not an unusual situation. HQ is frequently unaware of our existence.

Then, a few weeks later, an email showed up from the controller. The sale was approved. My boss just had to hand over any cash to our local HR representative.

Sale on!

In the end, very little of the stuff was sold. The dubious laptops were purchased for the boy scouts. A monitor or two was picked up. There was no mention of market value or W2s. No inventory reconciliation was demanded.

I think somebody did threaten to ship everything to HQ.

A week later the computer recycler came by and carted away all of our left over junk. And one of our coffee makers! Damn them!

Grass Valley Police Blotter vol. XX

At 12:15 p.m., a caller reported illegal camping. Police made contact and there was no transient camp but a stolen sign from E. Daniels Park was located.

[At least it was not a wasted trip.]

At 10:40 a.m., a caller from the 14000 block of Orzalli Way reported a neighbor shot the caller's dog. Animal Control took a report and would investigate.

[I would think that shooting someone's dog would warrant more than diverting the Animal Control truck from picking up road kill to possibly picking up a dead dog.]

At 2:26 p.m., a woman at the sheriff's office front counter said someone entered a home on the 11000 block of Vista Avenue and took recording equipment. The woman didn't know if weapons were involved. The woman later said someone entered the home on Sept. 22, grabbed her boyfriend by the neck and forcefully took the equipment with a gun to the boyfriend's head. Police took a report for robbery, burglary and kidnapping.

[Since this came in on Sept. 26, the woman, aside from seeming confused on the details, also appears to be somewhat unconcerned about the fate of her boyfriend.]

At 8:21 a.m., a caller from Highway 49 at Little Valley Road reported theft of dirt from a county project. Workers were taking dirt from one pile to a job on Stinson Drive.

[Grass Valley, ever vigilant!]

At 10:04 a.m., a caller from a business on Alta Sierra Drive reported a man with multiple tattoos was walking around the area acting suspiciously.

["Suspiciously" no doubt being defined as "flagrantly having multiple tattoos visible."]

At 2:08 p.m., a caller reported that a golf cart sped through a crosswalk on South Auburn Street near the thrift store and almost hit a pedestrian.

[I repeat, "Golf cart on a rampage!"]

At 11:17 a.m., a caller on the 100 block of Stewart Street reported that a Buddha statue was stolen.

[Oh, now that is going to cost somebody... depending on what their belief system is I suppose....]

At 12:07 p.m., Maria's restaurant reported a man who couldn't pay for his meal. Restaurant staff said they would call police again if the man did not return with the money.

[At that point you really have to tip big to get a "Please come again."]

At 3:19 a.m., a caller from the 200 block of Commercial Street reported that a man and a woman were possibly having intercourse in public.

[I remember when I couldn't tell just by looking either.]

At 2:24 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of McKnight Way reported a man with a shaved head wearing a cowboy hat was asking about laptops at electronics stores. The caller believed the man had a fake credit card. Police made contact with the 27-year-old man and arrested him for burglary, altering or falsifying identification, receiving stolen property, possessing bad checks, theft of an access card, and possession of a controlled substance.

[A bad hombre all around I guess. It probably wasn't even his hat.]

At 4:58 p.m., a woman called to report baseballs were being hit from the Condon Park baseball field into her yard. Police cited four people for being over the field's 12-year-old age limit. All four were removed from the park for 72 hours.

[What is the mechanism for removing them for 72 hours? Admonishment? And why 72 hours?]

At 1:09 p.m., a caller from the 15000 block of Banner Lava Cap Road reported a domestic disturbance. Police made contact. The disturbance was a verbal fight about burned bacon.

[Any excuse for a party I guess.]

At 8:51 p.m., a man called from the 11000 block of North Bloomfield Road to report someone put an explosive device in his mailbox.

[I see the continuation of a theme here.]

At 2:42 p.m., a caller from Nevada City Highway at Brunswick Road reported a man with a beard and a mustache wearing a black rain poncho threw some gloves into a garbage can.

[Man caught not littering, film at 11.]

At 4:50 p.m., a woman called from the 10000 block of Little Deer Road reported someone broke out the windows to her home. She also said she had to "flee" the house because a person was threatening to beat her up. Deputies determined the issue was of a civil nature, not criminal.

[I guess that no telephone equipment was damaged during this event.]

At 9:06 a.m., a caller from West Main Street near Alta Street reported a woman was jumping on top of a vehicle.

[Exercise is where you find it I suppose.]

At 4:10 a.m., a caller from the 12000 block of Cement Hill Road reported he needed to turn himself in because he thought he may have killed someone. Deputies responded. The man's claims were unfounded.

[Still, you cannot be to careful with these sorts of things. Have you killed someone today? Are you sure?]

Source: The Union (http://www.theunion.com/)